Most people living in the UK will have noticed that the sun came out this weekend. I mean, even if you haven’t opened the curtains or you live in a basement you’ll have noticed that the sun’s been out, because everyone with a social media account has been commenting on the joy of being able to go outside without wrapping yourself in waterproof plastic and holding a charm to ward off floods.
Back in October, I wrote about why Autumn is sexy. Although, as a wool-wrapped goth, I’m mainly a winter person, I thought that given the mood of general sun-worship I’d do the same for summer. Here are all the hot things I’m looking forward to during that one week in mid-August when we get something resembling a warm season.
Five reasons why summer is hot
Guys get their upper arms out
That’s right, gents, your upper arms and shoulders are to me what sugar is to a five year old. The muscle definition (which most of you have even if you aren’t bulked-up gym bunnies, by the way) is temptingly squeezable. I used to have a friend who’d roll up the sleeves of his t-shirt in the summer to ensure he didn’t get a tan line halfway down his biceps. Practical and sensible, sure, but it left me melting in an oozing puddle of knicker-moistening lust.
I’m not a fan of topless guys in very public places, though. I suspect this is a by-product of living in Japan for a few years, where people frowned on public semi-nakedness in the same way as they’d frown on public defecation. Taking off your entire shirt when you’re walking down the street feels a bit aggressive to me, so I shy away from looking at men who have got everything above the waist on display.
But your shoulders? Your biceps? Those big strong arms that I imagine squeezing me around the waist or neck? I cannot get enough of them.
Playing sports in the park
Men doing things. Men doing hot things. Men running around energetically while I sit under the cool shade of a nearby tree imagining what would happen if I snuck into their changing room and held up a sign that said “I am your post-match refreshment: FEAST UPON ME!”
The physicality of park sport combined with the playful friendliness of it (I’ve rarely seen groups of hooligans chanting when there are jumpers for goalposts) makes for a deeply erotic tableau.
And just so you know, it doesn’t have to be football. In my area of London the park sport of choice is cricket. Now cricket, despite being second only to golf as the most tedious non-sport known to mankind, at least has the benefit that the players use their hands. Sexy, sexy hands.
Speedos
Do you hate Speedos? Do you disparagingly refer to them as ‘banana hammocks’ or something equally crass? Well, when I am a millionaire with my own private pool you won’t be invited to the party.
I won’t give you any bullshit about the atmosphere they evoke, or the peripheral hotness of seeing a man in these tightest of tight swimming trunks. Speedos are hot because I can see your cock: end of.
Swimming shorts are hot too, because they drape so nicely over your manly hips and arse, and look excitingly like the weight of the water could drag them down your legs at any moment. Oh, and when they get wet, guess what? I can probably see your cock.
Holiday fucking
Whether I’m stuck in a hostel, trying to have awkward sex up against a bunkbed before some backpacking strangers get back from the bar, or holed up in a cheap Spanish apartment, tipsy on sangria and lazily wanking you off before we head out for late-night tapas, holiday sex is the ultimate in ‘couldn’t give a fuck’ fun.
When I’m on holiday I don’t care in the slightest that I’m sweaty, bedraggled, blotchy, burned, or have half the Sahara and a good portion of camel hair lodged in my arse crack. Unless you’re infinitely better than I am at picking up strangers over buckets of vodka in Ibiza, holiday sex is usually sex you have with someone you’ve known for ages. Someone who is just as relaxed and de-mob happy as you are, and has more than enough time to fuck your brains out.
If you feel the same about the hotness of holiday sex and you have a spare pile of money, let me know – I’ve got an awesome idea for a travel guide listing streets, restaurants and tourist attractions in which you can surreptitiously fuck. It’s basically The Lonely Planet, but for perverts.
Delicious salty man sweat
Need I say more about this, the ultimate in filthy summer delights? Well, I can’t. Because I am too busy licking it from your neck.
14 Comments
“Whether I’m suck in a hostel […]”
Paging Dr Freud…
Ah, shit. Now I’ll have to change that so your comment will make no sense. Shame =p
I think the same can be said about female skirts getting shorter in the warmer weather, more skin on show etc. They are predicting a very hot summer in Europe so could be lots to see and hormones going through the roof!
Interesting contrast there between men with no shirts on being intimidating and men in Speedos being hot. Not that you can’t reasonably hold both opinions, of course; I’m sure the visibility of the cock has something to do with it.
Is it also a matter of context? Would a man in Speedos walking down the high street be intimidating rather than hot?
Spot on: topless men aren’t intimidating per se – just in places where people aren’t usually topless. As I say though, this might just be an odd personal twitch because of living in Japan.
Summer for me is watching my wife and her sister tanning in the nude, then dumping a bucket of cold water on them.
That and skirts are gonna appear in both of their dressers again. Nothing quite like a quickie tucked behind a tree.
“I am your post-match refreshment: FEAST UPON ME!”
…there is something definitely wrong with my head when the first image that came to my mind had nothing to do with sex, all to do with a changing room full of zombies. I think I need to get out more and play less games/watch movies ._.
Ps. Braaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnsssssss…
Hehe. When I saw this comment I immediately Googled ‘zombie fetish’, but disappointingly although I found plenty of sites where they talk about it, I could not find any hot zombie porn. =(
I have. It’s often called or tagged Necrophilia.
It’s often less zombie porn, and more snuff than anything.
Some of the hentai for it is hot zombies.
I wrote a sex scene involving a zombie once. Partway through his cock fell off, but it turned out he could still feel it so they had all kinds of fun ;)
That. Is. Amazing. And now I am going to spend the rest of the day thinking about zombie sex.
The heat of a girls skin after being in the sun, especially when the surrounding night air is cooling is delicious. That and the sexy summer time sprawl on a beach or in a field, a position only otherwise adopted in private, it seems to become acceptable to wear little and show all. *beats everyone to the beach and reserves lounger with towel*…
Oh yes – summer smell on someone’s skin is awesome! Especially post-swimming-in-the-sea. It’s salty and sweaty and warm and… unngh. Amazing.
ll I can say is try a nude beach sometimes. People’s walls come down when they are in a non-sexual nudity-allowed situation. Plus you can see their cock.