This is a lovely post, thank you. It’s nice to read about the “amory” part of these situations (although of course the rolling about naked stuff is fun too).
Oh i really needed to read this right now! My heart has been broken in a similar situation. Love?! Pah! That wasn’t part of the deal, except when the ‘i don’t think we should hook up anymore’ text came, i felt physical pain in my chest! Me! Logical & rational – or so i thought. It really hurts.
A very good post. Acknowledging that there’s more to life than monogamy does take you into moderately uncharted territory, because we’re really only a generation and a half or so into recognising that it’s possible to negotiate non-exclusive relationships.
That means we are all likely to trip up, get our fingers burned, inadvertently cause others pain and generally fuck up in a dozen different directions.
Mind you, that’s exactly what the traditionally monogamous have been doing for centuries, as well. Being human is complicated, but it’s always worth giving new things a try to see where you end up.
I’m in a long (long) term relationship and had always just assumed that monogamy was right for me/us – until a little less than a year ago, when a blog post got me thinking. A few months later, I was confronted with the issue in a personal way and now I’m dipping a very cautious toe into non-monogamy. I haven’t had this specific experience, but I can empathize.
Even if you’ve got a good thing, the loss of something else still hurts. And that’s OK.
I remember a male friend who was desperately in love with one of my girlfriends at school. He poured his heart out to me because no matter what he did she wouldn’t talk to him or date him. Really sad and he was quite good looking. I’ve not seen someone in such a total anguish over another person who wanted nothing to do with him. I even spoke to her on his behalf and she just thought he was horrible, but could never explain why.
It truly was hopeless for him. So much heartache and so much hurt. I know yours was not quite the same sort of rejection, but the emotions appear to be similar.
Thanks so much for writing this. And thanks GOTN for continuing to post accounts like this of complex messy beautiful love. I wasnt allowing myself to feel properly when one relationship suddenly turned abusive, so it came out sideways in panic attacks…and yet my other partner stood by me like a trooper, and the gratitude and awe I feel doesnt fade nearly 4 years on. Its not wrong to feel stuff, just what you choose to do about it counts I guess; I’d always known that but still felt so guilty, that it was my fault. I wish I’d known it was OK to mourn. Your girlfriend sounds like a thoroughly good egg, and I’m sure you make sure she knows it.
Thanks so much for writing this. And thanks GOTN for continuing to post accounts like this of complex messy beautiful love. I wasnt allowing myself to feel properly when one relationship suddenly turned abusive, so it came out sideways in panic attacks…and yet my other partner stood by me like a trooper, and the gratitude and awe I feel doesnt fade nearly 4 years on. Its not wrong to feel stuff, just what you choose to do about it counts I guess; I’d always known that but still felt so guilty, that it was my fault. I wish I’d known it was OK to mourn. Your girlfriend sounds like a thoroughly good egg, and I’m sure you make sure she knows it.
I empathise, you’ve lost a possible future, that hurts. But you’ve talked about something we don’t often hear about the emotions, the relationships we build in poly life styles, it’s not just three ways and hook ups… although they are great. Thank you for bringing it forward in our thoughts in such a sympathetic and well written way.
Thank you for writing this, it’s very hard to articulate these kinds of feelings to the world when you aren’t really sure how they will be received or if you should even be having said feelings. I’ve had a similar experience in practicing non-monogamy without really knowing how to define it and only very cautiously wading into a new situation. And then really falling for and having an emotionally intense relationship with my ‘non-primary’ partner.
Sometimes even if you can’t call it a Relationship with a capital R, you still have to have a Breakup with a capital B, because that will be the only way forward and through those feelings. And my primary partner definitely saw me break down. I mean, come home and put my head in my hands and sob like a small child over someone who wasn’t him. And I felt horrible. And guilty. And many other things besides the heartbreak I was feeling. But it is really, really wonderful to know you can come through something like that with someone and understand each other a little better, communicate a lot stronger, and love even more when you feel a kind of gratitude you didn’t know you were capable of.
14 Comments
This is a lovely post, thank you. It’s nice to read about the “amory” part of these situations (although of course the rolling about naked stuff is fun too).
Oh i really needed to read this right now! My heart has been broken in a similar situation. Love?! Pah! That wasn’t part of the deal, except when the ‘i don’t think we should hook up anymore’ text came, i felt physical pain in my chest! Me! Logical & rational – or so i thought. It really hurts.
I tried to write a couple of different replies but everything seemed trite. I know what that feels like. It sucks. You’ll be OK.
A very good post. Acknowledging that there’s more to life than monogamy does take you into moderately uncharted territory, because we’re really only a generation and a half or so into recognising that it’s possible to negotiate non-exclusive relationships.
That means we are all likely to trip up, get our fingers burned, inadvertently cause others pain and generally fuck up in a dozen different directions.
Mind you, that’s exactly what the traditionally monogamous have been doing for centuries, as well. Being human is complicated, but it’s always worth giving new things a try to see where you end up.
I don’t know anything about poly but now I know something.
Please write more.
My breath hitched with “It’s OK to mourn for something that never was.”
Oh goodness, thank you
I’m in a long (long) term relationship and had always just assumed that monogamy was right for me/us – until a little less than a year ago, when a blog post got me thinking. A few months later, I was confronted with the issue in a personal way and now I’m dipping a very cautious toe into non-monogamy. I haven’t had this specific experience, but I can empathize.
Even if you’ve got a good thing, the loss of something else still hurts. And that’s OK.
I remember a male friend who was desperately in love with one of my girlfriends at school. He poured his heart out to me because no matter what he did she wouldn’t talk to him or date him. Really sad and he was quite good looking. I’ve not seen someone in such a total anguish over another person who wanted nothing to do with him. I even spoke to her on his behalf and she just thought he was horrible, but could never explain why.
It truly was hopeless for him. So much heartache and so much hurt. I know yours was not quite the same sort of rejection, but the emotions appear to be similar.
Thanks so much for writing this. And thanks GOTN for continuing to post accounts like this of complex messy beautiful love. I wasnt allowing myself to feel properly when one relationship suddenly turned abusive, so it came out sideways in panic attacks…and yet my other partner stood by me like a trooper, and the gratitude and awe I feel doesnt fade nearly 4 years on. Its not wrong to feel stuff, just what you choose to do about it counts I guess; I’d always known that but still felt so guilty, that it was my fault. I wish I’d known it was OK to mourn. Your girlfriend sounds like a thoroughly good egg, and I’m sure you make sure she knows it.
See is a most excellent egg
Thanks so much for writing this. And thanks GOTN for continuing to post accounts like this of complex messy beautiful love. I wasnt allowing myself to feel properly when one relationship suddenly turned abusive, so it came out sideways in panic attacks…and yet my other partner stood by me like a trooper, and the gratitude and awe I feel doesnt fade nearly 4 years on. Its not wrong to feel stuff, just what you choose to do about it counts I guess; I’d always known that but still felt so guilty, that it was my fault. I wish I’d known it was OK to mourn. Your girlfriend sounds like a thoroughly good egg, and I’m sure you make sure she knows it.
I empathise, you’ve lost a possible future, that hurts. But you’ve talked about something we don’t often hear about the emotions, the relationships we build in poly life styles, it’s not just three ways and hook ups… although they are great. Thank you for bringing it forward in our thoughts in such a sympathetic and well written way.
Thank you for writing this, it’s very hard to articulate these kinds of feelings to the world when you aren’t really sure how they will be received or if you should even be having said feelings. I’ve had a similar experience in practicing non-monogamy without really knowing how to define it and only very cautiously wading into a new situation. And then really falling for and having an emotionally intense relationship with my ‘non-primary’ partner.
Sometimes even if you can’t call it a Relationship with a capital R, you still have to have a Breakup with a capital B, because that will be the only way forward and through those feelings. And my primary partner definitely saw me break down. I mean, come home and put my head in my hands and sob like a small child over someone who wasn’t him. And I felt horrible. And guilty. And many other things besides the heartbreak I was feeling. But it is really, really wonderful to know you can come through something like that with someone and understand each other a little better, communicate a lot stronger, and love even more when you feel a kind of gratitude you didn’t know you were capable of.
I’ve just come back to re read this post and found your comment. Thank you for the words and the Capital Letters, that’s very helpful