Recently someone emailed me a question that went a little something like this: “you’ve alluded to wanting a spitroast/gang bang before. But there are clubs in London where this happens every night! Why don’t you just go to one of those?!” It is not an uncommon question, and I suspect it’s one that quite a lot of horny, slutty women get asked, so I thought I’d have a crack at answering it. I don’t think everyone will feel the same way I do, but (with thanks to the person who asked the question) here’s why this pervy woman isn’t in sex clubs every night.
[CN: assault, rape]
Getting gang banged by strangers is scary
Firstly and most importantly, in any heterosexual interaction, it’s important to remember the golden rule: “Men are afraid that women might laugh at them, women are afraid that men might kill them.” I know it’s not very sexy to point it out, and if you’re a man contemplating taking me – or any other woman – to get gang banged in a sex club, you might feel that I’ve somewhat killed the mood. Feels shit, doesn’t it? Makes you a bit less horny? Now you know how I feel. Remember: this mantra floats around in my head all the time. All. The. Time. Whenever I’m planning a fuck with anyone, part of that planning has to involve contingency measures in case I somehow enrage him.
You’re probably thinking here: oh, but I’d never do that! And maybe you wouldn’t. But also, maybe you just haven’t been angry enough yet. The fact is that even men we love and trust sometimes rape us or kill us, and even men who wouldn’t rape or kill us sometimes engage in punishment behaviour, where they’ll hold control (be it physical, financial, practical) over us in order to try and teach us to behave. Ever driven off at the end of a night out/left your girlfriend in a pub/club alone when she said something mean to you? Or demanded she repay a debt to you immediately, even though she doesn’t have the money, because the way she’s behaving is making you feel sad? Punched a wall? Smashed a plate? Engaged in any kind of behaviour that you knew would frighten her, because she’d said something that made you angry?
Not all men do this, obviously. But enough of them do that most women I know will factor it in. We’re not trying to be killjoys or spoilsports here, we’d really love to not have to consider this, guys! But we’ll be blamed for not thinking of it should the worst case scenario happen. If this information makes you sad or angry, you’re welcome to join in with a little project women (and others who have experienced misogyny) are working on called ‘building a society in which we feel safe’. I’m certain it will lead to more gang bang opportunity, and all you need to do to help progress it is hold men you know accountable for their behaviour.
No, really, I mean it
I know what some of you are thinking right now: in a sex club, there are usually lots of other people, so certain dangers are mitigated. The risk that someone’s going to physically attack me is mitigated by rules, observers, and other such things. However, not only does it not eliminate this risk (there’s still the possibility that someone could take a condom off partway through a shag and go unnoticed because we’re all too busy banging, for instance) but it also adds an extra risk too. In the wild and horny atmosphere of a sex club, to which I have gone with the express intention of getting gang banged, there’s a hell of a lot of pressure floating around. Pressure that I put on myself, to live up to the horny promises I made in the safety of my own home. Pressure from the guy I’m with, who’s brought me all this way and probably doesn’t want to see me sitting in a corner all night trying to gather some courage. And pressure from other patrons of the club, who might wonder why this woman bothered coming if she isn’t even planning to get her tits out. In a sex club, I feel pressure to do stuff. For people-pleasing reasons (my fault) as well as not wanting men to be upset/angry reasons (a product of living in a society as described above).
Do you understand the things I’ve explained above? I need you to feel them. Really, genuinely feel them. Sit with them for a while. Don’t dismiss them with ‘I wouldn’t do that’ or ‘I’ll protect you’ – recognise that those reassurances are ones I have heard many times before, from men who subsequently either did things to me, or let things be done to me. There is no magic word or phrase that you can utter which will banish this shit from my mind. How do you feel? Powerless? Good. You’re starting to get it.
When you tell me it’ll be OK, and you know a good club, and you know good men, there will always be a voice in the back of my head that says ‘yeah, he says that, but so did so-and-so.’ Like the so-and-so who waited till I’d passed out drunk then he and his mate copped a good feel of my tits. Or other so-and-sos, who have held power over me (or women I know) in order to get us to behave the way they want. Talked to us through gritted teeth like they could barely contain their rage and hit walls or nearby objects or yelled at the top of their voices when we’ve been trembling in front of them. There are men who take condoms off partway through fucking, who lie about STI status and latex allergies, who say ‘just the tip’ before shoving their whole cock really deep in your ass. Groups of men getting rowdy on trains who’ll loudly dissect the shag they had the night before, in tones which tell you they think the woman they fucked was literal trash. Gangs of guys who’ll yell things at you, grab at you, and make you genuinely fear for your safety. Dudes who – when presented with these facts – will tell you that you’re overreacting or being too emotional or being unfair by raising it because you’re making them feel like they’re part of the problem.
You get the idea. Feel it, really feel it. Please try. Now remember – some of the people I mentioned above were men I knew and loved, for whom I’d done that complex risk calculation and thought ‘yeah, fuck it, I’m in.’ Put yourself in my shoes, and consider now whether you want to be naked in a room with loads more men who you do not even know? It’s not easy. Possible, but not easy. Take it one step further, now: don’t just dare yourself to do it, gear yourself up to be genuinely horny for it.
Hold that feeling: we’ll return to it later.
Sex clubs are hot (in theory) and men are hot (in theory)
Now that we’ve addressed the huge elephant in the room, it’s time to turn to its smaller yet no less elephantlike companion: the relative sexiness of men.
In my mind, when I picture a sex club, it’s filled with hot, charming men. The kind of men who come up to me and say lovely things about my tits, in extremely respectful ways. They smile those hot/filthy sideways grins and invite me to suck them off in low-lit rooms where other horny people moan and fuck on mattresses nearby. In my dreams, all the men in sex clubs are eminently fanciable, because they’re also respectful. In my dreams, the men in sex clubs understand the paragraphs above, and hold them – like I do – front of mind at all times. They’re kind and funny and interesting, recently showered, and the conversations we have before we fuck are ones which make me want to open myself further. Be vulnerable and intimate. Get astonishingly and spectacularly railed.
Note I’ve not said anything about people’s physical attractiveness, and that is because I do not care. I don’t need men to be conventionally beautiful, I just need them to be nice, funny and interested in me.
I probably shouldn’t be demanding these things of men I’m only ever gonna meet once, but I’m sorry to say that I think in order to fancy someone, I really do need some kind of… feel free to puke if you need to… connection. It sounds romantic and emotional and all the things you probably don’t want to carry with you into a sex club, and maybe it’s quite personal to me but… yeah. Before I strip naked and beg you to get your dick in me, I need motivation, and that motivation (for me) can only come from conversation. Chat, rapport, flirting, whatever you’d like to call it.
Sometimes people are surprised by this – the kind of guy who asks me why I don’t ‘just’ get gang banged in a sex club is usually one of these people. But I don’t think, if you’ve read my work, that this should be especially surprising. Despite my horny fantasies, I am not hankering after anonymous ‘one and done’ fucks with a bunch of random strangers. My preferences lean far more towards gathering a few fun men with whom I can build solidly enjoyable fuckbuddy-style relationships and then, ideally, getting those guys to gang bang me. I’m extremely horny, but I will rarely fuck a dude with the intention of only doing it once.
Where I have done more adventurous shit – this kickass afternoon in a Soho sex cinema, for instance – it’s mostly as part of an ongoing adventure I’m having with a specific guy. I’d never have done that, or this, or this, if it weren’t for the connection I felt with the dude who was right by my side. In these scenarios (which were extremely rare even when I was doing them) I could only get wet because of the depth and intensity of the fuckfeelings I had for my sexually adventurous partner in crime.
These days I’m single, and I have no partner in crime, so I have expanded my horizons a little. I’m up for some stuff that is more casual, like asking my friends if they mind me occasionally borrowing their men, or shagging guys on first dates when we’ve only shared a couple of pints. But ‘a couple’ of pints is far more than ‘none’, and I really do need something more than just ‘here, a man is naked: fuck him!’ A few drinks, a bit of chat, a casual conversation at a party: all these things open doors that I can peek through to see if I find someone attractive. I’m not being fussy or frigid or picky, just honest. As I said above, I don’t care about physical attractiveness. If I know you and like you well enough, I’ll fetishise bits of your body to the point where I’ll convince myself that this type of body has always been what I go for. But if your body is all I’ve got to go on, my cunt will not get wet.
We’re gonna circle back to point one here, I’m afraid, so sorry to bring the mood down again. But I think at least part of the reason my cunt can’t get wet just for bodies is because so many of the bodies I have seen have been inhabited by men who are dangerous. Or if not outright dangerous, then terrible in some other way that dries me up. Men who look nice in dating site photos but don’t ask me any questions, or who dazzle me with beauty but then turn me off by treating me like a child. I don’t want to fuck a man who doesn’t understand what ‘entitlement’ is, or who treats me like I’m purely a hole to fuck. One who doesn’t get why I don’t ‘just’ whip my knickers down and spread wide, if a gang bang’s what I really want, because in his mind a gang bang is nothing more than a bunch of men ploughing away at my holes.
Thanks to the general lopsided power in straight dating/sex scenarios, men, as a general rule, are more interested in escalating to a fuck than they are in finding out if we’re genuinely sexually compatible. So alongside health and safety checks, the hornier due diligence checks – will we enjoy the same things? Will we match in terms of sexual style? Are there any limits/boundaries/desires/kinks I should know about/disclose before we leap on in? – all become my responsibility too, because men are more likely to just go with ‘sex: yes’ and not think about the rest of it.
My preferred alternative to getting gang banged in a sex club
Asking me ‘why don’t you get gang banged in a sex club?’ might seem on the surface like a legitimate question to ask, so I’m not having a go at you for asking it. If your sexuality is driven purely by the desire to experience a specific kind of fuck, and you live in a society where all that’s required in order for you to get horny for that fuck is the presence of a willing associate (or group thereof) then yeah, ‘just go get banged in a sex club’ might seem like a simple solution. But it’s more complicated than that for me. Not for all women necessarily, but definitely for me.
In order to get gang banged by a group of dudes, I need all the dudes who are ploughing the fuck out of me while I choke and gag and wriggle and beg ‘more and harder‘ to know me at least well enough that they understand what I’ve said in the post above. Bonus points if they also understand that the pure adrenaline-flood joy of a gang bang comes at least in part from the fact that large groups of men feel extremely fucking dangerous to me. If you can hold the cognitive dissonance of ‘wanting to be fucked by a group of men’ and simultaneously ‘being terrified of large groups of men’ in your head at once, then you’re coming close to understanding the power of this particular fantasy.
So when you ask me why, if I’m so keen on gang bangs, I don’t ‘just’ go fuck in a sex club, I have to break some really tricky news… I’m sorry, my loves, but part of the problem is that I worry that a lot of the men in sex clubs also think in this way. They won’t understand why I’d need to gear myself up before taking the plunge. They wouldn’t get why, once there, I wasn’t immediately diving in. They wouldn’t truly comprehend why I need to have a drink and a chat before fucking. And above all they wouldn’t understand that despite my horny fantasies, the practicalities are so monstrously hard to overcome that 99% of the time I’ll have far more fun simply fucking my actual mates. It isn’t the specific act I’ve wanked about so many times, but it’s lower risk, less pressure, and far more real-life pleasure.
I’d say ‘sorry to disappoint’, but if you’ve understood the above, you’ll also understand why this shouldn’t be cause for disappointment. There’s no such thing as ‘just’ getting gang banged, because I am never ‘just’ holes. That doesn’t mean I’ll never have one, it just means that if I want one enough, I’ll have to put in the work. Work to find men who fancy me (and get on with each other), and who are willing to participate in the comfort of my home, where scary strangers can’t just barge in. Men who have proved that they really understand what I’ve written above, and don’t take it lightly. Men who will fuck me into a messy, sticky paste then thank me politely afterwards for the lovely time. Men who are only game for this if everyone involved really wants it. So far I think I have three.
Planning this kind of group fuck is definitely way harder than getting gang banged in a sex club, but I want this enough that I’m willing to put in the work. After all, as I’ve said before: nothing in life is easy if you want to do it well.
This post is written for the Kink of the Week topic ‘gang bangs‘, click the lips below to read other people’s far sexier posts about this topic, and please accept my apologies for bringing the mood down a little. To bring it back up again, I’ll have another ‘gang bang’ themed post on Sunday, and that one is far sexier. Possibly the most gutter-trash fuck-me-till-I’m-messy post I’ve written in a good long while, because while I’m not ‘just’ holes, I am also holes. I contain multitudes. Subscribe for updates.
23 Comments
Excellent post.
This was brilliant, both for how well-written it was, and also for the honesty behind it; I suspect you know that some folks somewhere, are going to give you a hard time for saying some of the things you said – which is of course partly why it was so good that you said them!
In particular, it was really, REALLY good at deflating the ‘Not all men…’ school of thought. Of course we all know it’s not all men. (Caroline Criado-Perez makes a good observation in her book, that one of the reasons so many men find it difficult to accept how widespread abuse is, is BECAUSE the majority of men don’t do it.) But what you said reminded me of how on one occasion a terrorist attack was prevented, and the terrorists issued a statement saying ‘Today you got lucky. But you have to be lucky every time. We only have to be lucky, once.’ I know that comparing some of the behaviour above to terrorism is provocative, and might seem a stretch. But while the things you describe above may not have been INTENDED to put terror in the minds of the women they were done to, they will, at least sometimes, have caused that effect.
Some of what you wrote made me both sad, and angry. But hopefully, you saying them, will give rise to slightly fewer things happening that will cause sadness and anger. Thank you for doing so.
Yeah I think that’s a helpful analogy, like it doesn’t have to be everyone but it does have to be enough people. And the less-terrifying-but-still-significant things also add up. There are a lot of guys who have promised ‘I’d never do that’ who end up ‘doing that’ when they feel justified (i.e. angry enough). But yeah, thank you for your comment -no one’s given me a hard time so far which is nice =) I think these conversations are way easier to have these days than they were when I first started blogging, and that’s a comforting thing!
amen.
I find a lot of your work really enabling and you have put my stance into words perfectly.
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much Liv!
Perhaps the surprising thing is that, given all of the above, there *are* women who are happy to go to sex clubs and get banged by groups of anonymous men. Not my thing as such, but I do hope the guys in those clubs realise how fortunate they are there…
Ah yeah that’s a really good point. I think it’s testament to how horny we can sometimes be that some of us will still do this stuff sometimes. Though I reckon some credit should go to clubs/people who really can put people at ease. My experience is limited, and old (last time I actually went to a club was more than 10 years ago), so I’d hazard a guess (just based on how the conversation about this stuff has moved on) that there’s a lot more awareness of this stuff among people who do visit clubs. Perhaps one day I will be brave enough, and have a sidekick I trust enough, to have another crack =)
100% (1000%) percent this. I share this fantasy, and have put a hell of a lot of thought into all of the factors and nuances you mentioned above. Having a fantasy doesn’t cancel out being a real-life person in a complex and often threatening world. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you katerina! <3
” If you can hold the cognitive dissonance of ‘wanting to be fucked by a group of men’ and simultaneously ‘being terrified of large groups of men’ in your head at once, then you’re coming close to understanding the power of this particular fantasy.”
Makes sense; it’s the same cognitive dissonance that makes roller coasters fun for many people. It’s the PERCEPTION of falling, of crashing, of danger, while riding in an over-engineered machine that “almost never” fails.
And for SpaceCaptainSmith; some people will ride on REALLY scary roller coasters and enjoy every second, and then do it AGAIN, while others won’t.
Ha, YES! I like the rollercoaster analogy a lot! Thank you TR!
This reminds me of a post by another kick-ass sex blogger who gave herself a gang bang for her 40th birthday. (You, I believe, have time to plan ahead for this.) https://www.thebeautifulkind.com/sex-positive-gang-bang/
Love, love, love this piece.
I have been thinking about gang bangs since the conversation during your zoom meet-up. (Actually, just the day after but it’s taken me this long to get around to writing…)
If I recall correctly, you mentioned the idea of organising a gang bang on subsequent days for yourself and a group of four of your female friends, and said you couldn’t decide if you wanted to go on day one when the bangers would be fresh and enthusiastic, or day five when they would be into their groove, and ideally how you would want all of the bangees to experience each part of the performance spectrum.
I suggested a day six where everyone got a go, but a couple of people said that would turn it from a gang bang into an orgy. But would it? It seems to me the defining characteristic of an orgy is an anything goes philosophy (subject to boundaries and consent obviously) and a gang bang is multiple bangers focussed on one bangee.
If on day six, the bangees take turns, and while they await their turn the other four bangees stay on the periphery amusing themselves as they see fit, then would that not still be a gang bang? In fact, a particularly British form of gang bang as it involves politely queuing :-)
Anyway, I hope your gang bang plans come to fruition, I would love to read about that almost as much as I would love to be a part of it.
Tx
[CN: assault, possibly rape]
Multitasking seems like a way to do many jobs badly. Sorry if I don’t feel more enthusiastic. When much younger I was in situations where there was one girl and three or four of my friends involved. It always turned out that what I thought my friends would do was not much like what a few of them did. After a few more years they had grown into their sociopathy. That is to say that they were the guys who liked to pinch real hard and slap really hard. “She likes it, don’t worry so much”. I was a shy guy and did not take much of a part in these assignations. I did some looking and touching, but when she started squirming and trying to protect herself, I opted out. However, all is not as it sometimes seems and I knew one girl who seemed to thrive on rough treatment.
I debated whether to trash your comment because it’s extremely disturbing, but on balance I’ve added a content warning. This is a deeply frightening thing, and I really hope she is OK. I don’t think it’s enough in that situation to simply step back and not participate. What you’re describing sounds like rape. Sorry I can’t write more here, I find this extremely distressing. Not just that it happened but that you’re willing to talk about it so casually.
This is probably the worst analogy, but: birthday parties. They’re fun because everyone there is a good friend. A birthday party with strangers is just, like, weird and unsettling.
Yes, and it is deeply disturbing. It was well over fifty years ago. I was a kid. Now I would stand up and I have. I did point put that some of these kids grew into terrible adults and one went to prison. To me a gang bang in a bar with strangers sounds just crazy. It seems like it would be an invitation to disaster. The girl? I hope she didn’t grow up thinking this was normal and settle for reduced expectations.
‘reduced expectations’? It sounds like she was gang raped – I hope she has had support and care to help process that trauma. Saying ‘it was fifty years ago’ doesn’t really do much to mitigate what happened, nor does ‘some of these kids grew into terrible adults.’ What you’ve done here is use this story as fodder for chat on a sex blog, thus handing new trauma over to me as I try to work out what the hell to do with this information and how to deal with it in a way that might help prevent other people going through the same thing. It’s not really an option for me to just ignore it, and it’s certainly not an option for me to pat you on the head and say well done for learning your lesson, because you clearly haven’t learned much from this. You haven’t expressed proportional regret for your part in what happened, just excused yourself by saying you were a kid and that ‘now’ you would stand up. But would you, though? Your behaviour doesn’t really imply that you would – in the past you have ignored my boundaries more than once when I had to tell you to stop asking for my address, and now (despite my saying your initial comment was disturbing) you have chosen (instead of apologising) to pop back and make excuses for it.
Instead of reflecting on your behaviour, you’re handing it to me – leaving this little parcel of horror on my doorstep. I think in order to build a world where this stuff doesn’t happen, it’s important for people who have done these things to admit it and discuss it, so… maybe I should give you points for admitting that it’s disturbing? But you’re not really acknowledging the weight of it, and your first instinct is to minimise it by saying it was a long time ago. Besides, if you know how disturbing it is, why have you handed it on to me? And why do so in the comments on a post that’s about gang bangs rather than a post about, say, consent or abuse? What are you looking for from me? Why does soothing/comforting/listening to you become my responsibility? You aren’t the first man who has done this in comments, and in fact you’re not even the only one this week, and frankly it’s left me reeling. I don’t know what to say or do, or what you expect me to say or do in response to this information. I am going to ban you from comments now though, because I am a bit sick of men hurling trauma into my working life like it’s just an interesting story. I think you’ve quite neatly demonstrated why so many women feel the way I’ve described in the post, though, especially given that you’re such a long-time commenter and you still don’t understand why this isn’t OK. I hope anyone else reading can see your comment and understand why I (and many other women) feel the way we feel when it comes to our safety around men we might fuck.
Soooo much this. My partner has a group sex fantasy, with specific kinks ill keep private even in an anonymous setting. BUT, the practical, health, safety and sane objections around the consequences of that fantasy mean that’s all it will stay. A fantasy. I can murmer it in her ear in the dark in moments of passion, but it’s very unlikely to be ever acted on. We’ve been to a club a couple of times and enjoyed each others company… , but that step of inviting third parties? The realities of the world we live in, the potential for dangerous men, the health concerns, Always trumps the horn. Life is not porn I guess?
It’s a hot as fuck fantasy though…
A gang bang is a big fantasy of mine. However, it will likely stay a fantasy due to fear for my safety and concern over my boundaries being respected. Maybe one day I will find a person that I trust to keep me safe so I can live out the fantasy. In the meantime, I will leave it to my imagination.
I’m with you on the incredibly hot theory and right with you on the reality. Being surrounded and used as holes for a bunch of completely strange cis dudes absolutely terrifies me. So thank you for highlighting this so perfectly.
Beautiful article. There’s an exponential effect in group sex, especially in gang bangs. The men probably don’t know each other, and can fall into their competitive natures way too easily, forgetting that the woman is the most vulnerable. Avoidance? Adequate communication, and maybe a designated “driver” you trust who knows you well enough to protect you from misguided assault.