Girl on the Net

Over the course of the last week three – THREE – men have asked me how they go about getting invited to a gang bang. Two of them have been quite specific about exactly the kind of gang bang they want. I get asked questions like this quite frequently, so I’m going to answer this one now: here’s how to get invited to a gang bang.

Firstly, google ‘gang bangs + [name of your nearest city]’ – you’ll turn up loads of results, and usually they have lists that you can pop your name on. If you don’t turn up any results, just drop an email to your favourite sex blogger – we’re in the know on this stuff, and we’ll usually have a huge network of friends who are willing to host gang bangs at the drop of a hat. The fact that you’ve come via a sex blogger is more than enough to prove that you’re a trustworthy individual, so you won’t be asked to put in any more effort in order to secure your spot.

When you’ve expressed your interest in one of the plentiful open-access gang bangs that are on offer 24/7, expect a phone call in the next 1-2 weeks from the host. She will let you know where the gang bang will take place, who else is invited, and what the general rules are. During this phone call, feel free to specify exactly what you want to happen at the gang bang, so that all your fantasies can be fulfilled while you’re there. Most gang bang hosts will also send you nudes to wank over while you get excited for the big day.

JOKE.

This is not how you have a gang bang. But it is, apparently, the way some people think you have a gang bang, judging by my inbox. I’ve always received quite a few emails from people asking ‘how do I fulfil X sexual fantasy?’ Understandable, because I am someone who works bloody hard to try and fulfil my own sexual fantasies, so it’s not unreasonable to assume I’d have some advice on how to go about it. Unfortunately, my advice cannot be a substitute for you putting in some effort.

Don’t worry, I promise I will give you some tips on getting a gang bang, but before I get to those it’s important to disabuse you of the notion that there are millions of gang bangs happening, and the only reason you’re not invited is that you haven’t been added to the right mailing list.

I really want to be invited to a gang bang too!

This is not a secret: I’ve always wanted to be invited to a gang bang. In my dreams, a group of hot, funny, interesting men get together to organise one as a special treat for my birthday. In my wildest dreams this gang bang just sort of happens organically: I’m in the pub and run into a bunch of nice blokes, we flirt and chat, and then one of them invites me back to his flat round the corner, where we all pile in and get naked. This has never happened. It is never going to happen. Even if all the preliminary stuff happened – the nice guys, the pub, the invite back to a flat – I almost certainly wouldn’t be able to say ‘yes.’

Why? Because real life isn’t porn. Sometimes, on shining and beautiful days when the atmosphere is right and you’re with the right group of people, sexy things can occur with a group of likeminded people, and it feels like you’ve wandered into a sex dream. But those tend to be fairly rare occurrences, and even when they happen the chances are someone was doing a bit of work behind the scenes: making suggestions, checking in, establishing rapport, and all that stuff.

I once had a lovely night with a guy and a few friends, which involved all of us getting naked and a bit sexy with each other. It was playful, enjoyable, and we’ve since repeated it a fair few times with the same group. But the morning after the first time it happened, the guy told me with wide-eyed naiveté that he couldn’t believe it had ‘just, sort of, happened! Out of nowhere!’

He was right not to believe it, because it hadn’t ‘just sort of happened.’ It was the culmination of a lot of conversations, a bit of flirting, a hell of a lot of checking-in, and a fair amount of behind-the-scenes discussion with the friends who were coming over. There was no ‘just happened’ about it: everyone involved had made a conscious decision. This dude hadn’t just been unaware that I’d had these conversations with others, he’d either forgotten or ignored all the conversations I’d had with him: where we’d talked about who he fancied, what he liked, the kind of things he’d be up for doing, etcetera.

My point is: life isn’t porn. Even when life appears to be like porn, it usually isn’t. In fact, come closer and lean in while I tell you a secret: even porn is not like porn! It’s not as if a group of guys turn up at a woman’s house one day, there happens to be a camera crew there, and they film a delightfully spontaneous gang bang – they plan that shit! They negotiate and discuss and agree and reject and go back and forth deciding all the details. They pause the cameras partway through the scene if someone’s uncomfortable or flaccid or just needs a bit of a break. So don’t expect to have the kind of gang bangs you’ve seen in porn unless you’re willing to put in porn-level preparation.

How to get invited to a gang bang

As I may have mentioned five million times, in woe-is-me tones, I have never had a gang bang. I’ve had some things I’ll loosely describe as ‘sex parties’ or ‘sex gatherings’, but never the five-guys-on-one-girl action that I wank about when I’m alone. Because – not sure if I’ve mentioned this? – they’re pretty hard to organise. But if I were a guy who wanted one, here’s how I’d go about it:

1. Accept that a gang bang is never just going to fall out of the sky, like a gift from the magical sex fairies.

2. Having accepted it’s never going to fall out of the sky, assess what you need in order to have a gang bang. The answer? Willing accomplices!

3. Find willing accomplices. Note ‘willing.’ Very few people will be willing to bang you just cause you asked them to. So no randomly tweeting or emailing sex bloggers (or other horny folks online) just to say ‘want a gang bang?’ You need to connect. So.

4. Make friends with the sort of people who like gang bangs. Be nice to them. Be respectful. Listen to them. Laugh at their jokes. Tell them about yourself. Show yourself worthy of their trust.

5. Nag them over and over again until they finally agree to have a gang bang.

JOKE.

Look. If you’ve come this far, and managed to make friends with lots of sex-interested people, then you’ll already have come on a very long journey from your initial email to me saying ‘how do I get invited to a gang bang?’ You will hopefully have learned about consent, and how vital it is within a sex scene. You’ll also hopefully have learned lots about your new friends – including their likes, dislikes, inclinations, etcetera. You may have managed to open up to them about your fantasies, including your desire for a gang bang. You’ll know that the more detailed your fantasy, and the more people involved in it, the more work you’ll have to put in yourself. The only shortcut is to pay, and that still doesn’t mean you’ll get it without any work: you need to research and contact professionals who are up for helping you with your gang bang fantasy, working with them to make sure all the plans are in place and everyone knows what’s what.

How do you get invited to a gang bang? You put in some work. I’m sorry that the answer isn’t a quick fix or a Google search, but if having a gang bang were easy, I’d be so busy stuffing myself with cock that I wouldn’t have had time to write this blog post. The bottom line is that if you want to fulfil a complicated sex fantasy, you need to do more than just ask for it.