UPDATE 2018: The story I tell here is something that I found deeply hot and that was 100% consensual and happened with a guy I trust very much. We have a dynamic that includes some consensual non-consent (i.e. pretending that I don’t want something even if I do), and as a result we have very specific ways in which I’ll let him know if something is genuinely not what I want). Essentially, saying ‘no’ in a voice that sounds like ‘yes.’ However, this blog post was written a long time ago when I didn’t know how to explain that very well, and as a consequence lots of people thought it was disturbing or genuinely non-consensual.
If you enjoy consensual non-consent, you might enjoy this post. If you don’t, please don’t read on.
Holy hot angry fucking, buttsex is cool.
It hurts and stretches you and fills you up and aches. It’s filthy. It’s brilliantly powerful because guys go crazy for it.
One of the sexiest things in the world is a guy asking for specifics. Let me come in your hair, wear the pretty boots, touch my cock, please please please let me do this.
More often than not ‘this’ is buttsex.
It’s the sort of thing that guys get really hard for, something they beg for or see as a ‘treat’. If they ask for it and you say ‘yes’ with a filthy grin, it makes them all the harder. Even better, they don’t usually expect women to want it, so if you look a guy straight in the eye and say “fuck me. In the ass. Please.” you’ll get rock-solid dripping enthusiasm before you can say ‘I’ll go get the lube.’
And if you do it right – if you’re lubed up and squirming and gasping as he pushes his dick deep into you – you’ll usually be rewarded with a guy orgasm so hard you can feel it up to your stomach. His cock twitching and jerking as he shoots spunk deep inside your ass.
Girlonthenet is taking a short break right now, and will return in a second when she has finished frigging herself cross-eyed over the thought of buttsex ejaculation.
So – excitable boys and spunk explosions – just a couple of reasons why anal sex is amazing.
But the main reason I like it is perhaps a bit more controversial – it hurts. And I mean really hurts. Depending on the size of the guy, buttsex can either be a bit uncomfortable or a world of agony.
No matter who I’ve done it with, my immediate reaction has always been “ow fuck, ouch, please stop.” And I wriggle and I try to pull away, and I panic. The test of a boy that I really want to sink my teeth into is that he’ll keep on going anyway.
The best boys will push me face down into the bed, put their full weight on top of me, wrap their arms around my chest and my throat, and whisper in my ear that I have to take it. That I should calm down. That I should shut the fuck up. That I’m such a good girl.
This works with other kinds of sex too, but with anal it’s all heightened, because it really does hurt. I can pretend not to want you to fuck me, but you’ll know I’m pretending. When I beg you not to fuck me in the ass, I genuinely mean it – I’m scared and gasping and wet with fear, right up until the moment that you do it.
I was lying in bed with number 26, him spooning me from behind with his massive arms gripping my chest and squeezing the air out of me. His cock was so hard, and he was pushing it right up against my ass.
I squirmed as he forced the head in, gently, then with a bit more pressure until I let out a gasp of shock. It hurt. And he was pushing. And it hurt. And at that moment I really really really didn’t want to.
So I said. “No, it hurts.”
And he said “I’m going to count to three and then I’m going to go all the way in. I’m going to push it right into you. OK?”
And I said “Please don’t.”
“One… two…”
“No. Please no.”
“Three.”
Oh holy fuck.
54 Comments
Oh. My. God. Now I have a raging; and I mean rock-hard, so hard it hurts, hardon and no one to stick it in. I’ll just have to wrap my fist round it tightly and wank myself into a frenzy.
I think I love you a little bit. You definitely leave the perviest comments. +50 points.
Ha! You have that effect on me; make me horny. Your words coupled with my own imagination(aided by those little teasing shots you take) never fails to fill me with lust and give me a rampant erection. What can I say; I’m a 40year old with the libido of a sex starved teenager.
Another resounding ‘Hear Hear’ from me on the joys of anal. Much to my chagrin I don’t like pain, so take it very slowly and with lots of lube, but I do find the endurance and the challenge (for want of a better word) -intensely- arousing.
Ahhh, this gives me sweet sweet memories of my first time being fucked in the arse with a strap-on… something that definitely works for this guy as much as it does for you. The pain and the pleasure are inseparable… two sides of the same marvellous coin.
I love anal sex. No surprise there. But I’ve found that not do most girls I’ve been with actually agree to it, they want it. So I’m not sure I fully agree with you there. Also, it should not hurt if done properly. Maybe a tiny bit at first, but if it’s agony then it’s being done wrong. You aren’t relaxed or lubed up enough. Ok, if the guy is huge then fine. I’m not huge, but average, and I’ve never had a girl in agony whilst doing it. Most have either been between slight discomfort and full on enjoyment with them pushing back on my cock, wanting more.
@B – as a girl who really enjoys anal, I can tell you it hurts… even when done right. It’s just usually that once you get past the “oh my god why am I doing this” pain, it feels awesome.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s just a little pain, sometimes it’s loads. Even with the same guy. You just never know on each occasion.
But… I never tell the dude when it hurts that much, I just keep moaning in a sexy way and hope that it goddamn fucking passes so we can get to the good stuff.
YES. THIS. So well said.
Ooh, thanks Dove – you put it better than I could.
@B – you’re right, a lot of girls do like it – I suspect not all for the same reasons and I know that there are some girls who can especially enjoy it for physiological reasons. Basically, I think it’s generally underrated by girls (most of the ones I’ve spoken to, at any rate) although I suspect the readership of this blog will mostly be in the “Buttsex? Fuck yeah!” camp =)
@xabl – I will write on this at some point. Suffice to say I agree that’s pretty hot, but it’s had mixed reactions from gentlemen I’ve been with.
Painful, really? Maybe with a huge guy (I once avoided anal with someone that was so huge, it was like a table leg). But other than the first few tries, I’ve never felt pain like you describe. Discomfort yes, pain no.
My trick is to totally relax the muscles consciously. Totally works for me. Then I can get on with feeling huts cock hit right off my gspot. Anal is amazing for that.
I did this for the first time recently… and let me tell you there is no other pain that can compare… but damn and fuck me… I am now addicted to getting fucked in the ass.
And that’s only the tip of the iceberg… GOTN is totally right, feeling a man cum into your ass is the greatest feeling ever. I have never felt something so amazing… damn I get wet and hungry just thinking about it.
Dear GOTN.
I am sorry that people are discussing your piece as if it was rape when it was infact a postitive experience for you, but as someone who has a bit of experience in the kink scene, please let me offer some unsolicited advice.
The practice you’re describing, Consensual non-consent. is a term from the BDSM community where there is a pre-determined understanding that words like “stop” and “ow” do not actually mean that your partner wants you to stop. It involves the establishment of a safe word, so that BOTH PARTNERS can live out a FANTASY that one partner or the other might have. (I’m sure you know all this, but your audience might not, hence the reaction)
So you might have a bit of a “rape fetish.” and I say so what. So long as with your partners you are being open and establishing clear lines of understanding and consent there is nothing wrong with this. I know it’s annoying but most people cannot understand this concept when they read it without having it explained to them at least once.
HOWEVER, if you don’t do those things and lead a guy on to understand that your “no” doesn’t actually mean no. Then you are putting not only yourself at risk, but your partner too. Nobody wants to have something consensual turn into rape. Which is why people are freaking out, not because what you did was wrong, but because it did not come with an explanation as to why it was right.
Heya,
Thanks BigStrongDom – to be honest I realised fairly shortly after this was published (a long long time ago) that it should have come with a wrap with more info on the context. That’s why I added the bit at the top highlighting just how bloody consensual it was. Twice this bloody thing has featured on Reddit and twice it has utterly depressed me. I personally don’t have a safe word, because my partner and I have established clear lines between ‘no, ow, no’ and ‘fucking hell, dickhead, that hurts. Jesus.’ It’s very clear to both of us when something’s a bit much, but it’s a subtlety I wouldn’t play around with if I were shagging someone for the first time.
I’m not convinced everyone will read this far down the comments, but I hope some of them do. And maybe I need to add more to my disclaimer at the beginning. The problem is, the blog post then becomes something it was never intended to be (i.e. a lesson for Redditors rather than a hot post for the sort of people who follow my blog and understand enthusiastic consent). Advice welcomed!
x
What a total whore.
I imagine you mean that in the best possible way.
Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4hNaFkbZYU.
This is the reason that you don’t find more boys that you “really want to sink [your] teeth into.” Being accused of rape is such a fear of men these days that we have to stop at the first “no.” It’s drilled into our minds throughout school that we are villains and that we’re all rapists that need to respect every single thing a woman says and does. I think rape is becoming more prevalent because men are becoming so frustrated with women rejecting them or not thinking they’re coming onto the woman hard enough, that the man lashes out in anger/frustration and does something stupid like rape. I do not even remotely support rape, but I’m certain that women doing this type of shit has something to do with its prevalence/perpetuation.
That’s only true if you assume that me and my partner in this scenario had never ever discussed this beforehand, or had any kind of empathy and understanding of each other. Which is clearly not the case.
Then you are far from being in the majority. In the heat of the moment (mainly in one night stands), the women I have been with and the women I am friends with (and have not had sex with) generally do not sit down with me for five minutes and discuss it or talk about boundaries. They just go for it, and you hope that you don’t over-step some boundary or mistake the slightest intonation in her “no” or “stop.”
Maybe you make it easy for your guys. I don’t know you, so it’s very possible. But most women do not. That is my point.
Ah, perhaps that’s where you’re going wrong. Did you read the intro to this post? “The story I tell here is something that I found deeply hot and that was 100% consensual and happened with a guy I trust very much.”
This wasn’t a one-night stand. This was a pretty hot, kinky thing I did with a guy I know very well – as I got to know him we established boundaries and played more intensely with the things each of us liked. This isn’t the sort of thing you do on the very first day you meet someone, or indeed with anyone who you aren’t able to communicate with.
I genuinely don’t think it’s hard not to rape someone. Communicate, have empathy, listen to them, and if you genuinely don’t know whether they want you to stop or not: stop. Because you stopping, and your partner subsequently going ‘no, please keep going, this is fun’, might feel slightly awkward for both of you, but is infinitely better than the alternative. The *only* reason I could play scenes like this with the boy is because I am 100% confident that when I actually want him to stop, he will. If you’re someone who might not, or might be confused about when you should, then quite rightly people won’t want to do this with you.
In regards to your first two paragraphs – yes, I misinterpreted the intro and thus at least half of my posts are irrelevant. My apologies.
As for the rest of your post. No, it’s not terribly difficult but it’s still a fear that many men have to face. And like I said, you seem to be a lot more direct than many other women. I know several women that have said “stop” but did not mean it, but then let the guy stop and let the night end, instead of riding out the awkwardness.
Anywho, that’s about all I’m gonna write on here. Thank you for responding.
You are a repugnant excuse for a man. Rape is “becoming more prevalent” (is it? I think you’ll find it’s just that more women report it now) because women reject them? You’re right, we owe them a fuck – and if we don’t offer it, then men are just going to have to take what they’re owed, right? Do you have any idea of how broken that thinking is?
Do you know when men will stop being treated like potential rapists? When they actually start respecting a woman’s right to do what she chooses with her body, which you clearly don’t. If a woman chooses to scream NO during a consensual encounter with her partner, she’s entitled.
This post isn’t about first time sex and what’s acceptable, it’s about a couple who know each other and what their mutual limits are. “This type of shit” is called sexual freedom, which men have always enjoyed and women have not.
Rather than telling women how they should behave in order to avoid making a man rape them, how about you tell men not to be rapists?
Most men in the uk who get tried for rape get found not guilty
There are many reasons for this, not least the fact that rape cases are notoriously badly handled, making prosecution (and subsequent conviction) incredibly tricky: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/sep/19/help-rape-victims-cps-police-change-attitudes
I think it’s just theredpil on reddit that are talking about it and they’re pretty mental about feminists and women in general. You should check it out by the way, it’s pretty funny in a terrifying kind of way.
I’m assuming most people with a bit of common sense would see this is kink. And for those of us into kink, very hot :)
Thanks fugaduck (ace name, btw). This particular blog occasionally gets picked up by those sorts of forums. In hindsight, I would have written it *very* differently, so that people coming from different places would get a fuller picture of the context.
I’m late to the party but I don’t agree!
This is YOUR blog, where you write the things that YOU want to write about. You aren’t surprising anybody with the content – you outline your ‘aims and objectives’ from the word go. You don’t have a responsibility to make the things you enjoy palatable to everybody on the internet.
You’ve provided ample context and even the briefest browse of your blog would confirm that you have entirely positive opinions of consent, feminism, communication, and all of the other good things that make sex great.
You’re a firm favourite of myself and my partner, and I hope you never stop writing the things you think for fear of being called out on Reddit. Rock on, GOTN.
Well, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black. Next time you start talking about rape, then having the guff to say that it isn’t an big deal, maybe you should take an step back and think before you send out this idiotic blog.
I have never ever said that rape is not a big deal.
This is not a story about rape, as I said at the beginning of the post.
Thank you for playing.
but i need to see u
I cannot believe people are still stumbling over here and just not getting it. Perhaps you could link to a kink 101 type page that explains boundaries and communication, because it seems to be an alien concept for a lot of people.
At least Anonymous has solved the problem of how to teach people about rape. Here we were saying “don’t tell women not to get raped, tell men not to rape” when all along we should have just told Girl On The Net not to tell sexy stories about submission. Rape culture solved.
I fully understand that this is not rape, but under current definitions being promoted by feminists its technically rape. There was no enthusiastic consent, you said no, and prior consent does not mean present or future consent. Also, did you have alcohol or some other substance in your system at the time?
You have the power to destroy that mans life now. What does it feel like to have the power to just have him kidnapped and imprisoned by a group of other on your whim now? I never hear women talking about that sort of power feels like, but I know you must be aware of it and don’t doubt that it feels intoxicating to some.
More to add. What I’m sensing is a dominant bottom who is fully aware of the power to have the top kidnapped by other men on a whim, and getting off on it with tops who are unaware of what sort of power exchange they have entered into.
Well, no. Because the very fact that I wrote this, stated clearly that I enjoyed it, and added the bit at the beginning that categorically states I consented to this, means that if I ever had any power to have him ‘kidnapped by men’ (top tip: some police are women!) then I gave it up pretty damn quickly.
Regarding the enthusiastic consent thing: I don’t get how it is impossible for me to have enthusiastically consented to this. Enthusiastic consent is all about communication, and listening to one another, then deciding to do something because you both think it’s hot. That’s exactly what happened here, and just because I was not reiterating ‘I like it when we play like this’ throughout the story, that doesn’t mean I was revoking my consent. The boy I played with in this scene knows full well what I do and say when I’m uncomfortable and when I want things to stop, and had I at any point done any of those things, he’d have stopped. The fact that ‘no’ is a word we’ve decided we can work with doesn’t mean that I have no way of backing out – on the contrary – it means he’s even more attuned to what I say, and I am even more delighted to play with him like that, because I know if I say ‘ouch, let’s stop now’ he knows I mean it.
It’s clearly not for everyone, and it’s not something I’d do with a new partner – only with someone I know well, who knows me – and I can only reiterate that if you find this concept difficult to understand then you should not be doing anything like this with anyone.
You need to see a therapist, really. If your hatred for women is so strong that you think we’re setting you up sexually so that we can ruin your life, or even considering the power that comes with the ability to accuse men of rape, there’s something really wrong with you.
Because do you know what to the reality is? The world isn’t full of women waiting for an opportunity to cry rape. However, there are a lot of women who have not given consent and have been violated anyway, and who never report it to the police. There are women who have been raped but think that the guy can’t possibly be a rapist, so don’t report it. There are kids raped by adults that never have the ability to tell someone. There are women being raped daily by boyfriends and spouses and feel that they owe it to them. There are women who go on dates, are raped and then are told when trying to report it that they were asking for it.
Might there be a mad woman or two out there who gets off on the power of crying rape? Probably, there are all kinds of people out there. Is it the norm? No fucking way.
When more than 10% of rape reports end in conviction, we’ll talk. When women aren’t demonised by authorities for supposedly promiscuous clothing, maybe we can discuss this.
I am a victim of sexual assault and, like the overwhelming majority, I’ve never had my day in court or any justice. I’ve also never considered the possibility that I have “the power” because I can accuse a man of rape. I’ve been too busy thinking about the power men have because they can rape me if they choose.
Until we live in a world where women can act as they wish without fear of being raped, you have no right to talk about our “power”. What a load of shite.
Thank you! I could not agree more. One of the trickiest things about having these arguments is often persuading guys that – no really – you have quite a lot of power. It must be hard to understand it when you hold it all the time and don’t always see it, but as I think you must have seen from some of your other comments, this is not always an easy conversation to have.
Whilst all this is true, it just irks me as a male survivor that you always specify rape as a male-on-female thing when it just isn’t. When you take statistics on “non-consensual sexual experiences” as opposed to rape (a heavily gendered term sadly) the numbers in multiple investigations show a very similar number of male and female victims.
Note: not trying to be a rape apologist or anything along those lines, the erasure of male victims is just a bit of a touchy subject for me.
Hi GOTN
Let me begin by say that I have just read your book and I absolutely loved it! It brought tears, laughter but most of all, a raging desire to wank over some of the mental images you left me with and, I’m happy to say, some memories of my own. But this thread is not a book review, although I would happy to give you more feedback should you so desire.
This thread is about anal sex and what constitutes consent in various contexts. Therefore, this post is meant to be about the same.
There is an ex-girlfriend of mine that I thought of most often while turning the pages of your book. I shall refer to her as ‘L’. I think you and her are cut from the same cloth. She was, and almost certainly still is, a pervert…a debauched one at that. I feel I understand her more after reading your book. At the time (6 years ago) I thought she was more than a little fucked in the head, and to be frank, I still think that. Although I now feel her fucked-up-ness was a separate thing from her sexuality despite that fact that they are most definitely linked. This probably comes from the fact that L had a great liking for recreational drugs and had done for many years. I’m not judging her, I too liked to experiment with a few myself. However, getting high often led to sex so that’s one place they are connected. L was paranoid and lacking in self esteem which came from a previous set of events that are not going to be mentioned in this post. This was certainly exaggerated by heavy use of class A’s over many years, and probably prompted their use in the first place.
Anyway, I digress…
So L liked anal…a lot! And i was an anal virgin when we met. However, I was almost obsessed with trying it. I was excited by the fact that I had a girlfriend who would ask for it to be ‘put in her bum now please’, that I probably told a few too many friends about it, oops.
This post is relevant and I am about to explain why….
In the first three months, we tried anal several times. L was fascinated by my fascination with it. To her, who had lost her anal virginity at 18 and had done it with every serious partner since, it was quite quaint I think.
There was an occasion towards the beginning of our relationship when she had asked for it be ‘put in her bum’. L was lying on her front with her bum raised on a cushion helpfully spreading her arse cheeks for me (such an accommodating girl). As I began to press against her arsehole I could feel her trying to relax her sphincter. Then, as easy as pie after trying for minutes to enter her, I just slipped in. It went i a bit deeper than normal for the first stroke as I had my whole weight behind it. L gasped and then grunted. She had never made those noises before, she had always sounded much the same with anal as when I fucked her cunt as hard as possible.
I reacted like most decent, reasonable gentlemen would who, having stuffed there cock up the one they love, only to realise they have hurt them…..I withdrew.
L didn’t react as I expected: grateful and relieved. She gave me one of her looks. L had a series of them for all occasions and she had the ability to make them say whole sentences. One look could say ‘That thing you just said…it was bullshit, wasn’t it?’ or ‘If you think you’re gonna smoke another spliff rather than come to bed and fuck me like a man….you better think again sonny jim!’
This look said ‘Why did you do that? When it took us ages to get the bloody thing in my arse and then you take it straight out again???’
‘I thought I was hurting you’ I said, honestly bemused.
‘Yes, you were, that’s the fucking point!’ The look still on full effect.
‘Eh?’
‘It hurts, that’s why I like it. It’s not agony but it is uncomfortable, especially at first. Then the pain becomes the pleasure. It’s like life Alex, you can’t have the pleasure without the pain.’ L seemed rather pleased with her philosophy on anal sex.
Suffice to say that this episode helped to understand L better. As our sex life matured, we had all kinds of anal sex. Hard, fast, thrusting, urgent anal sex to slow, loving, adoring even, but still slightly dirty anal sex.
If you are reading this L, and recognise yourself (possibly from my email address). I would like to say that despite our arguments and hot tempers with each other, I will always respect and think well of you. You are an intelligent woman with an amazing sexuality that most men can’t handle. I’m not convinced I could either, but it was a lot of fun trying.
Thank you for reading all this, I have just realised how much I’ve written.
GOTN, to you I would say, thank you for expounding some myths that needed to be in your book. I have 2 questions for you:
1. Are you still with 26?
2.Where do you stand on sex on drugs?
Wow – that’s quite a story. Good for you – and her – if you both enjoyed it. And for the record I think you did the right thing. It’s definitely better to pull back if you think you might genuinely be hurting someone – they can always tell you to keep going (and, in fact, in my story above, the words I said didn’t mean much next to gestures, tones, etc, that told the boy I really *really* wanted him to continue).
In answer to your questions:
1. Yes =)
2. Depends on the drug in question. I’m not a massive fan of any drugs other than booze, tbh. They all obviously have varying effects, and my official advice for anyone is: don’t do them. I find weed makes me a bit sleepy and twitchy and I’m not always keen to be touched. Others either turn me into a total arsehole or are things I haven’t tried. I’m aware that this doesn’t make me sound very rock and roll =)
I’m really pleased you guys are together! I’m a hopeless romantic at heart.
It’s weird, I just spent the last week buried in your book, immersed in your life, and now I’m swapping posts with you. The internet is fucking great isn’t it??
You’re becoming quite a sensation all over the net, you should be very pleased with yourself. You can put it down to your writing ability if you want (which is brilliant!) but we both know that you have the inner slut to thank for it to some measure (cheeky wink).
Yes, we both enjoyed that session and many more afterwards. If she’s not a follower of yours already, I’d be surprised.
On the drugs thing, I don’t want to glamourise it. It is something that comes up from time to time and you seemed a logical person to approach.
I look forward to all future posts, whether rhetoric or stories. You have a talent with words GOTN.
And yes, you do inspire a lot of searching for porn after reading your work.
A
x
So you’re English right? When you write ‘ass’ does that mean you say ‘ass’ out-loud, or you say ‘arse’ but when for writing you use ‘a-s-s’? This is very important.
An ‘arse’ is the thing that you sit on, an ‘ass’ is the thing that you penetrate. I think I am odd in this respect, and I’ve had linguistic debates with other English people about the same thing. I think there needs to be a distinction, so I’d pronounce and write the two differently. It’s a habit I developed a long time ago, having had an ex-boyfriend who made that distinction, and it sort of stuck =)
To me, “ass” just doesn’t sound right in any English accent.
I’ve never heard of anyone using both depending on the context. Maybe you’ve just been subconsciously conditioned by American porn or something.
Every time girl friends talk to me about their anal sex experiences its always that it hurts. Its strange because Ive known of a couple of girls to get so into it theyve had an orgasm but maybe thats down to them being turned on from the physical aspect of doing it. Or from this: the experience of it (as I’m told) makes the girl feel “slutty”, “defiled” and “wrong” that it heightens (as you have said) the sensation of the act.
Its that good girl made to do bad things by the person she likes doing it at the time
It proves that all good sex starts in the head. Even with guys at the idea theyre allowed to do this most taboo act
For me it was the idea that its supposed to be so wrong that it conjures up in my mind is the most personal thing a woman will let me do. Stick my dick in her arse is for some, the holy grail of sex acts
Yeah I can see how something so wrong but feels so right can turn both parties on.
Thats why its so popular in porn
Horses for courses, I guess.
The first time I had anal sex with a guy who bothered to make sure I was properly prepared, I was surprised at how _little_ it hurt.
want to see mine
Hi GoTN…I’m a new reader and I just wanted to say OMG love it :) especially this blog as anal is something very new to me and I’m still trying to work through the ouch factor; knowing I’m not the only one who finds it painful but still wanting it is very reassuring. Hubs & I have recently started exploring the Dom/sub BDSM world (by ourselves and with others) and your blog has given me some great insights and ideas, thank you :)
I LOVED THIS POST SO MUCH!!!! It’s always painful and that’s exactly what I love about it. I also love that I can usually feel it for the next couple of days. A not so gentle reminder of some fucking great sex. I’ve gotta go. Sending this to my man now with order that he must cum in my ass next time.
I completely understand this consent/non consent. My boyfriend and I have an understanding that sometimes he will fuck my arse, not often as it’s not my favourite thing, but it will happen, usually when he has me pinned face down on the bed or over the end of it. But he definitely knows when no means no. Communication and trust, no way would I let a stranger do it to me. We are always discussing our fantasies and he knows what I’ll do and what I won’t.
Hi girl on the net, I am writing this because I am genuinely seeking answers. I know I am very late to the party and most probably you are tired of trying to explain this post. But I’ll ask anyway, hopefully you or someone else will clarify few points to me. I want to stress that I am genuinely seeking answers and not trying to attack you by any way. I am just a confused man seeking some clarifications.
First I do understand that your experience was 100% consensual hence the reason you found it hot. I do agree with you that when an experience is consensual it can be very hot. Despite of (or because of) the pain. My confusion stems from two reasons:
First, you said: “when I beg you not to fuck me in the ass I genuinely mean it”. My question is do you really genuinely mean it? If so, I can’t see how this maintains the consensual nature of the experience and not turn it into rape! I have studied philosophy of sex and they told us that previous consent does not mean present or future consent. We men are constantly reminded that no means no even if it was with someone we know very well ( a wife or a long term partner). In fact even a commentator on your post, Sarah, mentioned an unfortunate truth: some women get raped by their boyfriends and husbands! So really do you genuinely mean it? If so doesn’t this negate any previous consent and turn it into rape?
Second, you said: “the test of the boy that I want to sink my teeth into is that he’ll keep on going anyway!” It seems to me that the trust you had with some of the boys wasn’t strong enough prior to having an anal experience with them. Otherwise you wouldn’t still be testing them and also they would have kept going anyway because they would have known what you meant and wanted! I could be wrong here and would love some clarification because to be honest with you this angered me a little. It made me feel that you are rewarding those who are not listening to your needs while not being attracted to those who respected them. I fall in the second category hence the reason I am a little angry. It makes me feel stupid for respecting the wishes of the girls I have been with. So the question is: have you had an anal experience with someone you haven’t built a very strong trust with beforehand? If not how come you were still testing them and why haven’t they kept going on anyway?!
With respect :)
Confused man
Right-o. As you spotted, this is an old blog: if I’d written it today I doubt I’d have been so clumsy with it. What I mean is that I enjoy playing these games, with people I know and trust, and guys who know me well enough to understand my limits. I wouldn’t do this with someone who didn’t, and I never have. It wouldn’t be fair on them, and it wouldn’t be fun for me, it’d be horrible. So when you say this: “It made me feel that you are rewarding those who are not listening to your needs while not being attracted to those who respected them. I fall in the second category hence the reason I am a little angry.” it’s not that – it’s the opposite of that. I can only fuck like this with people I know well, who know me well, and who respect and understand what’s hot about these scenarios and what isn’t. Like I say, I’d probably not be so clumsy if I were to write up the same story today.
Thanks for clarification. I am trying to find a balance between my dominant nature and my understanding of feminism and modernism. Usually I try to suppress my dominant nature to accommodate what I think feminism is. When I read stories like yours I feel angry at myself that I have misunderstood feminism and suppressed a natural side of myself. Obviously I don’t want to be a domineering arsehole either. So I am confused and still trying to find that balance. Hopefully your blog will help me with this. Expect more comments from me on other posts soon :)
Cool- that actually cleared it up for me! So basically it can’t be non-con because your partners know your boundaries/you already, in effect, negotiated in advance through getting to know each other.
I love anal too- and I’ve never done it with lube! I love it because it hurts.
However in my view if you say no and the person (guy, girl, agender, whatever) still does it, that’s rape (whether they realise it or not). However, the law is man-made. You know best which situations are ones which the State (the cops, the courts) should be involved in, and which you choose not to involve the State in. Like one of my friends had sex at 14 with a 22 year old- clearly he committed a crime as she couldn’t legally consent. But the law can’t be right for all individuals and relationships; obviously my friend matured early and was able to consent- at least to that particular young man; I’m not implying that she would be consenting if he was 40 and had groomed her. Neither do I believe that just because someone is over the age of consent that it’s always okay- what if they’re naive or have serious mental health issues, or there is a large educational/experiential/age gap? Like is a bright 15 year old and a 20 year old with no qualifications really worse than an underachieving 16 year old (16 is the UK AoC) and a 35 year old CEO with a PhD. Probably not, yet it’s the first scenario that is criminalised. That’s without even touching on intimate partner violence. If your partner emotionally or physically abuses you, are you really, fully, consenting if the relationship itself is abusive?
I wrote a rather controversial article (under my official name) about consent and the law, and your article reminds me of those issues. It’s here if you’re interested: http://thefifthcolumnnews.com/2015/06/6-things-we-dont-want-to-admit-about-consent/
Really hot post btw!
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