Girl on the Net

I don’t want your unsolicited nudes or dick pics, but I do appreciate a good nude or dick pic offer from a guy I already know. The generosity of men often blows me the fuck away, and over the last six months or so, kind horny dudes have occasionally sent me shudderingly sexy messages which say something along the lines of: would you like a dick pic? Usually when someone offers nudes, a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ won’t quite suffice…

My horn isn’t always predictable, and it’s also not always matched neatly to the person who’s thinking of sending me a sexy pic. Sometimes he’ll be horny and casually stroking it while I’m on a train or on the phone to my mum. Or perhaps I’m halfway through writing something that’s feisty and filled with rage, so my vagina is as dry as a handful of Doritos dust.

Nevertheless, the promise of a dick pic (or other lewd/nude picture) isn’t one I want to reject out of hand. I might be in the mood for it later, and I don’t want to ruin Future Me’s chances at getting an eyeful of excellent cock.

Responses when someone offers nudes

It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that ‘yes’ and ‘no’ are the only two answers to a closed question like ‘would you like to see a nude?’ but in fact there are far more answers than that. Off the top of my head, here are a few possibilities:

• No thank you, but please do offer again in future if you fancy it, it’s just that I’m not horny right this minute.
• No thank you, and as a general rule I’m not visual enough to appreciate a nude so I’d prefer horny messages to pics.
• Yes please, that sounds extremely hot.
• Yes please, and would you like one of mine in return? (I never do this one, so please don’t get your hopes up, I’m just including it as an example)

Then, of course, there’s my favourite – and most common – response:

• Holy shit yes please! I’d love a dick pic/nude/lewd, but at the moment I’m in a very un-horny space. Would you mind sending it to me later this evening/over the weekend/at a different unspecified time so that I get the delicious anticipation of wondering when it might come through?

Delayed dick pic gratification

My ex used to tease me for my obsession with delayed gratification. If something fun might happen, I didn’t just want it to happen straight away – I wanted to be able to look forward to it. While there’s sometimes joy in impulsive gigs or someone randomly bringing Krispy Kreme home from the office, broadly I squeeze even more delight out of something if I get to anticipate it in advance.

I am not an especially visual person, so it rarely occurs to me to ask people for pictures of their junk. But I absolutely am a horny slag who loves anticipating if and when a hot guy might text her, so when one offers nudes or cock shots, I am excited not specifically by the pictures but by the entire event. Here are a few moments from the last few months, with my response and the results…

Him: So I’ve been practicing dick pics with hands…

My response: “Do you fancy surprising me with one at some point over the weekend? I’d ask for one now but I kind of like the element of surprise and the fact that there’ll be a few moments where I remember I might get to see one and get excited and horny, but when it actually comes I’ll have pushed it to the back of my mind, so it’ll come as a delightful horny surprise. Obviously only if that sounds fun to you and you’re happy to share.”

This worked exceptionally well. While I was away, I didn’t always have internet available on my GOTN phone, so unusually (for me) I wasn’t constantly on Twitter, leaping up to check my phone every time it pinged through a DM. I was busy drinking and dancing and hanging out with my friends. Even so, every now and then my mind would stray to thoughts of This Dude, and the fact that he’d promised me a dick pic. Not just any dick pic either – one with hands. Hands being, of course, the sexiest part of anyone’s body, as evidenced by the hottest piece of sex blogging ever written – an ode to hands, by Joy As It Flies. Every time I thought about the pic, I got a throb of excitement.

When I eventually managed to get my phone online (and the pic in my inbox) at midnight on the Saturday, not only did I hugely appreciate that picture (in which the head of his cock was shiny and hard and all the best things, and his hand gripped casually around the shaft in a punishing/dominant way) there was an added gutpunch of delight when I realised he’d sent it mid-afternoon. So… was my reply eliciting the same kind of thrill? While I had been squirming with eagerness to see his picture, had he – at those same moments – been idly wondering if I’d received it yet, and what my reaction would be?

Him: I’ve got a lewd and a nude I could send you – would you like one (or both)? 

Oh god oh god this is possibly the sexiest dick pic interaction I have ever had, and I don’t know if I’ve actually properly waxed lyrical enough to this dude about how awesome it was, which is wildly remiss of me. That will be rectified when he reads this, I hope.

He essentially offered me a choice between lewd (clothes on, but hot) and nude (clothes off, also hot), or both. He made the offer at the start of an evening during which I’d planned to potter around the flat doing not much (i.e. masturbating). So rather than say an immediate ‘yes please’ to both, instead I said:

“Would you be up for sending me the lewd first, then surprising me with the nude a bit later in the evening so I can build up to it?”

AND HE DID. The first pic was exceptionally hot: cock hard and gripped tight through the fabric of his boxers, raphe line clearly visible against the grey fabric (grey fabric is the sexiest, we all know this right?). It was a dick that I can only describe as ‘mouthwatering’. So obviously, I spent the rest of the evening occasionally going a bit weak and wobbly at the thought of what he might send over next.

By the time the second picture pinged through to my phone, I was so excited for it that my cunt fully throbbed at just the sound of the text. Instead of looking at it straight away, this exceptional picture which involved a diamond-hard dick looking taut and shiny and very clearly lubed-up-ready-to-fuck, I took my phone upstairs to the bedroom so I could lie down and… ahem… appreciate it properly.

Him: I found a dick pic I took a while ago – would you like to see it? 

My response: “OMG yes please! Sadly my horn levels are at like 0.03% right now because I’ve been doing sad family shit, and I’m on a train for the next 3 hours, BUT when I get home I’m going to settle in and have a relaxing drink so by that point I will be well up for seeing it. I’ll be home by 8, drunk by 9, so that’s a good window.”

This one worked really nicely, especially because when 9:15 rolled round I’d spent so long casually daydreaming about this guy’s cock that I couldn’t resist sending a follow-up message:

“*taps watch* OK I’m quite horny please may I have a dick pic now?”

You’re going to be disappointed if I don’t tell you what the picture was like, but here goes: it was fucking magnificent. So awesome that later in our discussion (after I’d waxed lyrical about the angle, the pose, the sheer majesty of this guy’s cock) I asked him if I could share it with a friend.

I’d never share anyone’s pictures without their express permission and at the time, I wasn’t entirely sure it was even OK to ask – I’m still calibrating what I am and am not allowed to ask new people. I know consent is key, and I also know that sometimes people say ‘yes’ to stuff that their fave sex blogger asks them just because they want to show they’re ‘game’ to do what she asks. So my question was wrapped in caveats and back-out opportunities galore: “obviously please say ‘no’ if you’re not happy with that, this is an extraordinarily cheeky request, I would never ask a question like this unless I was ready and willing to hear ‘no’…” etcetera etcetera. On top of this, I should be clear that this isn’t a question I’d ask of everyone: regardless of the quality of any given pic, this dude felt like a good person on whom to take a gamble by asking this question, because he’s the kind of thirsty bitch who I thought might get off on the idea of me exhibiting him to my friends like a newly-acquired show pony.

Anyway, I was correct: he said yes. And now he gets the joy of anticipating the messages I’ll send him in return – telling him what this or that person said, when I (consensually) showed them his dick.

When we think of what usually happens when people offer nudes, it’s easy to see it as a brief and simple interaction:

Want nudes? 

Yes pls. 

*sends nudes*

But in fact when someone offers you nudes, that can also work like other kinds of sex, where the joy of the act can be stretched out and enjoyed for ages both before and after the fact. Not just the moment the picture comes through, but the cunt-throbbing build-up as you wait for it to arrive, the wanks you have about it afterwards. And, of course, if you’re anything like me: the stories you tell in the afterglow.