Girl on the Net

I’m not a massive fan of getting head. I’ve said it before, and people are occasionally horrified: how can I call myself a feminist if I don’t insist on oral equality? I am a huge fan of giving head: I take egomaniacal pride in being able to suck cock so well that it has my other half whimpering and trembling on the edge of orgasm for the duration of an entire Portishead song. So where’s the reciprocal pleasure? What of the famed ‘orgasm gap’? Surely I, as a feminist, should insist on oral reciprocity? No.

I’ve tried to explain this before – that ‘equality’ isn’t about receiving exactly the same amount of head as I give my partner, or the same number of orgasms. If I don’t like trifle, handing me a carefully-portioned bowl of trifle that’s exactly the same quantity as yours might be a nice gesture of sharing and kindness, but it’s not exactly ‘equality’ if I’m going to gag my way through a portion that I’m not actually going to enjoy. ‘Equality’ in this instance would be you asking me what puddings I do like, and dispensing profiteroles accordingly.

Given this, what does ‘oral equality’ look like in practice? It doesn’t look like me getting head, that’s for sure. It looks a lot more like this:

This is far better than head for me…

Me lying on my back on the sofa, skinny jeans yanked down and bunched around my ankles – like hurried bondage, I like the way they feel taut and restrictive around my legs.

Kneeling on the floor nearby, he wields a solid, textured, intensely pleasurable dildo. It’s the ‘Helios’ from this post, if you’re interested in that sort of thing. The key thing about this dildo, as opposed to the exceptional g-spot dildo I use for most of my solo masturbation, is that it’s far too big for me to use when I’m on my own. Something about the length of it means it’s hard for me to get the angle right. I’ve fucked myself with it on a few occasions, and I can’t quite get it to work. In his hands, though? It’s like he has magical cunt-thrilling superpowers.

He uses one hand to grip the fabric of my jeans, and yank my legs over my head until I’m hugging my thighs – bent double on my back, ankles tied together. He tells me to hold my legs right there, and I grip the jeans with my fingers – keeping myself still for him. Presenting the naked lips of my cunt, framed and squashed neatly by my upper thighs.

And then he fucks me. With the dildo. Long, slow, firm strokes which allow me to feel every bump and ripple of the ridged texture. Strokes which make me feel stretched and full and used. Lube and cuntjuice gather in the rivulets on the surface, as he fucks me slowly and firmly – in and out – working me into a wriggling frenzy and occasionally telling me what a good fucking girl I am.

Then, importantly: vibration. It used to be the Zumio (one of my favourites, alongside Doxy, for solo play) but it’s not as easy a toy to use on someone else as it is on yourself. Zumio delivers pinpoint stimulation, so requires pinpoint precision. On my own that’s easy, because I live in my body and I know exactly where every sensitive spot is. With someone else it’s almost impossible: placing the nub at the right point on my clit, while I’m squirming and jerking with pleasure at the dildo-fuck… well. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack in the middle of an earthquake. Enter the AMO.

I’ve written about AMO before, but basically it’s a small, rumbly, ridiculously powerful bullet vibe. When he’s fucking me with the dildo, he doesn’t need to find the right ‘spot’ on my clit – he can just lie the AMO along the wet slit at the top of my cunt and press his other hand there firmly. The vibrations travel from the toy, through my flesh, radiating along all the sensitive pathways that envelop my crotch and hips, meeting the sensations of the dildo as it rams hard through the wet canal of my cunt.

I squeal. I grip my legs tighter. He tells me I’m a dirty fucking bitch and I need to stay still. He fucks me – firmly and slowly – with the dildo, while pressing the vibe down hard onto my clit.

And I come. And I keep coming. And then I think I’ve stopped coming so I start to yelp a little at how intensely sensitive I just became, and he keeps fucking me with the dildo so I start to come again. I hover, high and confused and delighted, on that plateau that comes just before coming, then plunge down once again into twitching, squealing, wriggling oblivion.

It’s pretty fucking great. It is greater than head. If head is ‘trifle’ then this handfucking is an entire tower of profiteroles, dripping in chocolate sauce and crammed to bursting with fresh cream that oozes out when you sink your teeth into them.

What’s better than ‘oral equality’?

Equality during sex doesn’t mean ‘having the same thing’: you don’t have to work out the exact match for this type of genital stimulation, and do roughly the same on the other person’s genitals. Genitals don’t work that way. What works for his dick doesn’t feel the same on my clit.

Although if I’m honest, in my case I think it has less to do with the physical sensations of getting head and more to do with the tone and context of what’s happening. My other half does give me head sometimes, because he fucking loves it, and I can get into the mood and enjoy it when he’s doing it in a dominant way (“Lie back and shut the fuck up, I’m going to eat you while I beat myself off.”- Unngh). But I think part of the problem for me is that I am so relentlessly and stubbornly submissive that I can’t mentally get into a scene unless I feel like I’m being used in some way. I know, I know, I’m annoying. Maybe I’ll write more on this later. Maybe I won’t, because the deep explanation of how I truly feel about this is almost certainly A Bit Controversial.

Anyway. The point I want to make here is that not all head is equal. If you love getting head, and your partner loves getting head, then it feels natural to hope for oral equality. But I get more than a little frustrated when told that women should ‘demand equal oral’ from their partners, because there are many people like me for whom head just won’t have the same appeal. There are also plenty of people who genuinely do not enjoy giving head, and will do so only begrudgingly. This isn’t consensual, and it’s certainly not fun: pressuring someone into any sex act, isn’t something anyone should be doing, even if your reason is ‘I’ve sucked you off so fair’s fair.’

My advice, if you don’t enjoy getting head or your partner doesn’t enjoy giving it: find your head-equivalent. Find the sex act which does for you both what the mainstream media thinks head should do for everyone. It might be handfucking of the type I describe above, nipple play, anal fingering, frotting on the sofa half-clothed like you’re in a 90s teen movie, whatever. Don’t get fooled into thinking that ‘equality’ means equal trifle: find your profiteroles, and ask for them instead.