Girl on the Net

Recently I wrote the easiest guide to dirty talk in the English-speaking world. I am a fan of trying to simplify sex things to get more people on board with doing them, and I am quite proud of that guide – I reckon people who’ve never talked dirty before might find it useful. I thought I’d have a go at doing something similar for sex comms more generally. And this one’s even simpler: all you need is three words. One phrase. Learn it, and get instantly better at sexual communication. Ready? Brace yourself…

“Tell me more”

That’s it: tell me more.

Three words. One phrase. Couldn’t be simpler.

When your partner says something sexy, or something they like, or something they’re intrigued about, or tells you about a hot sex dream they had: tell me more.

Three words.

Then shut up and listen, obviously. Indulge in both the spirit and the practice of ‘tell me more.’

One of the things I’ve learned from being an extremely Gobby Sex Twat is that sometimes people who are not as at ease with sexy conversation are just waiting for an invitation to join in. They aren’t used to starting these discussions themselves, so instead of regularly launching into monologues like a normal person the aforementioned Gobby Sex Twats about how much they want someone to spaff in their eyes, they hint gently at things they might be interested in. They drop gauntlets and see if you pick them up.

Some people are waiting for a sign of interest before they elaborate. They need your permission/invitation/enthusiasm in order to get over the hurdle of slight nervousness and step into a fuller conversation.

Tell me more.

They might offer hints that will be left unexplored unless you give them the go-ahead. To know you’re interested and ready to listen, some people need a sign. They need you to acknowledge that you’ve heard what they said and it struck a chord with you too. So if something sexy strikes that chord, hand them the microphone and let ’em sing their solo:

Tell. Me. More.

When a guy I’m fucking tells me he’s been thinking about being used? Tell me more. When a good friend says they had an idea for something that might be quite hot to try? Tell me more. When I ask ‘what do you like?’ and someone replies with ‘spanking’ then oh God fuck, me too mate, me too – but spanking is such a broad church I’m gonna need a little more to go on so please. With whipped cream and a cherry: tell me more.

I don’t always have specific questions for people about their kinks and desires, but that’s rarely because I lack curiosity. Often it’s because I need them to lead the discussion, ideally before I get overexcited and start waxing horny and talking over them. If I respond to your comment that you’re ‘into spanking’ with a monologue about how much I love receiving OTK spankings and being told I’m a naughty girl, it’s going to be boring for you and embarrassing for me if it turns out what you meant was ‘I want you to spank me.’

So yeah, I need to remember this tip as well, especially when I’m gunning my engines full-throttle and not always calming down to listen.

Tell me more.

Tell me about the inside of your head. Tell me the things you think about when you masturbate the stresses of the day away and drift off into a spunk-splattered slumber. Tell me what porn you’re watching at the moment, which rabbit-holes of filth you’ve been pulled down into. Tell me more about everything you wanna do.

Tell. Me. More.

I often get guys asking me how they can get their wives to be more adventurous in bed – how do I tempt her to try this or that thing? Sorry to be so gendered about it, but it usually does happen this way around. They want to know how they can get her into pegging, or BDSM, or some other kink that they’re itching to try out. But when I ask, few of them have any idea what she might want herself.

It may be that she’s never given hints. It might be that she doesn’t know. It might, however, be because when she started talking about it she didn’t get the ‘go ahead’ signal she was after: tell me more. Perhaps her partner was so busy working out how to ‘get’ her to like pegging that they didn’t stop and listen when she hinted at something else.

Good sexual communication is (usually) very similar to good relationship communication in general. Whether that’s a relationship with a lover or a friend or a life partner, the things you communicate about will change, but the broad principles of comms remain the same.

So: tell me more.

Someone you love has had a shit day at work and when you ask how they are they say ‘not great, but I’ll be OK.’ Tell me more.

They’re a bit sad? Tell me more. Happy? Tell me more. Given you a bit of detail about this dinner party they went to but you can sense there’s something else about it that’s simmering in their mind?

Tell. Me. More.

I care about you. I’m interested in you. I really want to know what feelings are floating around in your brain right now. I want to offer whatever it is you might need, even if – especially if – that thing is just a listening ear.

Tell me more.

If I like you, I want to know you. Know about the sexual desires that you distract yourself with on long train journeys. The anxieties which keep you awake at night. The kind things other people have said to you that have kept you going during horrible times. The dreams you nurture when you’re feeling at your best, when you wake up in the mornings and think ‘yes, life, come at me! I can fucking do this.’ I want to know the parts of your stories that you rarely tell anyone else – the kinky bits, the dark bits, the bits which sound like bragging, the bits which might make me think you’re a little bit weird.

I want to know you. To enjoy you. To support you. Get hot for you. Understand you.

Tell me more.