Writing about sex involves very careful word selection. I probably use some words that kill your mood sometimes, and likewise there are some words that make me dry up and cringe into a ball of hateful misery. Here are some of them, feel free to add to the list.
Cum
You might think it is a sexualised form of a common word: I think it’s a spelling error. You say ‘tomato’, I say ‘I will probably be less attracted to you if you spell things wrong’.
Pussy
Good lord no. For so many many reasons, of which here are a few:
- ‘Pussies’ belong to porn stars and gangster hos, so experience implies that a pussy is something for a guy to fuck, not something for a girl to get genuine eye-rolling, bedsheet-tearing pleasure from.
- Say it out loud: “wet pussy”. Eugh. “wet pussy” It doesn’t sound like a part of a person, but something you might step in.
- Mrs Fucking Slocombe
Any word for ‘tits’ that ends in -ies
I have never had ‘titties’ or ‘boobies’. I have tits. These words are only acceptable during comedy, or if you are a member of the Bloodhound Gang.
Medical terms
When I leave the doctor’s surgery my vagina becomes a cunt. My breasts become tits. Likewise although my doctor has a penis, you have a cock. Dick. Prick. By using medical terms I start expecting a medical examination, so if you call it a ‘penis’ I’m less likely to suck it than to give it an ultrasound.
Cutesy names for your cock
You don’t fuck someone raw with ‘Barry Junior’. And I don’t want to swallow ‘Mr Winkie’. Come on, lads – it’s ‘it’, not ‘he’.
I have no idea why any guy ever does this, unless he has been with a girl who is a bit afraid of his looming, punishing hardon. Men: your cock is the most powerful, brilliant thing about you; don’t turn it into a fucking Disney character.
16 Comments
Quim
*shudders*
Do I really need to explain this one?
Agreed. ‘Quim’ can do one. It sounds like a medieval pudding.
Perfect blog post, I seriously count on updates from you.
“Boobies” is a word my kids use (in the way that kids cutesie-pie everything until they’re too cool for school). “Boobs” is not; it’s definitely a Grown Up word, used when “tits” isn’t acceptable.
But… as a bloke, I have been conditioned into a peculiar contradiction with the word “cunt” (and I’m quoting the words to somehow make them asexual, to demonstrate the hangup): it’s the single most offensive word in the English language, yet simultaneously one of the single most horny of all. If I say I something about a woman’s cunt, it sounds somehow asinine; if they say something about their cunt, it’s the hottest thing since, well, I practically burnt my arse leaning against a radiator whilst attempting to shag a girlfriend who liked being spread against a wall. No, she didn’t say anything about her cunt. If she had, I wouldn’t have needed to brace against the sodding radiator.
About the hottest thing I’ve ever heard a woman say was “get your fucking cock in my cunt, you cunt”. At the same time I had to try my damnedest not to let it shrivel.
Words. What a truly brilliant invention.
Baby dancing
says it all really…
I’ve been reading through most of your backlog and this is the first time in which I vehemently disagree with you, GOTN.
Cum:
While it’s true that “cum” is a slang word the same is true of the sexual use of the word “come” so neither can be called correct English.
To me, it’s useful to have a word to distinguishes the act of squirting all over someone in beautiful orgasm from the act of moving from one place to a place nearby the word’s object. “I’m cumming, I’m cumming!” sounds like someone getting off “I’m coming, I’m coming!” sounds like my mom talking on the phone in a panic as she is late for something.
Also, there’s the fact the “come” has no noun form unlike “cum.” “Spray that hot cum all over me!” sounds like someone getting a load of hot jizz all over them, “Spray that hot come all over me!” just sounds like meaningless bad sentence construction.
When Alexander Graham Bell said “Mr. Watson, come here!” I trust that Mr. Watson didn’t rush in with his cock in his hand.
Pussy:
I think that the sound of a word ought to reflect the attributes of the object to which it refers. “Cock” and “dick” are great words because they have such a hard sound much like the penis (a word I hate and for which I am glad there are so many good alternatives) itself. Similiarly “pussy” sounds soft and sweet much like the vagina (also hate the word “vagina”) whereas “cunt” sounds has the same hard sound as “cock” and “dick.” “Sticking my dick in a pussy” sounds like I’m about to penetrate something soft, yielding, and lovely whereas “sticking my dick in a cunt” sounds like I’m about to penetrate something made a crude hard plastic mold of a woman’s genitals.
“Cunt” is the feminine equivalent of a calling a cock a “foosy,” a “voozle,” or a “Mr. Winkie.”
Any word for ‘tits’ that ends in -ies:
I have no real strong opinion on this so I’m just writing to say that Bloodhound Gang rules!
Medical terms:
I agree that “penis,” “vagina,” and “breasts” are profoundly ugly words yet I do think that medical terms are useful for when super-perverts like you and I are want to describe things that have no good slang words.
Such as “I’m going to stretch your labia around my fat cock and push in until my head kisses your cervix!” or “Yeah babe, flick my frenulum with your tongue, now there’s a good girl!” By excluding all medical terms, you’re limiting yourself quite a deal.
Cutesy names for your cock:
I can see why you don’t understand why men name their dicks so let me fill you in. To me, our cocks are almost like separate beings with their own wills since both our erections and our ejaculations are involuntary. We may think sexy thoughts to get hard or slow down to delay an orgasm but we can not directly control either action. Have you ever heard the phrase: “Sorry sister, its got a mind of its own.”? So anthropomorphizing our cocks by calling them names is a little in-joke men make. I’ve never heard of a man using that name in a serious context. Has that happened to you before?
God, I love disagreement – it is sexy in the extreme. Basically, the following should be read through the prism of me understanding that language is an intensely personal thing – what turns me on might turn you off, and vice versa. In fact, this comment prompted my recent blog post here: http://bit.ly/1byDbeV
Anyway, all that said:
I profoundly disagree with you re: ‘cunt’, although I can see what you mean. I guess if the hardness of the word is evocative of the texture of the thing then it does indeed sound weird. I think for me the hardness mostly evokes power rather than a specific texture. And yet… cock, dick, etc, are evocative of both power *and* texture. Hmm.
The word ‘cum’ just feels unnecessarily wrong. Like insisting on a new word for something we already have ample terms for. If I’m honest, I’d prefer to pick other words over ‘come’ anyway, because the word you choose can be far more evocative. We all know what a bog-standard orgasm feels like to us, but words like ‘spaff’, ‘jerk’, ‘shudderingly climax’ conjure up a more vivid image. I see what you mean with it, but still there’ll be shudders when I read the word – I suspect that, like with all this stuff, it’s quite a personal thing.
Re: cocks. Yes – definitely yes. Guys have given their cocks names before, and used those names in a sexual context. I won’t use any of the exact phrases guys have given me before but think along these lines:
“Little Dave is pleased to see you.”
“He wants to go in your mouth.”
Euggh. Fair enough, some people might like it, but for me I want to think of your cock as a part of you – a strong and powerful tool that you use to fuck me into a state of unreserved happiness – not as a separate entity wheedling its way into my cunt.
I fully agree with you on medical terms, though – sometimes there’s just no other way of saying it =)
As someone who has had a billion gynae appointments and examinations, I try to avoid medical terms wherever possible. It’s like people who use speculums as part of sex – I cannot think of anything less arousing or sexual. Aside from the fact I find them traumatically painful, the thought of a man pulling one out to use on me in a sexual context just makes me think of pain and embarrassment (like, when I was having an internal at the age of 14 and the GP said to me “I saw you singing at the pub the other day, you were very good”. Please don’t talk to me like a person while you examine my vagina!). I’ve had to have tons of internals in A&E – once the doctor didn’t close the curtains properly and I looked up in agony to see a pissed guy rubbing himself. Vomit. Speculums are not sexy. Vile.
As for cunt, whenever my husband talks about my cunt, it literally starts gushing. The first time he ever called me a cunt during sex (I think the phrase was “take my cock, my slutty cunt”), I screamed so loud our neighbours may have considered calling the police (I feel so sorry for my neighbours sometimes – I’m not quiet). So. Fucking. Hot.
I completely agree on all of this, though I don’t mind pussy. The rest of it though, yes, absolutely, yes. I think ‘titties’ is my most loathed word.
You hate ‘cum’ but write ‘nob’ and ‘ass’. Crazy.
Yeah, crazy how individuals have personal preferences. It’s almost like we’re not all the same!
No, you misunderstand me. The whole point of being a self-confessed grammar nazi is consistency! You can’t say one thing is a spelling error then use shit like that. Lest your well-earned grammar nazi credentials be flushed down the toilet forever. I sincerely think you should re-consider your stance.
Ah, I don’t think either of those are spelling errors though. They’re both useful words to highlight distinctions. ‘Ass’ I use to differentiate from ‘arse’ – arse being the buttocks and ass being the hole that you fuck. ‘Nob’ to distinguish from the unsexual ‘knob’, which is used only for knobs of butter or those things you use to open doors.
Fair enough. But ‘cum’ and ‘come’ have equally useful distinctions. In as much as they differentiate between the noun and the verb.
I don’t think they really are used like that though: most writing I’ve seen that uses ‘cum’ uses it universally – as noun, verb, etc. Also, even as a verb, what’s the past tense? ‘I cummed’? Or would one switch back to the standard ‘I came’? It’s a minefield =) I have no idea why I care so much about this. Just one of those twitches I guess.
No, ‘come’ is the verb, ‘cum’ is the noun, so there’s no problem with that. Yes, something like ‘I made her cum’ just looks stupid, but I rarely see it used like that. ‘Cum’ just means semen. It makes sense.
Also writing ‘ass’ is fine I suppose, but saying it in an English accent is sacrilege.