Girl on the Net

We’ve all heard that old saying “Don’t have anything in your home that you don’t know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.” Happily, when it comes to dildos, you don’t need to choose between practicality and prettiness: you can have both. In which case… how do you choose the best dildo to add to your collection?

This was the dilemma that I was faced with when my lovely sponsors – Peepshow Toys – offered me the chance to try out a few Uberrime dildos.

First I’m going to need you to go take a look at them. Look! Beautiful, colourful, glorious dildos that come in a variety of interesting textures, shapes and sizes. As I’m not normally a toy reviewer, I don’t have a massive collection: just a few key favourites that I swap in and out of my wanking schedule depending on my mood. In the past, I’ve bought dildos based mostly on material: I had a silicone one, then added a glass one, then a ceramic one, etcetera. But all these Uberrime dildos are made of silicone – my favourite ‘all round’ material – so the criteria for picking becomes not about material but all the other smaller differences: size, shape, texture, colour, and which of your specific ‘kink’ buttons that dildo happens to press.

There are loads of dildo guides out there that’ll tell you to check measurements, colour options, and curve, so I figured instead I’d talk you through how I choose the best dildos based on the deviant sexy thoughts they happen to spark in my head.

Ready? Let’s go.

Dildo 1: The Night King

Uberrime Night King Dildo

I’ll be honest, I chose this one because … it was the biggest. That’s it: that was my entire criteria. I am not particularly fussed when it comes to dick size usually, but recently I’ve been talking a lot to a guy I know about the delight of massive cocks, and these chats have blossomed into what I can only describe as a potentially fun little kink.

It’s no accident that so much mainstream porn features huge dicks: it’s not just about the pure size of the meat, it’s about the joy of watching someone’s eyes widen just a little more than they usually would when faced with an intimidating task. Fucking is ‘walk in the park’ kind of fun, fucking a huge dick is more the ‘climbing Mount Snowden’ kind of fun. They both have their own challenges, and their own rewards. So although the idea that dicks must be huge in order to be satisfying is one I utterly reject (and girthy cocks have their down sides – especially when it comes to anal), I can’t deny that there’s something intensely hot about the idea of getting fucked by something gargantuan.

I chose this one because I wanted to feel that gasping, wincing, delightful ache of being fully stretched out and pounded by something which makes my eyes water. I am not alone in thinking this: I know many other people who will fetishise the pleasure/pain challenge of taking a massive cock, just as I know others who like watching people get fucked with giant cocks, because they like seeing that ‘oh!’ of surprise in the eyes of the person on the receiving end. What’s more I like the idea of my partner dominating me by ordering me to take it, and I adore the idea of him praising me for being a really really good girl if I manage to take the whole thing with no more than a few squeaks as it first goes in.

So my first choice, without any deliberation or question, was the Night King: 9 inches of gorgeous, intimidating, satisfying, challenging silicone. So much cock that I’m torn between getting fucked with it and beaten by it.

Dildo 2: Helios Sun God

Uberrime Helios Sun God dildo

If you have a vagina, I hope you’ll understand what I’m talking about here. If you don’t have a vagina, but you regularly fuck people who have them, then perhaps this excessively detailed description can give you something to ask your partner(s) about, to see if they experience the same thing and might enjoy what I’m about to describe.

When I orgasm with a cock inside me, it is a different experience to coming with an empty cunt. With a thick cock in me, there’s an important stage of pleasure, just before the moment I come, where I wonder if my cunt will be able to clench tight enough to drive me over the orgasmic edge. Imagine you’re using your strength to try and push something heavy over a hill: you’re pushing with all your might, straining your muscles to their limit, and you’re not yet sure if your efforts will reward you by shifting it that crucial final centimetre to tip it over the edge. There’s that tiny moment where your brain says ‘this isn’t going to happen.’

When I have a thick cock – or a thick dildo – inside me, and I’m approaching the point of orgasm, there’s always a similar moment when my brain tells me ‘this won’t work.’ I realise my cunt can’t clench tight enough to push the first wave of an orgasm through my body, because there’s a thick, solid obstruction in the way. If I just squeezed harder, contracting myself by an extra millimetre, I’d manage to make it to the climax, but the cock I’m clamped round is simply too solid to allow me to do that. After a brief panic that I won’t be able to come, eventually the unstoppable force of my own orgasmic clenching wins the battle against the immovable object inside me, the spasms begin and the pleasure starts to roll and the resulting joy is a qualitatively different rush than an orgasm without that initial resistance.

That’s why I picked this one.

I could have just said ‘it’s thick’, of course, but ‘thick’ doesn’t quite do the job. I hate the way that praise for thick cock is so easily spun into hatred of thinner cock. Not all dicks have to be thick to give good orgasms: there are many, many ways to achieve a satisfying splash. But if I never described the different sensations that can be teased out of me with different shapes and sizes, then we’d still be stuck in a weird binary of ‘big dick good, small dick bad.’ Different dick is good, because it lets me try out all the different ways to enjoy it. And that’s why dildos rock.

Funnily enough, although I occasionally get sad comments if I express satisfaction at a particularly thick cock, few tend to get frustrated at the same praise for texture. But that’s another thing this dildo has – swirling ridges which spiral all the way up the dick from the base to just below the smooth tip. The kind of texture ribbed condoms aspire to only in their most ambitious dreams. Texture that means the entrance to my cunt is never sidelined or forgotten in the excitement about girth and length. Texture that won’t just give me an ‘extra’ thrill, it will be pretty much all I can think about until that first spasm that means my cunt’s trying to come.

Helios Sun God: the best dildo for people who want to do Greek God-based role play.

Dildo 3: Splendid Gentleman

Uberrime Splendid Gentleman dildo

The third one I picked not because of its name (although ‘splendid gentleman’ does make me imagine it attached to the top of a cane carried by a dapper 1920s dude, giving saucy demonstrations to society ladies who are curious about his splendid accessory) but because it’s a dual-density dildo, and I am a sucker for texture and squish. Dual-density essentially means that it has a solid inner core made of harder silicone, then a softer exterior to finish off the toy. You can feel the core when you squeeze it tightly in your fist – much like with a real cock that’s swiftly growing from being flaccid to erect, where you can feel the solid inner part begin to fill with blood.

That in itself is pretty cool, and it’s the primary reason I picked this: it fits in beautifully with my love of squeezing and sucking guys from flaccid to erect, and the delight of taking something in hand and being able to sense every atom that runs through it. Couple that with the fact that this dildo also has a really nice curve – upwards towards the g-spot or p-spot – and you can safely consider me in love.

I also had a feeling that dildos 1 and 2 (the Night King and the Helios) would both be intense enough that I might need to save them as special treats, lest I spoil myself with the constant delight of their powers. And although you’d have to go quite far out on a limb to label me ‘professional’, I was at least vaguely aware that as a professional blogger I should cover all my bases, so I wanted to see what one of their ‘everyday’ dildos would be like.

Splendid Gentleman: the best dildo for people who are splendid, but not necessarily gentlemen.

How do you choose the best dildo?

Personally I think dildos are like life partners: the idea that somewhere in this world there’s ‘The One’ that is right for you is a total myth. There is always more than one ‘The One’, because just as different people will press your buttons for different reasons, so different dildos will also pique your interest depending on your mood and kinks at the time.

One of the things I like most about dildos is that they are easy to choose – as long as the material is body-safe (and everything at Peepshow Toys is body safe) then the only thing that comes into play is your own personal taste and desire. Mine are chosen to fulfil specific kinks, based on things that are piquing my interest at the moment, with a slight emphasis on features that I know have done good things for me in the past such as girth, squishiness, etc. And the Uberrime brand is a really good place to start, because not only do they make all their toys from high quality silicone, they also have a good enough range that they’ve managed to create dildos that hit some of my squirmiest, sexiest kinks as well as offering solid all-round everyday dildos like the splendidly-named Splendid Gentleman.

So if you’re asking which is the best dildo for you, the most helpful advice I can give you is to have a long, hard think about the kind of things that matter to you in a cock (whether flesh or toy): squishiness, texture, visual beauty, length, girth, etcetera, and then buy a dildo that ticks a few of these boxes. Chances are, once you’ve enjoyed one, you’ll find other dildos that tick similar or different boxes, and you can start building a collection that will keep you happy for as long as you have space in your bedside drawer.

More importantly though, if you’re asking how to decide on the ‘best’ dildo purely because you’d like to read a long, detailed sex story about dildos, featuring hand-fucking, strap-on play and dirty talk, headlined simply ‘Massive Dildo Orgy’, then subscribe for updates and meet me back here same time next week. I did it last week and it was So. Much. Fun.

UPDATE: Massive Dildo Orgy is now live, and even features audio porn of the whole ‘getting fucked by 4 cocks’ experience. Get stuck in! 

These dildos were provided to me for free by Peepshow Toys. If you’d like to buy any of these (or any of their other toys, in fact!), head to their website and use the code GOTN10 to get 10% off.