As the sun will rise every morning, so each day an internet commenter will decide that something new is The Worst Thing To Ever Have Happened.
I’m not prone to slagging off commenters – you who join in below the line, adding critique, debate, praise and hilarious jokes about this one time you fell off the bed while fucking – you are a valuable and incredible part of the internet. Sniffy bloggers like me don’t have a monopoly on opinions, and frequently the contribution of thoughtful, awesome people adds loads to a topic, or makes me snort coffee out of my nose when they drop a particularly hilarious pun. Comments are incredibly valuable: I’d be a liar if I told you differently.
But there is one kind of commenter who can fuck utterly off. And it’s someone I had only made passing acquaintance with until I started working for hot porn site Dreams of Spanking. It’s this person:
“Eww. Why on earth would you post two men going at it?”
“Sorry, but this just isn’t my thing AT ALL.”
“What the hell is THAT?”
Porn ain’t all for you
Brace yourself: not all porn is created for one particular type of person, with one particular sexual preference. I know – shock.
To be honest if you’re reading this, you’ll know that already. But some people apparently don’t, as evidenced by the fact that they’ll pop up in the comments sections on porn sites, sex blogs, and other sexual media with the taste of one bitter word on their lips:
“Eww.”
Nothing more than that because, make no mistake, these people aren’t usually offering constructive criticism: an idea for a future scenario, a shot that could be slightly better framed to highlight someone’s arse. No – they’re simply telling you that it disgusts them. That one or other of the performers does not meet their exacting taste, or that the scenario in question is not one they wish to wank to.
I get it here sometimes too, albeit rarely. Someone will pop up beneath a story I’ve written and say “Eww – not my thing.” The implication being: stick to this other thing that I do like, and never deviate from it again. Which is a bit frustrating because most of what I write is true, and I’m damned if I’m going to fork out for my own bangbus just to keep up with expectations. More significantly, my blog is already pretty “submissive straight girl gets banged by dominant straight guy,” because that’s how I usually fuck, and having someone tell me that I should be more porn-conventional feels a bit like someone telling me I don’t eat enough cheese.
What is entitlement?
This. This is entitlement, in one of its purest forms.
Like all women, I hate generalisations, so I’m not going to tell you that everyone who leaves a comment like this is a straight guy. But what I will tell you is that these comments seem to appear more frequently under porn that doesn’t fit our idea of what straight guys want to wank to.
I mean ‘more frequently’ by proportion, of course, not by number, because as most of us know a significant chunk of porn is produced for this demographic. Porn in which slim, beautiful women take up most of the screen, and men contribute faceless cocks and off-camera grunting noises. Lesbian porn that, despite its name, is not usually aimed at lesbians. In which it’s so accepted that the viewer will be a straight, cis man, that the term ‘POV’ has become almost synonymous with ‘top-down view of a blow job.’ You get the idea.
I have no problem with any of this porn in principle. What I do have a problem with is the fact that it’s seen as the ‘default’, and so often it’s presented as the only type of porn there is. Media debates about the ‘harm’ that porn does to society rarely references queer, radical, diverse films – only same-old same-old POV blow jobs and plotless gangbangs. Images used to illustrate articles on porn use slim, usually white, usually cis women in various states of undress, because the assumption that this is what “sexy” looks like is much bigger than the porn industry.
So what’s entitlement? It’s being so used to this environment that not only do you not question it, you take steps to actively reinforce it. Demanding that everything be made to your taste. Created for you, or at the very least created in deference to you – with an apology or a note that says ‘hey straight dudes sorry you won’t like this – we’ve specifically tagged it as ‘gay’ so you don’t accidentally see two people engaging in some sex that we shot when we forgot you existed.’
Entitlement is going out of your way to make people feel bad about creating hot stuff that doesn’t match your tastes. It’s being one of the people for whom most porn is made, yet still deciding that ‘most’ is not enough.
Not all porn is for you
Again it’ll be obvious to those of you who are here, and who have read more than one or two things I’ve posted before. But for some reason it’s not obvious to everyone, so I’m going to rather shamelessly ask you to share it if you spot people doing this stuff.
While constructive criticism is fantastic, there’s no value at all in an ‘eww’ – it’s just plain destructive. It’s particularly shit for performers who don’t fit the cardboard cut out ideal of ‘sexy’ we are given by the media, but who have the confidence to get their kit off and enjoy their bodies anyway.
At best, crying ‘eww’ is deeply illogical – like giving Reykjavik a shit review on TripAdvisor because you’re more of a beaches-and-sunshine person. And at worst it’s cringe-inducingly entitled – like wandering up to a stranger and demanding that they dress the way you want them to.
Above all, it simply doesn’t make sense to declare that new, innovative porn disgusts because it doesn’t fit the mould, given that a hell of a lot of performers, writers and producers deliberately want to change the status quo. They aren’t going to see a comment, slap their hand to their forehead and cry “OF COURSE! How could I POSSIBLY have FORGOTTEN the straight dudes! What an elementary mistake!”
They didn’t accidentally write that scene, or hire those performers: it was a deliberate and conscious choice. Not a ‘fuck you’ to the straight guys, but a ‘fuck yeah’ to everyone else: a house built firmly on new territory, and an invitation to others to pop in and join the party. Just as you’re free to click away from porn you don’t like, so you’re free to walk past the new-porn party house without so much as a glimpse inside. No one is ever going to drag you inside, and hold your eyes open while a bunch of people you don’t fancy do things you don’t like on the sofa. But if you walk in of your own volition, and the first thing you do is start bitching about the punch? Don’t be surprised when we think you’re a dick.
36 Comments
Thank you for writing this, i’ve been so exasperated with the never ending stream of comments on various porn sites, sometimes as explicit as “Eww”, sometimes more insidious of “please post more of….” and this articulates it a lot better than I could ever do. I’ve no problem with the occasional comment about lighting/staging, focusing more on a certain scene, or even the pace at times, but simple shut-down, revulsion is just tiring. There’s a voice in my head that says – “why do you think I even care whether you like this. I like this and I don’t know you.”
Thank you!
I couldn’t agree more the prevalence of such comments seems to be a need to insert yourself into any conversation because it allows you to feel powerful. As irritating and unecessary as these such comments are, and I too would dearly love to see them disappear, I can’t help but feel a little sorry for some of these people. Clearly such disgust comes from the biggotry they carry and the prejudicial blinkers they wear. I pity them, that they’ll live such narrow existences, experiencing only that which their tunnel vision allows them to see. So much of the joy and excitement in life is found at the fringe, the line where the things you never thought you’d try and even better things you’d never seen before lie.
For all my pity and woolly liberalism though, when they spitefully use their disgust to shame others that makes me very angry. It’s so frustratingly difficult to engage too because to some extent that’s feeding the trolls and you’re unlikely to moderate their views or actions. Posting contrary, positive responses too feels somewhat limp because we all, I suspect, feel the negative more keenly that the politely positive (or maybe I’m just a pessimist!).
As someone who’s been involved in comment moderation, mainly for non-commercial sites, I have no compunction in removing comments which simply add nothing to the conversation and “Eww!” is a prime example. Perhaps all such comments should be replaced with the text “User xyz made a comment which we feel is unworthy of publishing, so we haven’t!” ? How do you handle moderating such one word comments on other sites?
If all else fails, I think we should let my late Grandma moderate all porn site comments, partly because I find the idea a little bit hilarious and also because she saw nothing contradictory in her view that criticism is great but always considered it in the context of “If you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t say anthing at all.”
Thank you! And I LOVE your suggested method of comment moderation based on ‘if you can’t say anything nice…’ To be honest, while I don’t delete negative comments, I’m often far less likely to reply if they’re straight-up ‘I hate this’. I have no problem with other sites just deleting things that are this negative though, particularly in the case where they’re just commenting specifically on the bodies of people who are performing. It’s hurtful, and totally unnecessary, and I can see why a site owner would want to spare their performers from it. I’m more inclined to delete rude comments if they happen below a guest blog. Again, criticism is fine, but I feel a certain responsibility to protect guest bloggers from otherwise destructive ‘eww’-style comments. A sort of ‘don’t insult a guest in my house’ thing.
I think you’re right that we usually feel the negative more than the positive, but that’s not to say positive comments aren’t useful – I’d totally encourage people to leave positive comments on things they’ve enjoyed where they can, because it can sometimes make the difference between a day totally ruined and a day brightened up. Especially in the situation where you’ve only got one comment, and it’s one of these ‘eww’ type ones – a well placed ‘yay’ to balance it out can help to temper the hurt, at the very least.
Finally – totally see what you mean about pity too. At the end of the Narnia books Aslan invites everyone into heaven, and there’s a group of really negative, untrusting characters who refuse to believe in Aslan or heaven. They’re allowed in, and they sit at a table filled with delicious food and wine. But they keep their eyes closed and continue talking to each other like they’re still sitting in a darkened room with straw and horseshit on the floor. Everyone else enjoys themselves while this group sits around bitching about things and believing it’s really awful. I feel like ‘eww’ commenters are kind of the same =)
That’s an excellent analogy.
PS – the illustration is so cute today, I love it :)
“Like all women I hate generalisations” ;)
I’ve been waiting ages to use that. It’s too easy, but I like it =)
I don’t know, I don’t know. Yes, ‘eww’ is rude and badly brought up. But I’m not 100% sure it means ‘I do not like this therefore do not do it again’.
Is ‘OMG I love this!’ any less genuine or reactive than ‘eww!’? It’s polite and enthusiastic instead of rude and rejecting, but as a subjective reaction is it more valuable?
It’s like the snake thing – you got your feelings hurt because you love snakes, and your snake, but other people get an instant fear/revulsion reaction. I can’t look at pictures of spiders. I pretty much need trigger warnings for them. I do not choose this, it’s a bit of a pain in the ass, but phobias bypass sense. It’s not personal.
Homophobia, on the other hand, doesn’t get a free pass, and no, homophobes can accept it, or fuck off. That’s fine. Except, maybe they should be allowed their reaction. It just shows them up for who they are. Maybe they need a space to step back and see their reaction for what it is as it’s viewed by others?
I’m not exactly convinced by my own point, here, I agree about being polite. But in my job, we get feedback from students, who have a choice of Excellent/Good/Fair/Bad to choose from – and the truth is, knowing you got an ‘excellent’ isn’t that much more helpful than knowing you got a ‘bad’ without any context. Especially when you get one of each from within the same class…
“Is ‘OMG I love this!’ any less genuine or reactive than ‘eww!’? It’s polite and enthusiastic instead of rude and rejecting, but as a subjective reaction is it more valuable?”
Ooh, OK I’m glad you asked this because my answer is: HELL YES. An ‘I love this’ isn’t massively different in substance (it’s just a different emotive reaction after all) but there are unspoken things going on there (please make more of this, you have done a good thing etc) that I think makes it way more valuable. A love comment can encourage someone to do more of what they’re doing, and to feel happy about their achievement, whereas a negative comment is a shutdown: you’re only going to contribute to there being less good stuff in the world. This is a bit of a consequentialist argument, which I wouldn’t normally go for, but I think the effects of these comments are relevant.
I have no issue with people talking about what they don’t like – but I think there’s a huge difference between saying ‘eww’ and actively going out of your way to say ‘eww’ *at* the person who created it or is in it.
Yeah, I guess I can’t really argue with that.
I think the “OMG I love this” style of comment does have more value. If nothing else it’s an affirmation to the creator that what they do is not something to be ashamed of, or disgusted by, that someone out there appreciates the thing they have made.
Eww on the other hand, eww is the sound we make when something disgusts and repulses us. Not only does it offer nothing constructive, but it can actually be destructive, it equates whatever the content is with say having a seagull shit on your icecream, which if the creator is already a bit insecure about their predelictions is likely to make them more so.
Wondrous post. The only porn I genuinely find hot is gay porn, and I swear to god, you tell that to an ‘average suburban straight bloke’ and he’ll have a minor apoplectic fit, say “You’re kidding?” about a thousand times in a row, go on at length about how “disgusting” gay porn is and then conclude on my behalf that I’m totally mistaken, or that I’m deliberately winding him up. Because how can any woman possibly find anything hot, that he finds so wrong and disgusting.
I find it bleakly amusing that you’re only allowed to be cool about porn, if it’s porn that they’re cool with. Anything outside of that remit and they turn into the porn Taliban :-/////
It’s particuarly absurd given the same ‘average suburban straight bloke’ is probably very positively disposed towards “lesbian” porn (the quotes there denote my suspicion that what he watches is the particuarly sterotypical type of lesbian porn, i.e. directed towards men). So his stance is that a man enjoying lesbian porn is ok while a woman enjoying gay porn isn’t. I’m sorry, but the geek in me finds the fact he can’t see how illogical he’s being as probably the most annoying element of such an attitude. Then again, I supose perceived privilege does rather breed hypocrisy!
@ Ian. Absolutely correct. Couldn’t agree more. Grim, isn’t it?!
I just wanted to say that I bloody love the picture – it makes me all sorts of happy. Stuart is very talented.
Thank you for saying so – I’ll pass that on to him. I love Stuart’s work so much and I’m really lucky to have him drawing for me!
Spot on, maybe this is a different subject, but the kind of people that interfere in stuff that’s nothing to do with them, like the feminists* that don’t approve of consenting adults doing BDSM are what spring to mind too. I just want to say “it’s not for you, it’s nothing to do with you”.
* Not all feminists
I think that’s quite a different kettle of fish altogether.
Soz
No need to be sorry, we just disagree =)
I love my fish kettle, I’m a sucker for copper kitchenware, but I don’t even eat fish.
Sorry, I just enjoy the occasional non sequitur!
Very nice, but “Ewww?” “OMG.” Outdated.
“JHCOPS” is so much more descriptive.
; )
What’s JHCOPS?
Jesus H Christ On a Popsicle Stick, of course!
Haha, thanks. I was going round in circles working that out =)
I totally agree with the spirit of this article. People who go out of their way to do this sort of thing are weapons-grade dickheads. Problem is, in a lot of cases, complaining that non-heteronormative porn is not for them is missing the point. As you say, the more unorthodox stuff is always clearly marked and separated from everything else so it can’t be happening accidentally. When you get an ‘eww…’ type comment, it means that somebody has gone to all the trouble of a) clicking on a clearly titled link to a video, b) watched enough of it to determine it’s disgusting and c) write a comment to that effect. There are desires at play every step of the way; registering disgust and disapproval like this is erotically charged in itself. Essentially, these comments are a symptom of repressed sexuality.
Take comfort in the knowledge that whenever you see a derogatory comment like this, deep down somewhere, they’re secretly enjoying it!
Re the picture, while it makes me very happy to see the chap on the far right wanking off the chap to his left, why is said second chap with the nice hard cock apparently wearing socks? Eww… ;)
It appears as though anything not in the ‘most’ category experiences the Eww from those darn mainstream people. Very good catch on it being entitlement ;) http://lunapads.com/blog/2010/09/cloth-pads-gross/
That’s a really interesting article – thanks for linking! There are definitely similarities in the ‘I think this is eww so no one should do it’ attitude.
I like to think that if I ever post a comment on something that doesn’t work for me, it’s out of a genuine desire to understand why it works for other people. Like, I’m genuinely interested in the appeal of m/m porn to straight women, because I know the reason it doesn’t work for me is that it lacks the personal connection. I don’t want to watch other people getting fucked, I want to get fucked myself. So that’s not an ‘eww’ reaction, really, but it leaves me curious.
If something does trigger an ‘eww’ then I don’t bother commenting because, yeah, it’s not for me. I don’t have anything constructive to add, and I’m probably not interested in learning more. And I’ve never believed the world to be waiting with bated breath for my opinion on absolutely everything.
So well said. I often say this same thing when I’m perusing comments after a great piece of porn. I couldn’t care less what someone who didn’t like it has to say. I want to hear what the people who had to get off during and again after thought of it. If you don’t like it, move on.
I suppose with the advent of social media there is now this need for people to comment on just about everything. I love porn and a wide variety of it whether that be your bog standard Brazzers scene, a Wicked Pictures movie or watching a Dom/me insert a number of different sized objects into a submissive rear and turn up the voltage.
I have no issues with any kind of porn and if its not produced for my tastes then I will normally give it a look out of curiosity before moving on to what I am looking for. I wouldn’t feel right leaving a comment on it that just said “ewww not my thing” or “ewwww two guys that’s horrible”. It’s true that it isn’t my thing but it’s by no means horrible and there would be nothing constructive to those phrases and what would be the point of saying it? other than as you say a sense of entitlement.
That’s just my moneys worth and a long winded way of saying that I agree with what you have said here and enjoyed reading it.
I realise it’s a cliché, but: yes. This.
Whenever I see one of those ‘ewww’ comments, my mental reaction is: “Is this your first time on the Internet? You do know this isn’t the only porn site out there, right? There are other sites out there dedicated to The Stuff That You Like. In fact, if The Stuff That You Like is even vaguely mainstream, there will be dozens if not hundreds of them. Why aren’t you on one of those many sites right now, rather than complaining on this one, which clearly states it is not about The Stuff That You Like but about something else entirely?”
And to be fair, this does to some extent go both ways: the same reply applies to people unfamiliar with porn who assume all of it is the kind of default-heterosexual-male-gaze stuff you refer to in the post above. And OK, a lot of it is. But some people genuinely don’t seem to realise the diversity of porn that exists out there, and that there’s so much other porn that caters to different tastes. There really is something out there for everyone!
That said, if the criticism is not ‘porn is crap, I can’t find stuff I like’ but ‘the majority of porn is made for a default heterosexual male gaze, and that’s bad because it encourages a very narrow conception of sexuality, marginalises those who don’t fit into that paradigm, and reinforces and exemplifies the privileged position of straight males’ – well, that’s a better argument. And rather more sophisticated than simply ‘ewww’.
Oh and also, to the guys saying ‘ewww’: you didn’t pay for that porn you’re complaining about, did you? Thought not. Then you have no right to complain about it. Are you really enough of a jackass to watch/read porn that someone else has put online for free, quite probably at a net loss to them, and then whine that it doesn’t meet your own very personal and specific standards? You complete chode.
I always felt guilty watching porn. My ex wife hated it, I hid my occasional watching (thank you Incognito Browsing!)
It’s nice to read about people enjoying it as an expression of sexual identity.
I just wanted to share something I saw in one recently, don’t ask me to find the link, but it was on the Sexual Feelings Tumblr.
It was a nice couple video, one of those pro shot ones, all nice linen and HD. Usual stuff, she sucks him, he dines at the Y, she gets on top, rides him until she has a nice and vocal stack-blow, he takes charge from behind, then pulls out and goes to blat on her face.
He does, and she dissolves into uncontrollable giggles, and he joins in.
It was an utterly delightful moment, horny as fuck, but so, so sweet at the same time.
Elevated it above the usual porn cliches.
I hope you can all find it at some point. It’s magic!
May be a bit off-topic, I don’t know.
Just wanted to share.
Love your blog.
Keep boning and telling us about it!
I guess I must be the odd one out, because good or bad, I still want that person to express themselves honestly and state their true feelings. Anyway I tend to overlook comments that I don’t agree with. If they have said something that I don’t agree with then OK. It’s their opinion and I’m just going to continue on with what I was doing and not pay it any attention.
Are you coming from the angle of someone who makes porn, or from someone who watches it?