Girl on the Net

For those of you sitting in a comfortable office, wondering what your colleagues who work from home are getting up to, I can tell you that more often than not your suspicions are correct. We’re wanking.

Not all the time: we work as well. But consider all the time you spend distracting yourself from work by doing other things: making a cup of tea, eating biscuits, gossiping with colleagues about why you found a copy of so-and-so’s CV in the printer. We have some of these options (biscuits) but not others (gossip), so technically we have a fair amount of break time that can be dedicated to furious masturbation.

I like to get as much work as possible done at the start of the day. That means mornings are spent frantically typing, pitching, and occasionally going to meetings.

Just before lunch, I wind down a bit, and have a nice big wank before watching Bargain Hunt. Not during: I am not a total perv.

After lunch: more work. And as I dip slightly in productivity halfway through the afternoon, I treat myself to another nice big wank before my afternoon coffee (instant, two sugars: I’m not a total perv).

One last push to get the rest of my work done, before doing all the chores on my to-do list and having a final wank before my partner comes home.

I like routine.

Breaking the wanking routine

Unfortunately, this week he’s been ill, and so has been sitting around cluttering up the house, throwing a gigantic spanner into the works of my wanking routine.

For some reason I find it impossible to do things like this when he’s in the house and awake. I twitch and I fidget and my left leg jiggles up and down under the table. I read sexy things and watch a hot video or two, but the worry that at any point he’ll burst in and offer me a cup of coffee prevents me from doing what I actually want to do: a swift, hands-down knickers tension-relieving wank.

Don’t tell me to shag him. It’s not the same. It’s not part of my fucking routine.

I don’t know why I find it so hard – I’ve masturbated in front of him loads of times before, and I know with certainty that if he walked in on me having a sly hand-shandy he’d probably just pop straight back out again, without a word. We have an understanding regarding casual masturbation: both of us need it like we need water and sunlight. Regardless of how much sex we’re having, both of us enjoy a simple, uncomplicated admin wank. Yet the idea of him walking in on me while I’m doing it makes me… I don’t know… shy.

I think it’s the surprise. I don’t mind him seeing me naked, but walking in on me in the shower when I’m not expecting it sends shivers down my spine. Getting changed on the beach while he’s holding a towel in front of me and keeping a look out? No problem. But accidentally dropping the towel when I’m bleary-eyed and morning-y? Horrible. I want him to see me, but I also want the opportunity to polish and present myself in a way that makes me feel comfortable.

When we’re together in the house and there’s no way to be fully alone, I can’t help but want to give him some money and send him to the cinema, so I can relax and have a bog-standard wank.

Since I’ve started working from home, I’ve had at least four friends send me a link to the ‘working from home’ sketch by Mitchell and Webb (embedded below, so you can admire its startling accuracy), and others have asked me for my working from home tips. How do you stay on track? How do you keep your focus?

My answers to both of these questions would, respectively, be: “I don’t really” and “ooh look, a squirrel!” I’m incompetent at the best of times, and I manage to get things done using a combination of frantic typing and extreme panic. In terms of maintaining focus, the best thing I can possibly do is rub one out: it gives me a screen break, blows away the cobwebs of writers’ block, and gives me a burst of adrenaline that’s sufficient to carry me through the next task before I start getting horny again.

That’s why this week, not only has it taken me far longer to struggle through each work-related task, I’ve been far angrier and more stressed than usual. Why, instead of giving the kind of loving support and sympathy for his illness, I’ve instead been inclined to snap “will you just FUCK OFF darling?”

So screw to-do lists and targets and self-motivation: the most useful working from home tip I could give is dead simple. When you work from home, your wanking routine will become a borderline sacred thing, so prevent the breakdown of your relationship by buying your partner the flu jab.