ARGH WHY. Of all the bullshit that men are taught about sex that I have to then un-teach them, this is one of the ones that most frustrates me:
“You should still try and pleasure a woman even after you’ve come.”
Why? What’s in it for you? Oh, sorry – you’re selfless. You’re a selfless, giving, good-Samaritan of a man who’ll be kind enough to fumble with my cunt even at the point after orgasm when, for you, it holds less interest than a bacon sandwich.
Why thanks – you’re too kind. I don’t know about you but what I dream about in my wildest fantasies is a man who is spent, exhausted and completely sexually disinterested rummaging around like he’s trying to re-light the gas hob.
“I want to make sure you’re getting something out of it.”
Trust me: I am. And you’ll know about it with loud and vigorous enthusiasm right up until the climax – the most IMPORTANT BLOODY PART – whether you jizz in me, on me, or somewhere over the frigging rainbow. I can come any time I like, but it’s not every day I get to taste your spunk in my mouth.
That’s why I bought my ticket. That’s what I’m here for.
If I don’t come, and you do, that is fine by me. I can lie there in the afterglow feeling your come slowly drying on my stomach, listening to your post-shag panting and feeling satisfied that we both had a great time. What I can’t do is enjoy the afterglow if you’re still half-heartedly prodding at my clit.
So please, gentlemen, PLEASE, for the love of all that’s good and beautiful and drenched in sweat after an excellent ride: when you’re done, stop. You were wonderful.
7 Comments
Yes! I’ve often felt like that. Nothing drains the fire and the passion out of the moment than the guy trying to get on with it after he’s come. At that point it all gets clinical and tedious and I feel like I’m having a smear test done.
Meh. I don’t make a woman come for her pitiful sake or out of some sad sense of duty. I do it because it’s fun. Oh what, just because my cock’s gone off and you‘ve had your fun I’m meant to stop playing around and making you squeal for my own amusement? Since when is that fair?
As a sex educator teaching this bullshit about pleasuring your partner even when you’ve come (actually I say, sex doesn’t have to end when a guy comes or, you don’t need a hard dick to enjoy sex etc) I feel I should stick up for, well me.
There are lots of boys who are very concerned about premature ejaculation and one of the reasons they are concerned about it is because they are taught that good sex is all about the penis and what the penis enjoys. Also most women aren’t going to be getting a lot out of just fucking (especially those women who aren’t generally fucking penises), so it’s also about increasing pleasure for women in general.
So I’m trying to teach them to think about different ways of having sex from the heteronormative suck ‘n’ fuck.
(Example of me wittering about this is here http://bishuk.com/2010/02/08/making-the-moment-last-your-guide-to-premature-ejaculation/)
But I appreciate it’s your blog and thus your views on what you like. Fair enough. But I just wanted to point out why we teach people this.
Also, loving your work, keep it up.
Justin
Bish
OK. Joely – thanks for agreeing with me. I like it when people do that!
Alex and Justin – thanks for disagreeing, as that is also great =) You’re right to a certain extent, and I suppose that this blog should come with a huge fuckoff disclaimer that, you know, I am not the arbiter of what is right and wrong in sex (rarely are things right or wrong). I know I write as if my opinion is the only one that matters, but I can see that in certain situations it’s necessary to tell boys that actually it’s totally fine to keep going.
I think Alex’s answer – fair enough. And if you genuinely enjoy continuing then that’s great, and would probably work in my world, as long as you were visibly enjoying it.
However, what both of you (and Justin particularly) seem to be missing out is that if you *are* going to keep going after you’ve come then, well, not to put too fine a point on it, you have to be *really fucking good.* Not just playing, not just doing what you think will be nice for a lady, but you have to be so good that she forgets you’re over and done with.
I think this is much harder for teenage boys – one of their most powerful sexual tools is the fact that they really want it. Once that’s gone they could well be left with an unsated teenage girl who is either contemptuous of their amateur fumbling or terrified that, you know, she *has* to orgasm now because he’s giving her head. Having penetrative sex (or giving blow jobs or hand jobs) is often easier for teenage girls than receiving favours from boys. In the situation you describe, not only is his face buried in her cunt, but his face is buried in her cunt and he’s not even hard, and possibly not massively interested in doing anything further.
That is (again, personal experience not applicable to everyone) either heartbreaking or boring, and can lead to a weird situation where you know you won’t come, but you want to give the boy some sort of reward for making the effort to pleasure you. You can’t wank him off or fuck him into a coma because he’s already done. So what do you do next? Fake an orgasm? Fake a heart attack? Pat him on the head and say ‘that’s lovely, darling’?
Again, I can see that this is not in any way the thing teenage boys want to hear, so I’ll sign off by saying – Justin, keep up the good work, because if you can get guys really good at that stuff then I reckon that’s half the problem solved =)
I can see that half hearted fumblings of reciprocity from a sexual partner sated from genital stimulation might be a turn off. However this would be different from someone who is genuinely enthusiastic about giving their partner pleasure (though I hate that term, perhaps it should be ‘facilitating their partner feeling sexual pleasure’). If they are enjoying it they are enjoying it, whether they are experiencing this enjoyment in their brains or genitals or hearts or where ever. If this is so, maybe their partner would enjoy that too – positive feedback loops and all that.
Justin
Bish
I don’t get this. Why is the male orgasm seen as a necessity, a desideratum, the principle and essential end-point of heterosexual intercourse? Whereas the woman’s is something that can be tried again later. I’m not a girl so I find quite hard to grasp why the female orgasm seems to be so… undervalued – by women. Like it’s subsidiary or secondary to the man getting off. I understand the sentiment that if a person’s spent, they’re spent; and perfunctory prodding after it’s all done when their heart’s not really in it must be pretty rubbish. But there does seem to be a mentality where women are fine with sex JUST being fun. Their orgasm not being regarded as something as important as the man’s.
Obviously, that’s not what you’re getting at here, and of course sex where one person comes, or even neither does can be brilliantly fun – but I’m talking about general fucking and men’s orgasm being treated like a priority. I mean that’s true right? Why is that? As a bloke, I find it hard to imagine fucking and then just stopping because the other person’s come. Men would find it pretty difficult to do that. In fact, unless they have problems reaching climax themselves, then it would be downright painful to just stop. In bad way. Don’t women get that? Although, the biology’s obviously different. So I suppose I’ve just answered my own question. I don’t know.. As long the no-orgasm-for-me sex isn’t a regular thing, and judging by the rest of your writings it isn’t. So yeah… what do you think?
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