Guys guys guys guys guys you’ll never guess what, right? Real women have curves.
They do, you know. They have curves and faces and they are three-dimensional.
According to some magazines, they also have a ‘pre-sex ritual.’
Real women. REAL women. It is very important that you know this, for some reason. VERY IMPORTANT INDEED. For you must be able to identify the Real Women from the Women Who We Have Decided For Some Reason Are Not Real.
Real women shave their bikini lines, and simultaneously do not shave their bikini lines, like Schroedinger’s muff.
Real women eat brownies and are also ‘gluten-free’ and they shop in the sales and they laugh at crap telly.
Reel women like fish.
Real women have lipstick smears on their teeth and are half-cut on Christmas brandy that they found in the back of their Mum’s cupboard when they were visiting home for Christmas.
Real women don’t care if they have boyfriends.
Real women are married and will have children because that is the law.
Real women are composed entirely of dust, electrified into motion in a vaguely corporeal shape.
Real women hide their tentacles from strangers, for modesty.
Réal women like football.
Real women fly, but only at heights below 1000 feet, and only if they feel like it and they aren’t busy watching Bargain Hunt.
Real women prefer Cadbury’s Roses to crappy Nestle Quality Street and we will fight you for the caramel barrels.
Real women are solid at room temperature, but liquefy at 38 degrees centigrade, which is why we have separate saunas at the gym.
Real women – the ones who have curves – can tell you the exact equation of any given curve should you wish to reproduce it on a graph.
We are not like those Other Women. Those Women Who Do Not Do Or Look The Same As Us. Make no mistake, these are impostors. Women without curves, who have no pre-sex beauty ritual or who are formed of sticklebricks and glue. Sneaky, devious fakes, they will sidle up to you and whisper sweet nothings into your ears, tickling you with their hands-that-aren’t-tentacles and fluttering eyelashes that remain suspiciously solid even at high temperature. These women may take gaseous form. They may be formed of metal, or be purely theoretical, or indeed come to you only as a soundwave – a piercing shriek of unreality penetrating your brain at night.
However they come, though, know that they will. They will come for you: these unreal women. These Women Who Are Not Like Us.
You must learn the formula. Know what is and isn’t real. For if you do not then these Other Women will come for you at night, and they will bundle you into the back of their starships and take you away from this place.
Your only safety is with us. We Real Women, Who Exist In Three Dimensions. We Women Who Are What You’d Expect. We Women Who Do What We’re Told.
For those of you joining us from reddit, please note this article is a joke. There is no such thing as an ‘unreal woman’ – all women are real. And we’re coming to get you. Mwa ha ha.
30 Comments
“Real women shave their bikini lines, and simultaneously do not shave their bikini lines, like Schroedinger’s muff.”
Until real men come along & induce wave function collapse.
Because *all* real men love to watch.
still laughing! well put rare deeds! TY
I can’t comment. I’m laughing too much!
Love it. You’re just too fabulous at times!
Love the sticklebricks. So many people go “huh? What’s that?” when I mention sticklebricks, so huzzah!
Though it did take a slightly different flavour when I mis-read this sentence: “Real women hide their tentacles from strangers, for modesty” as saying “testicles”!
*standing ovation*
I just let my tentacles flop out. They get very uncomfortable otherwise.
Oh, and, I can’t make the next meeting by the way; I’m washing a period stain out of the sofa.
Oh dear. I don’t think I’ve got enough curves, but I do come – and not just at night!
Heh. This reminded me of the style of the-toast.net (that’s a good thing!).
(e.g. this article: http://the-toast.net/2014/12/18/next-waves-feminism/ )
Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango.
Real women are really lovely we all know that specially men know that fact very well but some times real girls who have curves hard to get. So sometimes a love doll can be perfect for this kind of things.
This is pure genius love it . Laughing lots
As ever, a great read so sorry to be anal but the article has a broken link…..should point to this Twitter feed: https://twitter.com/marieclaire/status/672958573178191872
or you can go direct to the Marie Claire article here:
http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/features/a16107/women-beauty-routine-before-sex/
Steve
Thanks!
It’s odd the way that small (but ultimately harmful) trends like the genderized use of the word ‘real’ or the ‘beach ready’ advert are seized upon by left-leaning, post-every-piece-of-shit-thing-the-daily-mail-has-ever-published, insular twitterers; whereas much more obviously harmful things like gender-segregation at Labour conferences are never mentioned at all. Almost as if its being completely ignored by certain people, lest their delicately cultivated sensibilities and echo-chamber twitter-politics are ever challenged.
Labour conferences aren’t gender segregated. I’m only ignoring that issue in the same way as I’m ignoring the dragon that lives in my kettle.
Yeah, apart from the ones that are.
http://blogs.new.spectator.co.uk/2015/05/labour-should-be-embarrassed-about-holding-a-sex-segregated-rally/
See below.
Oh sorry, I’m being blocked from commenting as soon as I raise something vaguely uncomfortable. Great stuff GOTN.
Oh, actually it was the link that triggered moderation
Sorry GOTN!
1. Yep, all links go into pre-mod to help stop spam. But kudos on leaping so swiftly to the assumption that I’m a prick. I think you have a new record.
2. That was not a Labour conference, it was a small rally held in Birmingham.
3. Nor was it ‘gender segregated’ – men and women were both in attendance.
4. What I think you’re referring to is that men and women sat on different sides of the room. A quick google around this brings up this: http://www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/midlands-news/labour-defends-election-rally-men-9180321 No one was excluded from the event, in fact the aim of the game was to make it more *inclusive.*
“Labour MPs and candidates have previously turned down requests to speak at events due to be attended by a largely Muslim audience because only men were invited – but they supported this rally after a female Muslim councillor ensured women were able to attend, the source said.”
Magnificent!
I love you :)
Laughing too much to comment further!
So does that mean you’re a figment of my imagination? I’m confused.
No, really, spot on. It’s time that “real” got real… Oh bollocks, now I’m at it.
Real tossers use the word real to describe everything really…
Stop it!
Great post as always. I was having real laughs as I really read it.
(the real) KW
got to remember not to be a Bot or a tentacle or a tigger too much
Of your initial examples, one of them – the one that’s a conscious pushback against societal body-shaming and thin privilege rather than just marketer manipulation – is not like the others. >.>
That example is so often seen as a ‘good’ use of ‘real women’, but like the others, it’s not.
Real women are files in .rm format and can’t be played via WMP or iTunes.
Love it! Especially “Schroedinger’s muff” :-)
STICKLEBRICKS
Had me crying at “Schroedinger’s muff”, it conjures up so many images in my head I might have to Google them to see which ones are “real”.