Girl on the Net

A good friend won’t raise eyebrows if they turn up at your house and there’s a fuckmachine assembled in your office. A great friend will offer to babysit your fucking machine while you’re looking for somewhere to live. The latest Kink of the Week topic is fucking machines, so I expect a lot of people will be dreaming of having a vigorous robotic fuckpony of their very own. Here’s my pitch as to why, if you can’t afford one yourself, you should consider buying one on a timeshare with your pervy mates.

About a year and a half ago, one of my greatest sex dreams came true: I got given an F-Machine pro 3 by my lovely site sponsors Eva Amour. I didn’t ask for a fucking machine, I hasten to add: although I’ll always offer to write about a sponsor product, I would never be so presumptuous as to request one of the most expensive things on the site. I think originally I asked for some nipple clamps, or something equally cheap yet delightfully fun to play with.

But they are heroes, so they gave me a sex machine.

I was not going to turn it down: you don’t look a gift robotic fuckhorse in the mouth.

It’s a beauty, as well: pretty and pink and deviously intimidating when you first put it together. Powerful and exciting and it fucks you in a way I’d never experienced before: the sheer relentlessness of getting shagged by a robot is something you cannot recreate with mere humans. Humans are soft and unpredictable and responsive to your noises. Robots? Not so much. A robot will just keep going and going and going until you hit the ‘off’ switch, and as a result I’ve had some exceptional sex machine adventures. Click the links in this paragraph to read about them in luridly horny detail.

Then, after the break-up, I had to move out. At the moment I’m living with one of my best mates, in a lovely peaceful calm place with extremely thin walls and not much space. I don’t know how long it’ll take me to find a more permanent home, but in this temporary one I have only been able to bring the absolute essentials by way of sex toys (a Doxy, Doxy 3, Ambit, Amo, Kurve, Zumio, Doxy butt plug, We Vibe Nova 2 if you’re interested – as I say, only the absolute essentials).

Naturally, once you get given a fucking machine, you don’t want to part with it under any circumstances. There was no way on this planet I was going to sell my fucking machine.

Enter Jess.

Why you should share fucking machines with friends

You’ll have met Jess before if you’re on Twitter – she is a massive pervert like myself, with a side-order of extreme nerdery. If you’ve read my first book, you’ll have met her right at the end, during a threesome that I ruined by being a whiny little bitch. Join me on Patreon soon because next month I’ll have an interview with her, where she gets to set the record straight by telling you that story from her perspective. She’s extremely cool, kind, funny, filthy and caring. I love her beyond measure.

And she’s babysitting my fucking machine.

Every pervert needs friends like this in their life. And to be honest, every pervert who has friends like this in their life could potentially buy a fucking machine by having a whip-round and arranging a timeshare situation.

Firstly for practical reasons: let’s face it, they are pricey bits of kit. Mine costs around £530 (although you can get a 10% discount by using the code GOTN at Eva Amour – shameless plug). But they’re also not the kind of thing you’re going to use every day. Unless you have a spare room which you can fill with sex equipment that you never have to dismantle, a fucking machine is going to spend most of its life packed away and waiting for an evening when you’re feeling especially adventurous. And that feels like a bit of a waste.

It’s not just Jess who’s babysitting sex machines for me: just before lockdown I lent my mate Molly Moore the other bit of Hefty Sex Equipment a sponsor has given me (the Cowgirl, kindly sent by SheVibe – code GIRLONTHENET for 10% off innit). Throughout the misery of Lockdown 1, I was comforted to know that at least I had brought someone else a little bit of joy in the form of a powerful ride-on fucktoy.

And if these aren’t good enough reasons to timeshare a fucking machine with your mates, there’s also the bonus that they might share stories with you. Stories are one of life’s greatest joys, and when you have pervy friends you get to live vicariously through them. I’m not shagging anyone at the moment (because men are a luxury, and right now I am broke), so the next best thing is hearing about all the fun my mates are having while I’m too anxious and busy to do filthy fucking of my own. But maybe Jess can have the kind of fun with my sex pony that I am too weary to organise right now? Maybe, if you timeshare a sex machine with your mates, one of them will arrange that relentlessly robotic, exhibitionist gangbang that you don’t have the time to sort out yourself? Perhaps their kinks, which don’t perfectly match yours, will give them insight into brand new scenarios that you could never have imagined on your own?

Thanks to my gloriously pervy friends, my fucking machines will never just be dirty little secrets that I hide when relatives come to visit, they can take on a life of their own: going on adventures around the country, gathering hot sex tales with which to entertain me when they return, and – of course – doing things that I could never have dreamed of.

My imagination can only stretch so far – often the best ideas come from other people. And although she’s definitely had some sexy fun with the fucking machine, when Jess first took it on a trip to see a dude, the very first thing they did was stick giant googly eyes above the dildo, turn the dial up to max, and watch it fuck itself around the floor of his bedroom.

This post was written for the Kink of the Week topic – fucking machines. Click the lips to see who else is joining in!