Girl on the Net

This post’s going to talk about control, BDSM, intense beatings, and a few things that my partner and I have discussed and negotiated in a lot of detail. It’s erotic fantasy in a role-play context: it is not a guide for life.  

Reward fucking: the act of getting exactly what I want because I’m a really good girl. Punishment fucking: the act of getting what I want by doing something that he – in turn – pretends to think is bad.

I like being fucked as reward and punishment because I like the act of letting go. I want my actions to be corrected and controlled. I want to abdicate responsibility for trivial decisions. The questions posed by choosing this or that course of action melt away if there’s someone to tell me: do that and I’ll beat you. Do this and I’ll reward you.

Nothing serious, of course. Mundane, day-to-day things. Should I wear the red top or the black? Should I paint my toenails, dye my hair, or pop to the shops for milk? I want to be told.

And then I want some fucking consequences.

We could have sex just because we’re both horny, but where’s the fun in that? Today I want the sex itself to be a trick or a treat – meted out according to how he feels about me at the time.

I want to be fucked for a reason. I want an excuse to bend over the arm of the sofa and have him lay into me with a leather belt. I don’t want to ask him to fuck me – I want to incite him to do it. Compel rather than persuade him to pull my jeans down, hold the crotch of my knickers to one side, then shove his dick into me while crooning that I’m a ‘fucking good girl.’

I’m not bad at asking for sex, but I am sometimes bad at asking for sex the way I want it. Because most of what I want requires someone else to take control. Yeah, I can say ‘I want you to beat me’ but if I’ve done nothing wrong there’s less impetus. Sometimes part of the fantasy requires me doing something deliberately provocative. It requires a hint of angry punishment behind each hard, flat smack with his hand on my bum.

I want to be spanked for a reason other than ‘I quite fancied spanking you.’ Fingered because he wants to torture me with that almost-there feeling, as penance for something I’ve done. Smacked once – hard – around the face because I forgot to ask his permission before squeezing his dick with my hand.

Sometimes he gives me orders while we’re fucking.

Hold still.

Squeeze tighter.

Sssh.

I enjoy letting go of control. I like that sometimes, when we’re fucking, he’ll offer a “hold still, just like that, and if I can’t come I’m going to beat you.” I like briar-patch threats that offer acres of promise: “if you don’t squeeze tighter it’s going in your ass.”

That sentence makes me wet just writing it. But that sentence can only work because we both know that punishment fucking and reward fucking are misnomers. It’s a reward/reward system: he wouldn’t threaten it if I didn’t like it, and I wouldn’t like it if he hadn’t dressed it up to sound at least a little like a threat.

And I dip in and out of this in phases. Sometimes I like the casual way I can ask for a quick fuck and get one. Other times I need to feel like I’m not asking: I’m being told.

Along with needing punishments and rewards, I also need permission: an order that sanctions the act of letting go.