Girl on the Net

I have a bee in my bonnet about the frequency with which sex educators used to tell us ‘condoms fit everyone!’ when we were younger. Technically yes, they are extremely stretchy. But in practice I’ve had many shags which could have been more fun for all involved if we’d had a range of condom sizes to hand – both larger and smaller than standard ones. Every dick is different, and condoms aren’t meant to be something you struggle through in order to get sex, they’re something that should (ideally) fit well enough to be safe and comfortable. This week’s guest blogger – Spit – is here to share his story, and hopefully encourage those of you with dicks to have a play and find a condom that fits you well.

My Cinderella moment – finding a condom that fits

I’ve got a big dick. I was an adult before I realised quite how big. As a teenager, the only cocks I ever saw raised in anger were in porn films, which gave me an unrepresentative sample of phalluses against which to measure my own. After my first girlfriend and I worked through the awkward tangle of losing our PIV (penis in vagina) virginity with each other, she confided that she had been bamboozled by the size of my cock and the logistical implications of inserting it. That didn’t persuade me either. Since then I’ve had an agreeably debauched sex life and seen enough cocks at full mast to know that mine is definitely on the larger side.

I’ve not dated anyone who cares much about size, so there hasn’t been any advantage to having a plus sized member. I’m fond of it: we’ve made some great memories together! But it has its flaws. I was so uncomfortably large for one girlfriend that we gave up on penetrative intercourse despite both our eagerness, for the sake of her cunt. During one under-lubricated girl-on-top session with another partner I snapped my frenulum (the fleshy tether between the foreskin and the glans) and lost a cock’s worth of blood through my bell-end. That day ended with me sat in an A&E waiting room holding a gauze against my wounded cock, clutching it inside my jeans like I was a sex offender. Then there was the trouble with condoms.

Struggling with ‘average’ sized condoms

I had a hate-hate relationship with condoms. They just didn’t want to go on. I struggled with the roll down, then I struggled to stay hard when they were on. There was particular difficulty at the point in the condom’s journey when it rolls over mount glans and reaches the foreskin foothills: a war between my stretchy skin, the bunched up latex and my rapidly withering erectile tissue as I struggled, stretched and cajoled the sleeve down my cock.

I had assumed this was just how condoms were. They’re stretchy – they’re one size fits all. A sex-ed teacher had said that you shouldn’t accept “I’m too big” as an excuse for not wearing a condom, because they could stretch over a phone booth. I honestly doubt the tensile strength of latex would withstand that scale of stretch, but even if it did, a phonebooth is made of steel, not sponge, blood and fucklust.

Plus, everyone knows condoms are shit, right? They’re supposed to be unfun and insensitive and uncomfortable, and you wear them because you’re a good citizen who understands the importance of barrier contraceptives. What’s more, I had already tried increasing the size of the condom I was wearing. After once accidentally opening a ‘trim’ condom in an NHS multipack and having it ping off my bellend like a rubber band I understood that small condoms existed, and therefore large ones must as well. Durex XL and Elite were… better. But they weren’t good.

Finding a condom that fits

To add to miseducation and misinformation, unclear advertising was against me. UK condoms advertise a “nominal width”, 52mm for a Durex basic, 57mm for a Durex XL, and for a Durex XXL… also 57mm. Now if you, like me, are an insufferable nerd with a dick fascination, you might see this as an opportunity to wrap a measuring tape around the nearest available erect penis and use your high-school geometry to calculate the diameter. This is a mistake! The nominal width of a condom isn’t the diameter of the phallus it will fit, it’s the width of the condom if you lay it flat over a ruler: half the circumference, not the circumference divided by pi.

Maybe everyone else knows this, but I only realised when I was 34, just as my sex-life with my long-term partner took a sudden and delightful upswing that made fitting condoms a live concern. I had heard rumours of larger condoms, with diameters of 60mm, 64mm, even 69mm, but with my miscalculations I assumed they were reserved for terrifying cock-ogres with phalluses like siege rams. Nevertheless, in the interest of sheathing my cock without smothering it, I tried on some of Loovara’s condoms for the big and tall gentleman.

To defray any size anxiety and celebrate the beauty of every dick, Loovara’s range isn’t labelled “trim” to “XXL”. Instead they’re named after noble animals of the American frontier, from the svelte Eagle, 47mm nominal width, to the grandiose Moose, 69mm nominal width. Bear is in at 60mm, so if you’re a big hairy gay with a matching cock, there’s a condom with your name on it. I’ve found a condom that fits me well – the Buffalo – which is not only a very comfortable 64mm nominal width, but also named for a graceless brute that reflects my inner lummox. Size queens, if that means I’m over the line on the “you must be at least this big to ride” sign, let me know in the comments. After my own frustrations with poor labelling I know how disappointing false advertising can be.

How does the sex feel? Far better than with a badly fitting condom. It’s not the same level of sensation as bareback, but that’s not strictly a bad thing. I find the most fun parts of sex happen between me and a partner on a personal level, not between our genitals on a mechanical one, and the hair-trigger cumshots that naked penetration often pulls out of me make for an abrupt end to that kind of fun. The main difference is that I’m no longer worried about an uncomfortable condom killing my lust, either during fitting or after a misfit. The ten-condom fuck is now a tantalising challenge, not the likely outcome of repeated condom-induced deflations.

So, was this article an excuse to brag about the size of my dick? Absolutely not. I’m like a proud parent, I think my little guy is special because he’s mine, and I would have bragged as hard if my fitting at Loovara’s cock tailors saw me dressed in a 47mm Eagle or 49mm Raccoon. No, aside from the exhibitionist pleasure of talking about my dick on the internet, this article is to encourage any penis-possessors who have had a rough ride with condoms to go and try out some different sizes. You already know why you should wear one, and finding a better fit might make condom-wearing feel less like a chore and more like something excellent: the starting point to a really good fuck.

This post contains affiliate links, and if you find a condom that fits and buy through those links, you’re helping to support my work and keep me in money to pay excellent guest bloggers like this one. Here’s a direct link to the Loovara condom range. Use the code GOTN10 for 10% off (in the UK and US).