Girl on the Net

An imaginary conversation with an imaginary guy who does not yet know about the sex blog. File this, along with so much else, under ‘why I’m not on dating sites right now.’

OK so listen yeah OK yeah the thing is my job is weird. Brace yourself. I write about… dick. On the internet. For money. And also sometimes I turn it into audio porn. Wait! Don’t go! Don’t panic! It’s weird as fuck but it’s fun and I’ll never write anything about you unless you are cool with that. Are you cool with that? Don’t answer now – take your time. Think on it. And while I’m at it, there are a few other things I need you to know about the sex blog. Think on these things too.

It’s anonymous. Obviously. So I’d rather you didn’t go telling everyone that this girl you met on a dating site is also that girl on the net. If you want to claim your stories, you’re welcome to, but be aware that if you do that on public Twitter, you’re eternally and irretrievably linked to this story about how once I sucked you off in a car park. Or wherever. Do you know any quiet car parks?

Sorry, I’m getting distracted.

The job. The job pays my bills, and brings me joy, so I’m not going to stop doing it any time soon. It’s not a hobby. It’s not a lark. It’s funny sometimes – I hope – but it’s not a fucking joke. The job is one of those ‘take it or leave me’ deals, OK?

Cool. I’ll send you a link. Be aware that once you click on the link you have access to a bank of my most intimate stories and thoughts – a comprehensive guide to who I have been for the last ten years. I have often been a prick.

There’s also lot of stuff on there about my ex boyfriend. A lot. Really… a lot. No, more than that. Loads. I wrote a whole book about him. I hope this doesn’t put you off. Even more than that, I hope this doesn’t trigger any kind of competitive instinct – you cannot compete with him, and I would never expect you to. I would never want you to.

There are stories on the blog that are only half-told, and many many more I’ve not mentioned. I tell people my feelings and thoughts and I try to be honest, but the biggest lies I tell are ones of omission. That means if you really want to know how something went down, don’t search the blog: come to me.

I am not GOTN. But I am GOTN. But I’m not.

For you I will always do my best to be me, but for the blog I am GOTN and that means I will sometimes seem like a weird cartoon version of myself. If you hang around for long enough there’ll be a blog version of you too. It’ll reflect all the best bits of you, I hope, and probably none of the bad. So the blog version of you will be a cartoon too. A character. It’s a very weird thing to have out in the world – a cartoon version of you as seen through rose-tinted glasses worn by someone else. I don’t expect you to want that necessarily so – as I say – take your time. As much as you need.

I fuck other people sometimes too. If you have any questions, see above: come to me.

I love my job, and I love this blog, and it isn’t really me but it kind of is. And if you ever want to try out a brand new sex toy, let me know and I’ll see if I can scrounge a freebie. If you want to try a kink, you can search the blog to see if I’ve done it before, or decide not to search the blog if you’d rather approach it fresh.

I’ll tweet about you sometimes, cos I like you. And if I like you more, I’ll write you essays. If I like you too much, I’ll hate myself, so please do your best to be at least a little bit shit.

I’m good at my job, but very bad at this. I love my work, and I love men, but please don’t make me love you.