Girl on the Net

“I have to think of something to write about wanking.”

“Isn’t everything you write basically about wanking?”

“You don’t read my blog, do you?”

“Well, you can’t really blame me. I have to talk to you every day. Anyway, why do you have to write something about wanking?”

“Because it’s National Masturbation Month.”

“A whole month? How long does it take to have a wank?!”

There you go – a rare glimpse into my regular evenings. I keep trying to persuade my other half to write a guest blog for me on what it’s like to go out with a sex blogger, but apparently he can’t stretch ‘pretty annoying, mate,’ into a long enough blog post.

So instead you get me again, wanking on about… well… wanking.

I’ve written a hell of a lot about wanking before: speed wanking; admin wanking; why we need to stop shaming guys who use sex toys; the best ways guys have told me they masturbate; working from home.

And I’ll be honest, like a vaguely horny hungover person who can’t be bothered to reach the laptop to find the perfect porn, I’m bereft of wanking inspiration. I have an awesome blog about unique wanking tricks coming up soon, but I want it to be perfect, and it isn’t yet, so I’m holding it back until it’s ready. In the meantime, though, because I often get people ask me to write about/flog/recommend sex toys, here are some cool sex toys you can buy if you want to treat yourself to a bloody great wank.

Buy cool sex toys

All the following links are from my sponsors: SexToys in the UK and SheVibe in the US. Other retailers are available, but if you buy from these people you’re supporting my blog and helping me do things like pay guest bloggers, and stock my own cupboards with food and more sex toys. If you buy from SexToys, use the code GOTN10 to get 10% off, and all of the below comes with the honkingly massive caveat that I’m by no means an expert in any of this stuff – I have not tried All The Sex Toys. I just know what feels good to me and what makes guys I know jizz like champagne at a Formula One ceremony.

If you have a clit

The Doxy Massager – it’s a hefty, powerful, juggernaut of a wank stick, and the first time I used it I contorted into positions I didn’t know existed just to press myself against it at the right angle. It is one of very few things that has given me an orgasm which feels genuinely and uniquely different to any other orgasm I’ve had. Some people complain that it’s too loud (hi, neighbours!) or too powerful for them. You can adjust the speed and you don’t have to turn it up to eleven like I do, and if your housemates get angry you can muffle the noise slightly with the duvet, but I can’t promise you won’t yelp like a startled puppy at the height of your twenty-second orgasm.

Buy Doxy in the UK.

Buy Doxy in the US.

If you have a vagina

Glass dildos are pretty fucking awesome. I recently discovered these (I know, I know – I’m not really a sex toy reviewer so it takes me a while to get to grips with things that other people have loved for ages), and the one I have is rock solid. Like, you know how Plato had this idea of shadows on the wall of a cave, and how in life we’re only seeing shadows of the perfect individual things, which exist only in another plane? And every chair you see is just a poor copy of the ‘ideal’ chair that exists beyond your current grasp? Glass dildos are the Platonic ideal of any morning boner I’ve ever wanted to sit on.

Buy this one, which is the one I own, in the UK.

Buy the closest match for it in the US.

If you have a penis

SPOILER: I don’t have a penis. But I know some people who do, and here are things they’ve recommended to me.

The Pulse – this one can be hit and miss, depending on what your dick likes. One guy who reviewed it for me said it made him harder than he’d been in weeks, another guy told me it did little for him. I think a lot of it depends on how sensitive your frenulum is (the bit just under the head of the penis). That’s where the unique and interesting Pulse plate sits, and it thrums back and forward in a way no other vibrator does. If that sounds like Your Kind Of Thing, then I reckon you’ll love it. If you don’t have a penis but the idea of a Batman-wank sounds hot, then I urge you to check out some videos of dudes using the Pulse for a hands-free, jizz-all-over-their-stomachs wank. It’s amazing.

Buy Pulse in the UK.

Buy Pulse in the US. (Or visit the Hot Octopuss website to buy one direct)

If you prefer the up-and-down motion of a traditional wank, but you want something a bit more exciting, then go for a masturbator: any masturbator. My lack of cock means I have no idea how each of them feels, but I have used a fair few on guys I love, and it’s very rare to get one that doesn’t make him jizz so hard he nearly shoots straight through the end of it. I can tell you one thing if you’re choosing between them, though: if I were buying a gift for someone who wanted the hottest, most stylish handjob I had ever given, I’d go for something Tenga. There are loads of cool ones, but because everything I’ve suggested so far has been a bit pricey, here’s a spafftastic Tenga thing for twelve quid (or less than ten dollars in the US because there’s something in the constitution about the right to bear jizzcups for cheap).

Buy Tenga Deep Throat in the UK.

Buy Tenga Deep Throat in the US.

If you want something a bit more unusual

Sometimes, when I wank, I find it deeply hot to put on a corset and do it up really tight. The pressure on my stomach is amazing, and there’s a cool self-bondage implication there that I massively get off on. Try it yourself with some rope, or a corset of your own – tight around the stomach, giving pressure to just that part of your body that churns when you get really horny.

Rope in the UK and corsets in the UK.

Rope in the US, and corsets in the US.

Voilà. Some sex toys. I know this post sounds a bit like I’m phoning it in, which is why it’s a ‘bonus’ post rather than a normal Wednesday or Sunday one. I think there’s often an expectation that anyone who writes about sex will necessarily be an expert in what to buy to rub on your genitals. The truth is, other people do the ‘impartial, in-depth review’ thing far better than I do, so if you want to find out more about cool things to try, head to Epiphora‘s awesome blog, or Gritty Woman, or Cara Sutra. But if you just fancy something ace because May is a good excuse to wank yourself into a frenzy, and you’d like to support my sex-related-but-not-a-sex-toy-review-site in the process, then you’d make me a very happy girl.

I won’t be annoyed if you don’t, though: not all of us have money to spare, and while you’ll see loads of bloggers like me using this month as an excuse to mention our favourite vibrators, dildos, and other jerk-off accoutrements, let’s not let commercialism obscure the true meaning of National Masturbation Month: locking the door, telling everyone to fuck off, and wanking yourself raw like you’ve only just discovered it. As with those early wanks, if you’ve no money for the fancy stuff, your hand will probably do just fine.