The sound of sex is pretty important, by which I mean that if I’m fucking you I want to hear noises. You know – yelps, squeals, sighs – all that good stuff. Above all I want to hear you grunt like I’m a particularly hefty bit of furniture and you’re shifting me up an awkward staircase.
The most common soundtrack to my fucking is just that: the sound of fucking. Me sighing, you moaning, like a shit call-and-response bridge in the middle of a passionate duet.
Unngh.
Aaah.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Oh.
Nnng.
Oooh.
You know what I mean.
Sometimes, though, people choose to play music.
When I was fucking new people quite regularly, and I had a housemate whose desire to hear me fuck could be measured on a scale from ‘no thanks’ to ‘Jesus fuck woman I will BUY you a GAG’, I had a sex playlist.
The rules for a sex playlist
What was on it? I can’t remember in detail, mostly just the Kind of Music I Like, filtered through the following criteria:
1. It couldn’t have lyrics that referenced sex in any kind of horrible/creepy/hilarious way.
Thus: no Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang. You’d think that this rule would be clear to anyone, but it turns out it’s not, because I once had a boyfriend who was a huge Nirvana fan, and one of the songs on his sex soundtrack was ‘Rape me.’ Not through sick humour or an attempt at irony, he has just never even considered it.
“Oh yeah,” he said, when I explained that it was inappropriate and offputting. “I hadn’t thought of that.”
He hadn’t thought of it! I swear, he was the sort of man who could plan an awesome party and forget to invite himself. I say that with affection, of course. But basically he made the mistake of picking a sex soundtrack that just consisted of ‘some songs he liked’, without considering the consequences.
2. It couldn’t conjure images of anything that would kill the mood.
Think any song that includes animals, kids or reference to ‘your mother’ that is more than fleeting. Also, no Rick Astley, obviously.
3. No song could be one which a previous dude had mocked me for loving.
This was the hardest rule to implement because apparently I have ‘shit’ taste in music. I think they mean ‘eclectic and charming,’ but whatever. Some people just struggle to articulate their true feelings when they are confronted by my ‘hoovering’ playlist, which manages to seamlessly segue Julie Andrews into Lady Gaga into The Shirelles into System of a Down, before ending on a triumphant Barbara Streisand telling you not to rain on her motherfucking parade.
Sadly, this rule means that I have never yet achieved one of my life dreams: having a guy fuck me towards a dramatic, hammering climax as we match the drum beats in “Do You Hear The People Sing?” from Les Miserables.
I know, tough rules, right? There weren’t many that made it through. I don’t have the list any more, but I’d hazard a guess that it included Bottles to the Ground by NOFX, and at least one thing from Greenday. What can I say? These are the songs I learned to fuck to back in the early noughties. While I don’t remember all the tracks, I do remember that every single time I played it, I thoroughly regretted not paying for an ad-free version of Spotify. There’s nothing like reaching climax while someone urges you to ‘click the banner ad to find out more!’
It’s a shame I can’t revive the songs though, I just get occasional flashes because what I eventually created was a kind of double-nostalgia feedback loop: the songs I’d learned to fuck to were now the soundtrack to the sex I had as an older person who knew what I wanted.
First time round I’d have fumbled and frotted and panted my way through the shags. Second time around I’d remember the frotting, and direct all the fumbles to things that would more skilfully get me off. And – as I played the list when I got with new people – I’d have new, awesome faces and experiences to associate with each song. That blow job, this moment of ejaculation – they added to the pot of sexy memories to make my cunt twitch when the tune came on at a party.
33 Comments
I’ve rarely had sex to music, but Joni Mitchell’s a good choice.
I have a terrible fear of having sex to anything from a musical, because I just know I’d start singing along mid-thrust, and I’m not sure I’d be able to carry on for much longer.
I tried to bone to Cake once, but the off-beat syncopation was too difficult to match
Top three tracks would be The Letter by PJ Harvey, Low by Foo Fighters, and my personal favourite, Wolf Like Me by TV On The Radio. Every time my flatmate hears the opening drumbeat he immediately leaves the building.
MMMM. Love music during sex, but when it’s really good (the sex that is), I never even notice the music. My current loves are Desire by Meg Myers and Crave by Tove Lo.
If and when some randy background music is needed, Carl Orffs “Carmina Burana”
always works best for us … especially “Oh Fortuna”.
Gregorian chant – not too loud and with a bit of added echo or reverb – can be very
effective as well. Dimmed down red light, flickering candles, good wine, the smell of
freshly polished leather, whips, chains and shackles … Yumm yumm yumm … and
the evening is still young ;-)
Regards from the Netherlands
I basically refused to ever have sex to music ever again after a boyfriend put on Sham 69’s ‘I’m Going To Get My End Away’ the first time we had sex. Only the fact he had the most beautiful cock I’ve ever seen stopped me from smashing the CD player and emigrating in revenge. I’m still enraged by this nearly 20 years later in fact…
Moon Safari by Air is a popular choice for us. I was going to jokingly suggest the Benny Hill theme tune as a bad sex song but, on reflection, I now kind of want to give it a go.
Hell yeah bottles to the ground! I’m intrigued by the idea of ‘challenge’ sex tracks. Odd times signatures, sudden terrifying screams, twinkle schoolhouse music, that sort of thing. Being a metalhead my tolerance for such is quite high, you see…
Can’t beat the whole of Opeths ‘ghost reveries’ for most memorable and mood setting fuck album, all the way through to panting afterglow. Unfortunately if I ever play it whilst getting down with any other person, it’ll only leave them open to unfair comparison. Sigh.
“sudden terrifying screams”
=D
I hold you responsible for me snort-laughing as I read that in the pub. I like that challenge!
Such an unfairly restrictive set of rules! Once again Cannibal Corpse’s seminal masterpiece “Entrails ripped from a virgin’s cunt” is denied its place on the playlist.
Yep, that’s come up on the challenge list :-)
As a younger man, I used to actually stop what I was doing to get up and change the CD or record. Every one or two songs. I was such a dick, I’m amazed that any girl deigned to sleep with me more than once.
Hahaha oh Christ. I would have dumped you on the spot! Can i ask – for what possible reasons were you changing the CDs partway through?
Purely out of ‘oh my god you have to hear this’ geekiness, I think. I was not a cool person back then.
From now on, “Les Misérables” is part of my sex playlist.
maybe I’ll start fucking with “Ride of the Valkyries”….
I HAVE ACTUALLY FUCKED TO RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES. It was just as magnificent as it sounds.
From experience, I think anything which encourages the gentleman to thrust in rhythm with the music is very off-putting; though I did convulse with laughter when it happened to me, once.
For languid, ‘we’re taking it slow with lots of foreplay’ sex, I have happy memories of songs by Múm, an Icelandic band; it’s just lovely and soothing. This one holds a lot of nostalgia for me – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bp60sBir5sw
A former playmate had music playing one afternoon, I’m halfway to an amazing orgasm and ‘Shake Your Tailfeather’ by the Blues Brothers comes on…needless to say I dissolved into giggles, lost my orgasm and I’ve never been able to watch that movie again without thinking about that boy hehe
Nothing has ever beaten playing Ravel’s Bolero during a fuck – the build up was irresistible, and the orgasms rather delicious indeed.
xx Dee
Back in my Uni days I was seeing S; the walls were paper thin so I’d put my itunes playlist on shuffle. Having nearly a week’s worth of music I never heard anything twice (now it’s more like 10 days of music). S was a virgin until one evening, when ‘Closer’ by Nine Inch Nails came on. By the end of the song, she wasn’t any more.
One of my favourite songs for fucking too is “Cannibal Song” By Ministry. The bass line just oozes sex.
I really like music but most times I dislike having music on in the background because I find it very distracting: I get earworms easily, and if I like a song I can’t help but actively listen to it. “Wait, wait, wait! There’s a key change coming up!” Yeah, not so much. For me, it would have to be ambient.
I actually really like the song “Rape Me”, but it’s… fraught. I agree, don’t put it on the sex playlist.
Hadn’t heard of Múm, but that song is quite nice. I’ve always liked “Closer”. Had forgotten about “Cannibal Song”, but yeah, love the bass.
Phantom of the Opera overture.
No, the William Tell overture!
NO WAIT THE ORIGINAL POWER RANGERS THEME
Seriously loved this.
It’s unbelievably important to have loud noises in the bedroom for me too.
I am actually trying to start up a sex blog as well, if youre interested, please check it out! I have lots to share!
https://havesexwithme.wordpress.com/
My current favourite sex song is Physical (You’re So) by Adam Ant.
I recently got eaten out while sat on my kitchen counter to this version. Fuck. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hTLSBFVxNQ&list=RD6hTLSBFVxNQ
massive attack on high volume if your housemate is home is as neutral and inoffensive as it goes.
All the Rebirth of Cool compilations are pretty good. Death in Vegas’ Contino Sessions is nice & sleazy. First Velvet Underground album, that’s good in a sleazy way too. Otis Redding – awesome. Portishead. Tricky. Massive Attack, definitely. So much good stuff out there when you start to think about it. Enough to keep you happily bed-ridden for weeks at a time :D
Myself and my first gf had most of queen’s Hot Space album, particularly Get Down, Make Love. Oh and i will add a vote for Bolero.
my first time we were listening to slipknot – pulse of the maggots – thankfully we both were more engrossed with the activity, otherwise the mood could have died very quickly…
Not sure if anyone else has mentioned it but have you seen Charlie Brooker’s “Aural Contraceptive” playlist on Spotify? It’s literally a challenge sex playlist of awful tracks. 10/10 would recommend.
Ooh thanks – I’ll check it out!
I tend to be really attuned to sound, which with songs, manifests both as an ADD-ism and a trained-musician quirk. So mostly, putting music on is guaranteed to NOT get you shagged.
I once had an amazing hour of hot tub sex to Fiona Apple’s Tidal album though, and for some reason I’m not bothered/distracted by Fleetwood Mac.
Ooh that’s interesting! I can definitely see why music could be really offputting – for me I tend not to shag with music on, so perhaps that’s partly why when I do it gives me this interesting/different atmosphere. I might have to have a go to some Fleetwood Mac now…