Sex isn’t always hearts, flowers, champagne and sky-high orgasms. To be honest sometimes it’s not even hot fumbling, high fives and a faceful of spunk. Often what might have been an excellent fuck is ruined by one of the two things that our race is miserably prone to:
- the laws of physics
- biological incompetence
To celebrate those fucks that go wrong, here are three true stories of bad things that have happened to me during sex:
1. Unbalanced
When people think of university they might think of dissertations, hippie students, or excessive masturbation in the library. I, on the other hand, am reminded of the exceptionally narrow beds in my first year halls of residence.
During my first year, I conscripted an eager boy to join me in testing just how much we could get up to on one of these beds, as a rebellion against the miserable cunt who designed them to deter any sex whatsoever.
We were only foiled once, during our first drunken attempt at buttsex. At the moment of climax my boy slapped my arse, slammed his dick home nice and hard and declared in a sexy, ecstatic moan: “I’m going to come in your ass.”
The good news is that he sort of did. The bad news: as my leg slipped from the side of the bed, the rest of his jizz sprayed elsewhere as he tumbled onto the bedroom floor, chipping a tooth on the way down.
Moral of the story: even during climax, concentrate.
2. Sex toys
I love sex toys – give me something new and shiny and I’m more than happy to stick it in my cunt to see how it feels. Once a guy bought some ben wa balls. Not normal balls – these were rubber-coated, and textured with short, soft spikes. Interesting.
At least, they were interesting for the first five minutes or so until he pulled on the string holding them together. Instead of cooing with delight, I was left on the bed screaming ‘what the fuck?!’ as I realised that only one of the balls had come out with the string – the other was left inside me.
Luckily for me, I didn’t have to go to hospital to have it removed. It’s surprising what you can fish out of a vagina if you happen to have a teaspoon to hand.
Moral of this story: Don’t buy cheap sex toys off the internet.
3. Dark alleys
Fairly recently, I met an incredibly young-looking gentleman with whom I got quite pissed. After the initial pleasantries and gin, we retired to a nearby alleyway where I gave him an enthusiastic and fairly sloppy blow job. After a pleasant – if frantic – five minutes I picked up my bag, squeezed out of the narrow alley, and we went our separate ways.
No sooner had I parted from him than I smelt something horrible. Awful. I had no idea where it might have come from, but it seemed to be following me. After thoroughly checking the bottom of my shoes, my jeans, and any other conceivable area, I eventually realised that the smell was dog shit. Not just a bit – a lot. A Great Dane’s worth – all over my fucking bag.
After ditching the bag in the nearest bin, I sat miserably on the train home, wanting to vomit over the lingering scent in my nostrils. But above all I was praying desperately that the guy I’d just sucked off hadn’t noticed, and mistakenly thought the excitement of giving him head had led me to shit myself.
Moral of this story: Clean up after your fucking dog.
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Outdoor sex….
I can recommend *not* going down by the River Ouse in York and deciding to have a little fun under the willow tree that looks like it might provide protection from prying eyes. This is because there is a regular river cruise that operates at night with great big headlamps shining from the side of the boat onto the banks of the river….
Having bimbled around that area while bored, I shall bear this in mind!
Was on anti-depressants, and one of the side effects was that it was usually really hard to come, if it happened at all.
Started seeing a girl, and let her know that I might not finish, but it was fine.
Turns out, I did come. She tried to say “I thought you were going to take forever!”, but what came out was “That didn’t take long.”
Crushed. We’ve been married two years now.
Does disgusting count? Decided it would be fine to have anal when i had gastroenteritis. Shat all over him. We both got in the (cubicle) shower. My shit smell filled it quickly. Then I was sick on us. One of my proudest moments, I learnt a lot that day.
I think the most humiliating thing was during anal when my boyfriend had, let’s say ‘dislodged’ what’s usually up there (I had no idea I was even close to needing to go) with such force that I basically ended up with my arse and him covered in a mixture of shit and spunk. Even worse, I farted by accident and made it a lot worse. He told me not to be embarrassed and that it was fine, but all I could think was I’VE JUST SHIT ON YOU. MY SHIT IS ON YOU. HOW CAN I NOT BE.
It totally put me off doing it again, which is a shame as we both used to enjoy it.
Oh and the other night when my vagina decided to randomly explode all over everything. It’s on the walls, the pillow cases, my pants, his pants and just about everything in between. When I said explode, I really meant it.
I laughed so hard at the bag and the dog poo incident. You should write a book about your antics.
As for my own sex Olympic folly, perhaps the worst was when I fell off the edge of the bed and head butted my rather petite partner in the head, followed by me trying to pick her up, and giving her a sorry kiss. Leading to both of us chipping our front teeth.
How awesome am I at the sex? ha
I know it’s a cliché, but my sister walked in on me losing my virginity. She arrived home earlier than expected and walked straight into my room. She then spent the remainder of our adolescence treating me like I’d inflicted the experience on her on purpose.
My party piece is falling off the bed while giving head. I’ve done it several times – 3 times last year alone – but I’ve managed not to hurt anyone while doing it.
Then there was the time my diaphragm got stuck inside me and refused to come out. The guy I was with spent about an hour trying to extract it, to no avail. I had to get a nurse to extract it. That time. On another occasion my best friend had to extract it. But she was just returning the favour, as I’d removed her’s on a previous occasion. I got a smaller one after the second incident. I’m happy to report it hasn’t got stuck again.
However, the most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to me happened last year. My partner was giving me excellent head and I farted in his face during orgasm. I was mortified. He carried on like nothing had happened, but I couldn’t relax and enjoy his very talented tongue. I had to ask him to stop. He said I was being silly and “it didn’t even smell!”, but I was crimson with embarrassment. I got over it pretty quickly, though ;-)
These stories are amazing – thanks all, you have massively cheered up my Thursday by making me feel slightly less awkward about my own failures.
BookCunt and ces – similar things have happened to me before. Agree with you on the fact that it’s utterly mortifying, but it’s good to know that it’s quite common.
Chaz – that’s hilarious! Also, having read a lot of the Marquis de Sade recently, I can reliably inform you that for certain men that is in fact a fetish. There is a man on OKCupid who messages random girls asking them to fart in his face, on the off-chance that at some point one will say yes. I hope some of them do.
Brad – delighted that yours had a happy ending =)
Incidentally, because it rounds the tale off – the guy who featured in story 3 has now read this blog, and did notice. He was just far too polite to say. What a beautiful place the world is.
I also have one that thankfully doesn’t involve the explosion of any bodily parts nor fluids, nor awkward stains. But it’s still embarrassing.
We were in my boyfriend’s room and he’d tied my wrists to the bed. It was awesome- and then the door knocked and his twin (who doesn’t like me very much) brother was standing there. My boyfriend threw a blanket over me just before the door opened but my hair was fucked up and my wrists were obviously tied to the bed frame. Then my discarded knickers got stuck to his foot. He looked at me, looked at them, looked at my wrists then proceeded to have a conversation with his brother for several minutes before finally leaving.
Very, very awkward dinner afterwards.
Wow, he was a prick!
Both of my ‘most embarrassing sex moment’ stories involve broken furniture..
One time I was having some “cowgirl style” fun with a guy in this cheap motel. I was just merrily bouncing up and down on him and completely didn’t notice that the mattress was sliding off its support until it – and we – fell off the end of the bed. We just put the bed back together and went back at it. ;p
The other time was when I was doing a webcam show & masturbating with a largeish cucumber, which I do NOT ordinarily do. JUST as I started to cum the platform I had rigged up as a stage simply…fell apart. How much more embarrassing to have my embarrassing moment caught on camera! But it must have been hilarious for the audience to watch, and I’m the sort of girl who cant help but appreciate the funny even if I’m the butt of it.
Ruined my damn orgasm though.
The can of whipped cream seem like such a fun, sweet idea…. Unfortunately when smeared on hot, sweaty skin and mixed with various other bodily fluids the result is a thin layer of yellow slime that smells of rancid butter.
The shower room was two floors down…. and on the far side of the communal kitchen….
Like your above noter, I was getting head and shifted about a bit, only to ‘queef’ in the poor guy’s face. Karma had its revenge several years later when a different gentleman came inside me, relaxed and farted loudly.
It was my first girlfriend. We were fucking on top of a sleeping bag, in missionary, on my bed. All of a sudden I felt a pain in my knee. Being in the moment – and what a moment it was – I thought nothing of it and kept going until I came. It was only afterwards that I thought to check what the pain was.
Oh dear. I’d been moving back and forward on the sleeping bag zip while thrusting and the motion had *sawed a hole 2 inches long and half an inch deep in the side of my leg*. OW. Bed covered with blood. I still have the scar.
I’ve had a similar experience with the cowgirl position in the bedroom floor. We were going at it and I got a pain in my right foot. It didn’t hurt that bad so I kept going. Turns out I was getting a massive carpet burn on my foot right above my big toe. Had a bloody mess to pick up afterwards as well…. but I learned my lesson!
One of my most, well, not embarrassing per say, but slightly annoying I guess sex incident was with my boyfriend about 2-3 months ago. He was lying on his back, I was lying on my back on top of him. I had all the control; moving my hips just right so as his shove his dick in and out of me. Well I got a little over enthusiastic and pulled up too far causing his dick to come completely out of me and I didn’t notice until I came back down and his dick slammed right into my tailbone. Oh it hurt. It hurt so bad… but he still wanted to keep going, so I said okay! And we both finished. The reason it’s annoying is because my tailbone still aches every now and then… and it’s been like 2 months! Bah! We still do that position (it’s one of his favorites- he can reach everything on me) but he always holds onto my hips now if he thinks I’m starting to get a bit overzealous :P Luckily hasn’t happened again! Just wish my tailbone would stop hurting…
Missionary position, and a bead of sweat runs off the end of my nose and drops right into her eye.
Ah had that. Thought it was soooo totally hot!
Another scatological story for me.
Anal with an old girlfriend, we were going for it and she suddenly said “oh noooo!”, then preceded to have a messy shit all over my cock (and the floor).
The smell (and frankly the sight) of it was enough to make me gag, which I’m sure made her feel a hell of a lot better about things.
Told you the story on Twitter, but here it is for everyone to see.
A few years ago, I hooked up with my dad’s then-girlfriend. Long story. (But she was only 26 – I was 17). Anyway, we thought he wasn’t coming back that night, but turns out he’d left something at home and had to come back and grab it. He heard us (GOTN, that’s a post for the future, how you sound during sex?), came into the room just as I was about to blow my load and, not realising who I was, started to pull me off her. Somehow I ended up spunking right on his face.
I went to my room quietly, he told her to get out and went back to the airport to catch a delayed flight. When he came back, we kind of looked at each other and since then we’ve had an unspoken agreement to pretend it never happened. I should note that since then, he hasn’t had a serious relationship with a woman under 35. And that wasn’t the first time I’d hooked up with one of his girlfriends although he hadn’t caught me before. (I love you Dad, please don’t kill me if you read this).
Holy crap. HOLY CRAP!
I remember long ago, giving the first bf an enthusiastic hand job as he hovered over me on all-fours. Was aiming for the usual finishing area of belly-boobs, instead it went straight in my eye. Both found that hilarious for a good few years.
More recently, first bondage experimentation sessions included me kneeling over the other lucky participant and I tried to shuffle backwards a bit away from the wall. Unfortunately I totally lost my balance and not having my arms free to steady myself as I would normally, I started falling head-first towards a painful-looking power socket. I managed to avoid this by falling into his face instead.
I cried laughing, he got up to take a leak and returned to find me still semi-incapacitated and giggling.
Good times.
I can confirm the accuracy of this anecdote. And the luckiness of the lucky participant.
I suppose the moral of the story would be to stay in the centre of the bed as much as possible.
Good times, indeed.
Oh god, I forgot the spiders!
Twice, spiders have interrupted my enjoyment of being eaten out; once, again the first bf, we ventured outside to some army land I knew very well from my childhood for some al fresco enjoyment. Found a secluded path no one ever used, got to it.
Unsurprisingly, nature wanted to join in and a huuuuge spider ran across my midriff. Good job I’m not terrified of them.
Worse was my uni bf, he was doing his thing in his room at his mum’s place, late at night in the dark. I felt something tickling around my ribs, grabbed it by reflex and threw whatever it was at the general direction of the floor. I had to find out if it was a thing or not, so we put the light on and he moved some piece of junk to reveal a massive house spider, slightly squished. That one kinda killed the mood.
I’ve thought i’ve broken a bloke’s penis before: on top, happily bouncing away, come hard (really nice), manage to … bend him or something as i slip forward. It bloody hurt me, he refused to have me on top for a while….
Don’t *think* it was the same time as when i came so hard, i tightened up so much that he yelped… no, no, those were definitely separate occasions…
Do solo sex accidents count? I once broke my leg while wanking. I won’t post the story here, because it’s fucking long, but you can read it here if you so wish…
http://impresswomen.tumblr.com/post/23156559386/tomjerryhose
Do not, in a rabid & enthusiastic attempt at guiding your partners cock home, accidentally catch the tip with your nail. The minuscule nick it creates is unbalanced to the vast amount of blood that gushes from the evidently engorged member. Not pretty my friends. Not. Pretty. And surprisingly puts a bit of a downer on proceedings.
I’ve never had an issue with sex during menstruation and think in many ways it’s both hot and especially intimate. I remember one time though when having sex in a hotel room during a very passionate affair with a lover who had unbeknownst to me decided to wear a “mooncup” as she was worried, I would be worried about period sex.
During some fairly passionate and vigorous coupling the device came free and a large amount of blood that had been held back by the device flooded out. We were covered in it – which was no real problem as were able to shower but so was the bed and even the floor. It looked like we might have murdered someone!
I remember explaining later to the hotel staff and they were amazingly understanding and refused my offer of paying for the cleaning saying worse things than that happen all the time.
Wow – I’m incredibly impressed that the hotel was so nice about it. I have to confess that if the same happened to me I’d probably be too nervous to say anything to them – good to know that they’ve seen worse, though! I’m imagining a party of cleaning-averse splosh fetishists leaving the room drizzled in custard and splattered with cake.
I suspect they meant that someone had shat the bed in the past. Your custard image is sort of sweet, though :)