Girl on the Net

Remember a few months ago when I turned my Fleshlight Launch into a spunk-milking machine? Well, I decided I needed a new project, so I got stuck in to some more kinky DIY: turning my coffee table into a customised spanking bench. I’ve wanted something like this for a while, but buying nice, heavy, padded furniture to get thoroughly fucked on can seriously bugger your wallet. A proper bondage horse can set you back over $1,000 (about £740) and even just a flat, padded BDSM board that you could put on a table somewhere costs nearly $300 (£220) So I wanted to see if I could do it cheaper myself.

The brief: create something padded and comfortable that I can be bent over and strapped to while my partner beats me with a belt, or fucks me dismissively like he’s wanking. Important criteria:

• the spanking bench must be wipe-clean (so it doesn’t get covered in jizz within five minutes)
• it must be reasonably easy to hide when people who don’t want to know about my sex life visit and
• it must cost less than £100 because I am a cheapskate

Is it possible to make this sexy, sexy dream a reality? Let’s find out.

What you need to make your kinky DIY spanking bench

First, you’re going to need a coffee table. Here’s one I made earlier.

If you don’t have a coffee table that you made earlier, you can use a coffee table someone else has made. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life, but to be honest I think Ikea coffee tables are rubbish because they’re really light and flimsy: if you want something cheap and sturdy check out your nearest charity shop that sells furniture – British Heart Foundation have a fair few – or head over to Gumtree where you might even pick one up for free.

But if all you’ve got is an Ikea coffee table, that’ll still probably work: it starts off light and flimsy but we’re going to deliberately make our kinky DIY table top quite heavy to add heft. This is partly because hefty sex furniture is very much My Cup Of Tea. It’s also because, as you can see above, my own coffee table is on castors so I need the table top to be weighty enough that it doesn’t slide all over the place while I’m getting vigorously fucked.

As well as your coffee table, you will also need:

Materials

• Some long, thick batons of wood (mine’s about 40mm by 60mm – you might want to use narrower wood if you want a shallower end product – I made mine with the rough dimensions of the gap under my sofa in mind, so I can slide it under the sofa for quick access when I fancy a tied-up shag)
• A large sheet of plywood (thicker the better in my opinion, mine was 18mm thick, but see above re: the gap under your sofa or wherever you’re going to store it)
• Beading that matches (or roughly matches) the thickness of your plywood (so 18mm thick too)
• Wood filler
• Memory foam (mine was about 30mm thick but you can go thicker or thinner if you like)
• Whatever fabric you want to use to cover your bench (more on this later)
• Metal screw plates for strength
• Lashing rings
• Wood screws (cheap chipboard screws are fine)
• Nails
• Wood glue
• Upholstery pins
• A selection of interesting swear words to use throughout the project

Total cost of materials: about £55. I already had screws, nails, wood glue, beading offcuts etc, so it was just the wood, memory foam, fabric, lashing rings and upholstery pins that I actually needed to buy. I think my memory foam cost just over £20, and the wood I got from my local hardware shop. I’ve linked to Amazon and Homebase so you can see what I mean for each thing, although I find it’s cheaper to get DIY stuff from an actual shop if you can, because you can haggle for offcuts if they have what you need.

Tools

• A drill
• A saw (ideally a mitre saw but you can do it with a hand saw if you need to)
• A jigsaw (again, you can do it with a hand saw if you need to)
• A hammer
• Sandpaper (or a mouse sander is easier – mine broke halfway through because mouse sanders have it in for me)
• A staple gun
• Tape measure

Kinky DIY spanking bench: the method

Step 1: Choose how many fucks to give about your project

Before you begin – and this goes for any DIY project, not just kinky DIY – you must decide exactly how many fucks you give about the finished product. Are you a ‘9 out of 10 fucks given’ kind of person, where you want something that is almost flawless in its beauty and perfection? Or are you a ‘2 out of 10 fucks given’ person, where you’re happy with something that looks like a drunk child made it but Does The Job It’s Made For?

Pick your level of fuck-giving, because this will be important. There’s no need to break your neck making every single thing perfect if when it’s finished all you want it for is casual fun. If, on the other hand, you plan to display it in a museum or sell it on Etsy, take a bit more care over the details than I did. I am about a ‘6-out-of-10 fucks given’ kind of person, in that my pleasure comes mostly from making the thing, and having a reasonably OK-looking but very functional spanking bench at the end of it.

Step 2: Make your table frame

Measure your coffee table, so you know how big your frame should be. You want to leave a little bit of extra space between the table and the frame, so you can have soft material in the corners of the inside of the frame: this means you’ll be able to slide the frame over your coffee table nice and tight – to stop it from wobbling while you’re getting fucked – but without the wood of the frame scratching the table itself.

So if your coffee table is 1000mm by 500mm, the inside frame measurement should be about 10mm extra on each dimension: 1010mm by 510mm.

Cut your heavy wood batons at a 45 degree angle, with the inside measurement of the wood matching the measurement for the inside of your frame. Place them all together in your work space to make sure they form a rectangle – check that your corners come to a perfect 90 degree angle with a set square if you’re fancy.

If you’re like me, though, just eyeball it and say ‘That’ll do! Now where’s my motherfucking coffee?’

Basically a rectangle don’t look too closely

When your angles are about right, glue the edges together with wood glue and secure them with the metal batons (just do this as you normally would – mark holes, drill pilot holes, screw in screws). I did experiment with other ways of jointing this wood but I’m not that great at joints yet (I’m still new to this, don’t judge) and I figured no one’s going to see it when it’s covered in memory foam.

Also, you know, by this point I was excited about getting shagged so every minute spent pissing around with dovetail joints is a minute that can’t be spent banging. So metal plates it was…

A teeny tiny metal plate that no one will see because it’ll be covered in fabric and stuff.

Step 3: Secure your plywood top

This is the bit that’s going to make the whole thing more rigid. Cut your plywood to size, and screw it to the table top. Now: if you have a piece of plywood that’s bigger than your frame, you can save yourself a world of hassle and skip the next two steps: just cut the plywood to the same size as your frame, screw it on (with the screws as far from the outside edge as possible – near the inside of the frame) and then sand the plywood edges to a beautiful curve so it isn’t square and sharp.

If, like me, you walked into the DIY shop and spotted the opportunity for a bargain, picked up an offcut that turned out to be ever-so-slightly smaller than the actual fucking thing you were making, you’ll have a bit more pissing about to do.

Screw your slightly-too-small plywood to the frame…

Corner of spanking bench top with countersunk screws and dodgy angles

Full table top as it looks before beading

…then grab your quarter-dowel/beading and cut it so that you have 4 pieces which fit along each length of the frame to give it a curved edge.

Beading makes everything look neater. Kind of.

Nail these on.

Looks a bit shit but we’ll get there, don’t worry!

Hit yourself with hammer by accident causing weird tiny blood blister that doesn’t seem to go away. You can skip this step if you like – I wish I had.

It’s been here over a week now. Maybe I could say it’s a teeny tattoo?

Step 4: Smooth sharp edges

Now you want to get a bit ‘princess and the pea’ about this project. If you’re the one who’s going to be strapped to the spanking bench and whipped until you make happy noises, it’s your comfort that matters. So place the memory foam over your table top and bend over it as if you’re about to get banged, then see if you can feel any lumps/bumps/sharp edges/gaps in the woodwork through the foam.

When you’ve identified the bumpy/uncomfortable bits, fill any gaps with wood filler …

Wood filler looks a fucking mess to start with but it’ll get better, I promise!

Spiky and ugly but ready to sand

Then sand it all down to a nice, curved, smooth finish.

Already it looks much better

Realise part-way through that actually this is really lovely and probably a better way of doing it than your original plan anyway.

Celebrate with a margarita.

Sand again.

So smooth now. Don’t you just want to LICK IT?

Have a break while you feast your eyes upon your beautiful work.

Step 5: Cover with memory foam

If you’re a serious masochist, you might want to skip this step. To be honest if you prefer the sensation of solid wood against your skin and you want true discomfort to go along with the pain of being spanked, you can skip the next couple of steps entirely and go straight to attaching your lashing rings.

But if, like me, you are a precious princess who requires absolute comfort while she’s being railed like the last woman on Earth, you need to make your table a lot softer.

Grab the memory foam, the staple gun, and all the swearwords you know. I’m a fan of ‘fuckarse’ ‘shit’ and ‘pisstits’ but use whatever’s to hand.

Kinky DIY table top sitting on hateful horrible memory foam

Essentially all you need to do is stretch the memory foam over the plywood top, then staple it to the underside of the frame. But in practice you’re going to go on a journey of misery and woe, as you battle seemingly endlessly with the fact that a staple gun is a ridiculously inefficient way to secure memory foam to ANYTHING and for every staple you actually get in there are twelve more of the fuckers lying bent and broken on your carpet. Fuck staples. Fuck them all.

You can adjust the pressure and depth of most staple guns which should make this a little easier: have a play with yours if it’s being as irritating as mine was. But to be honest I tried every trick in the book and it still wouldn’t work efficiently. They say a bad workman blames their tools but I’ve never even met a good workman who doesn’t, so whoever says this can get all the way to fuck and stay there.

Memory foam ham-fistedly stapled to the frame of the spanking bench

Staple all the memory foam to the frame, being sure to leave a fairly wide gap on the frame itself for you to secure your lashing rings to your mount points. Trim off the excess memory foam with a craft knife or scissors.

Vaguely neat memory foam stapled all the way around table top

Yeah, the staples look shit don’t they? Hammer in any that don’t seem fully submerged, and don’t sweat it too much – for ‘6 out of 10 fucks’ we’ll have time to cover these spiky pricks up later.

Step 6: Cover with wipe-clean fabric

Tactile sensation is so important and personal when you’re getting your dirty fuck on, so choose whatever you prefer for this. I personally hate the sensation of leather on my skin and it freaks me out, so I’d initially planned on using the Greatest Sex Fabric In The Whole World: aka Sheets of San Francisco. However, even though the owner of the company said I could probably use it for upholstery, I was a bit nervous to go cutting up my valuable and much-beloved Sheets of San Francisco throw in order to build a spanking bench that I only gave 6 out of 10 fucks about.

So instead I went to the fabric shop and bought a metre and a half of soft, wipe-clean faux leather that actually feels reasonably nice. You could pick something more PVC-y if that’s your thing, or leathery, or velvety, or even possibly latex-y if you can get it to staple to wood without ripping: you do you. But if you like soft fabric rather than easy-to-wipe PVC or plastic, you might want to spray it with a stainproofing spray so it’s easier to clean off the jizz. You might want it to be stained with jizz, though, in which case good for you, you go for it.

When you’ve got your fabric, it’s time to pull out your trusty, horrible, pain-in-the-arse staple gun again, and ideally enlist the help of a patient friend to pull the fabric tight while you staple it.

Measuring fabric so there’s enough space to add lashing rings to mount points

Cut your fabric to roughly the right size (leaving enough gap on the frame to secure your lashing rings (see above), pull as tight as you can over the frame and the memory foam, and then staple it just beyond the foam, on the underside of the frame.

Horrible shitty staples securing fabric to frame

Fold the corners as neatly as you can (it’s difficult though so I don’t blame you if you decide to give fewer fucks at this point) and make sure you bring the long tails of the corners down into the inside of the frame – this gives you a soft buffer inside the kinky DIY table top, and stops your actual coffee table getting scratched.

Corner detail of fabric cover

Corner detail of the fabric cover as it will be seen from above – not bad, right?

Step 7: Add your mount points

This is the most important step, because this is what turns it from ‘just a bench’ into ‘kinky DIY spanking bench that you can also use for aggressive fucking.’ In order to decide where to put my mount points, I bent over the bench and my partner went round marking off good places to secure my wrists and waist. Then we sat down with a sketch pad and a bunch of margaritas and drew stick-figures getting fucked in various positions, tied in various different ways.

Now thoroughly drunk, we threw out all our plans and just decided to use every single lashing ring we had, evenly spaced across the frame, because fuck it you only live once.

Eight mount points in total – 3 on each side and one each at top and bottom

Mark off where they’re going, drill pilot holes, screw in: making sure they don’t overlap into the centre of the frame because if they do you won’t fit it over the coffee table and you’ll have to start again. By this point if you’re like me you’re probably very keen to get fucked on it, so starting again is right out.

Marking the frame for pilot holes

Step 8: Make it safe and pretty

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not finish a shag and discover that my thighs are filled with staples. I’m not judging you if that’s your kink, it just isn’t one of mine. And seeing as I didn’t trust my staple gun as far as I could hurl it while screaming ‘fuck you, you useless piece of shit’, I thought I’d better do something to cover the spiky stapling that had until this point brought me no end of woe. So I cut some thin (about 15-20mm) strips from the leftover fabric, then used upholstery pins to pin it in place.

Upholstery pins to cover your sins

This simultaneously hides the ugly staples from view and also makes it less likely that one will wriggle out and stab you in the soft bits. #SafetyFirst

Space the upholstery pins about an inch or so apart, and if you’re giving 8 or 9 fucks about this project you’ll probably want to measure that exactly and/or create a template so you can nail them in neatly. As a 6-out-of-10 person I just went for it by eyeballing the distance and smashing pins in with a big hammer. My result is quite wonky-looking because I was having so much fun with my hammer that I ended up doing extra pins at the corners. As you can see, it would have looked better if I’d just done fewer pins like I did with the short sides, but who gives a fuck? I was enjoying myself.

Got a bit overexcited with my upholstery pins

Step 9: Get banged

Congratulations! You have created your very own kinky DIY table top, which you can slide neatly over the top of your coffee table when you feel horny, get strapped to by a willing friend, beaten, and then fucked. You can use any or all of your mount points for bondage – either pulling rope through the rings or clipping cuffs and chains to them with carabiners.

To show you exactly where the mount points are, I attached some ropes and cuffs in the pictures below. I would take a picture of me tied to it, for scale, but

a) I’m quite shy

b) there’s no one else in the house right now to take the picture and

c) if you want to see women tied to spanking benches there are plenty of places on the internet where you can go for that kind of thing.

So there you have it: a kinky DIY spanking bench/fuck bench/bondage horse that cost me less than £70 in total (ignoring the cost of the coffee table but that only cost me about £30 because I made that out of offcuts of scaffold board). It’s solid, wipe-clean, and fits neatly under my sofa.

I’ll tell you the super-sexy details about the first time we used it in a later blog post, but for now I’ll just give you an idea of a few different ideas for how to use it:

Suggestions for using your kinky DIY spanking bench

1. Bend over one end of it with your knees on the floor, stretch your wrists far out in front of you and secure to the far end mount point. Get a sexy person to strap you tight to the table at the mount point nearest your waist. Tight and sexy. Mmmm.
2. Lie on your back on top of the table with your hands over your head and wrists secured to the end mount point. Get sexy person to tie the tops of your thighs with rope, spread ’em, and secure to side mount points while they beat you/eat you out/wank you off vigorously with a Zumio or a Doxy 3.
3. Get two sexy people, bend them both over one of the long sides of the bench, secure each of them using rope to the side mount points, fuck them really slowly in turns while they whimper ‘more please harder argh please more my turn my turn.’
4. Anything else you like. The only limits are your own imaginations, your rope-related skills, the laws of physics, and whether your coffee table collapses partway through.

For extra bonus points, buy yourself lots of carabiners because then you can clip someone’s rope/cuffs/chain etc easily to the mount points, and have quick-release and quick-change options when you decide you want another position or you get bored of all the hot sex and want to go to the pub.

Happy woodworking, kinksters!

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