Girl on the Net

Please welcome back sex toy correspondent Luke aka @Beardynoise! A man who is on a quest to catalogue all possible types of wank spanning the entire human experience. After the roaring success of volume 1 of his Wankonomicon at the start of the month, he is back to give you more detail on new and different types of wank, as well as recommendations for excellent sex toys to use for each one. Today: the co-op wank, luxury wank and experimental wank… 

Good evening fellow scholars! It’s that time again, when we all come together and delve into the ethereal mysteries of the wank. For the ways that humanity loves to wank are as numerous as the stars, as boundless as the yawning void of space and as unknowable as the next plot development on Riverdale. Surely, you say, to try and collect all of the different types of wank in one place would drive a person to distraction, they’d be frothing at the mind within a week and capable of little more than screaming! This is true, and everyone says that it’s actually been a marked improvement on my conduct.

Here is the second volume of the Wankonomicon, a list of different types of wank (and different sex toys to do them with – complete with affiliate links so if you buy you can support this epic project) gleaned from my years of working in the sex toy industry and investigating the mysteries of the erotic psyche. Whilst I’ve done a lot of wanking, and also find it a frequent topic of discussion, my wank knowledge is far from complete, and as an able-bodied & male identified penis possessor, it’s literally impossible for me to experience every type of wank. As such I welcome audience suggestions for types of wank and what you like best to do them with – nothing would please me more than to compile a truly exhaustive list of masturbation techniques and styles that academics would then have to reference as The Wankonomicon.

But without further ado, let us get further into the sacred art of self-love with the co-op wank, luxury wank and experimental wank in…

The Wankonomicon: Volume II

The co-op wank (aka ‘Ready player two’ aka ‘Mutual Masturbation’)

The co-op wank is a tricky beast, arguably technically a non-solo sexual act by dint of including more than one person but I’m including it in this list because if a cat in a box can be both alive and dead the co-op wank can be both a wank and a sex act (please concoct your own jokes about pussy in a box and send them to [email protected]). Fittingly for a two (or more) player game there are two types of co-op wank – the in-person and the long-distance.

i) In-person Co-Op

The in-person is great for when you’re in bed in the morning and horny but sex is too much effort and you need to be in the shower in five minutes. It provides all the sexual intimacy of intercourse with less of the fuss, but can also be a lovely extended session of exploring each other’s bodies without penetration – but that definitely pushes it into a non-wank sexual territory.

A simple bullet vibrator is great for this as you can use them externally on any erogenous zone, and it can serve as an aid while not pulling focus. I’ve picked out the ‘I Love It’ Leopard bullet because I’m deeply pleased that you can buy a leopard print bullet vibrator and it tickles my fancy like it’ll tickle your bits.

If it’s a stroker you’re after, there’s a wide range of pleasantly squishy ones that give the combined joy of feeling a nice hard dick in your hand and the extra sensation stroker style toys offer – I’m highlighting the Linx stroker here because it has the added benefit of being see-through, so you also get that visual satisfaction!

ii) Long-distance Co-op

The long-distance has a lot of crossover with sexting and is generally the time when we fill our smartphones with still-life or video filth to titillate your partner wether they’re at home in their bed or having to sneak to the work loos for some cheeky relief.

Long-distance is a great chance to give teledildonics a go, with WeVibe’s range of app-compatible toys letting you do stuff at any sort of distance which is very sci-fi and cool.

If you’re the tech-loving type, there’s also a special leg strap that serves as a useful phone holder, so you can enjoy some porn together in person or keep a hand free for stroking that would otherwise be tied up holding your phone during a vigorous sexting session. Isn’t the future brilliant?

Maximum wank (aka Luxury wank)

This is often a person’s favourite type of wank, when you think ‘fuck it, I’m not doing anything else tonight, I’m gonna stay in and jerk it’.

Maybe there’s nobody in the house and you’re gonna run yourself a bath, scatter some rose petals, play some relaxing music and other time-honoured visual metaphors for masturbation that make it light and airy and fun and unthreatening because the semiotics are so removed from the red-faced exertion to which we’re accustomed.

Maybe for your luxury wank you’re just gonna pop on your noise-cancelling headphones and get really stuck in to your favourite porn – I’ve got a friend who, on luxury wank days, will do just this and spend several hours edging themselves to the widest collection of pornography they can find.

Whatever you’re doing, or whatever your inspiration and fantasies, this is a wank on your own terms for your own pleasure in the name of maximum enjoyment. Toy-wise you want to pick your all-time favourite or something extra special – we’ve all read my love letter to the Tenga Flip Hole, so for my curated suggestion I am putting forth the Flip Zero, it’s upgraded big brother.

GotN herself suggests the Hot Octopuss DiGiT, which is brand new and shiny and looks – as well as feels – luxury as fuck.

Experimental wank

The experimental wank is for when you hear about something new and simply have to try it. Everyone loves the classic enthusiastic scientist – lab coat, wild hair, all-consuming dedication to the art of scientific advancement with a haphazard approach to things like ‘ethics’ and ‘is this actually a good idea’. The experimental wank makes YOU into that scientist, and thanks to the leaps and bounds in sex toy technology there are more and more opportunities to become that wide-eyed erotic pioneer, boldly cumming in ways humanity may not have cum before.

My recommendation for this can only be Electrastim (who if you shop with via this link and use the code GOTN you get a 10% discount) – it’s cool, it’s sci-fi, there’s electricity. The true reason Doc Emmett Brown was so keen to get back to the future was because we didn’t have this sort of thing in 1955.

That having been said, I’m aware that electronic stimulation has a steep price of entry – even with GOTN’s special code – but luckily sex tech is constantly improving in all sorts of ways, and if you want something deeply cool then the good folks at Hot Octopuss have a very cool wearable masturbator (that’s even remote controllable!) for penises in the form of the Pulse Duo, now on its third new-and-improved iteration,  and a clitoral stimulator in the Queen Bee.

Highlighting these shiny new things brings the second volume of the Wankonomicon to a close – please do click through and purchase some of these excellent devices, as this article includes affiliate links and if you buy through them this site gets a small cut, which keeps both GOTN and I well stocked up with lube and gin. I do hope you’ll join me soon for the Wankonomicon volume three, and as always, leave any suggestions for types of wank that are yet to be documented in the comments below!