Girl on the Net

I saw something the other day that really tickled me: a screenshot of a message from a guy on an app which promised to make a woman come ‘harder than she ever had before.’ That’s quite the promise, especially from a complete stranger. On every level it’s a silly thing to say to someone who you haven’t even met in the flesh: what if you don’t have compatible chemistry when you actually meet up? What if she struggles with anorgasmia? What if she’s never had an orgasm at all? You’re making so many assumptions, not to mention writing a sex cheque so large that you just don’t stand a hope in hell of cashing it, thus guaranteeing yourself the most awkward morning after of your entire life. The guy sending her a message has to believe not only that he’s better than any other lover she might have had (including those with whom she’d had loads of sex, and therefore loads of practice learning each other’s bodies), but also that he’s better than every single wank she’s had as well. As I say, it tickled me. But rather than write a long post about the follies of being One Of These Guys, I thought I’d have a go at illustrating by example why this is such a silly claim, because last night I had an incredibly powerful orgasm myself, and while lying in the afterglow of that formidable release it occurred to me just how many things had to align in order for such a fiercely brilliant climax to occur. Here’s how to make me come harder than I ever have before.

How to make me come hard

The first thing you need to do is be completely invisible and entirely undetectable to any of my human senses. I mean it: orgasms this powerful just don’t happen when you are in the room. Sorry. Please don’t take it personally, it’s not your fault. It’s years of societal conditioning which has told me I should be ashamed of my body, embarrassed of the faces it makes when it comes, and generally always acutely aware of exactly how I’m positioning it at the time. It’s a result of boyfriends who’ve told me they’d really love to watch me wank, then struggled to hide the disappointment that flickers across their face when instead of fingering myself like the hot girls do in pornography, I reach into my bedside drawer for a dildo and a power tool.

Making me come extremely hard means using tools, that’s an important place to begin. I find it hard to get off without them these days, and I’m one of the lucky ones: for me, a dick counts as a ‘tool’ so when we’re fucking I am often able to come just from penetration. As long as it has something to clench round, my cunt’s happy. But those kinds of orgasms are – even at their absolute best – only about half as powerful as the ones I can achieve if you give me a nicely-curved dildo and a clit vibe I really love.

[Current top favourite clit vibes, because technically this is my job and I should probably do a bit of the ‘work’ side of it at some point: Zumio, Amo, Doxy Bullet. Favourite dildos: Ambit + Morpheus by Godemiche. Click those links for info/discount codes etc etc or head to the sex toys page for more recommendations. The Zumio is my go-to when I’m alone, the other two are staples for partnered fucking, we’ll get onto this later]

The next thing I need, in order to come super-hard, is a fantasy. Something intense and brutal, probably. Aggressively non-consensual or deeply misogynist. Maybe a fresh variation on the free use secretary – I’ve been testing a couple of new scenarios out for her lately because weirdly, now that I’ve written the original fantasies here on the blog, they no longer ‘do it’ for me the way that they used to. In sharing my private wanking filth with all of you, I have accidentally robbed it of its power. I hope you are grateful and shower me with Patreon subs and lovely comments.

I digress, but you get the point: in order to come harder than I ever have before, I need there to be a fantasy that hits a few key criteria. And sadly, you and I ‘acting out’ a fantasy will not do it in the same way. That’s not to say it won’t be incredible, by the way – I would absolutely LOVE to be your free use secretary for the day, getting occasionally railed over a desk or made to suck your cock and then make you coffee. Sounds like a dream. But you’re a human person who exists within a real body, in space and time, with free will, ergo you will never be able to do the things that the people in my head do when it’s time for me to tip myself over the cliff-edge of sexual frustration and into the basejump-freefall-WHOOSH of the most powerful orgasm I’ve ever had in my life.

If I were writing an article for a mainstream magazine about this sort of thing, I’d probably include a section on setting and atmosphere: making sure the environment around me was perfect with soft lighting and candles, phone turned off and curtains drawn and all that sort of stuff. But to be honest, for me, this wouldn’t make a difference to the quality of the orgasm itself, only to the quality of experience. So if you care enough, then sure: clean sheets on the bed are always lovely (and it definitely has to be a bed – not since I was a teenager have I been capable of completing a wank standing up) and my own preference is total darkness, and a decent soundtrack. Angeline from this Holy Moly album on repeat would probably do it, or – naturally – Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah.

Now that you’ve gathered everything, it’s time to get stuck into the wank. There are, broadly, two different things here which have to work in tandem in order to create the most powerful orgasm: the fantasy and the physical actions. I’m going to split the physical actions into two sub-categories – g-spot and clit. Yes, we’re getting nerdy. No, you may not be excused.

Physical actions

Vibe technique

We’re using the Zumio for this because we’re after the most powerful orgasm, and for those the Zumio cannot be beaten. Specifically and notably, the Zumio when it is right at the end stage of usable battery, shortly before I stick it on to recharge. Don’t get me wrong, the Zumio’s great when it’s fully charged and working at tip-top power. But when it’s in that state, it makes me come really hard, really quickly – exactly like the OG Doxy, which has also found a forever home in the penthouse suite of my heart. We’re not talking about ‘guaranteed’ orgasms here, though, or even ‘quick’ ones. We’re talking hard ones. Powerful ones. Intense orgasms. And for those, I need to be edged.

I’m an impatient woman, so deliberately edging myself has always been a challenge. I can manage a step up to the edge of orgasm once or twice at best, getting just close enough that I can almost feel the first waves crashing over me, then pulling the vibe away from my clit and forcing myself to have a little patience. But usually I can only manage a couple of rounds of this before I give up and come anyway. Those orgasms are usually a bit rubbish, because no matter how long I manage to edge for (I once managed four times and was pathetically pleased with myself), I will always finish the wank with a sense of failure, having never quite managed to last as long as I’d hoped.

Not so with the Zumio! When it gets to the final stages of its battery life, it delivers subtly and imperceptibly less power each time you get it out for use. You may not notice this if you’re a Zumio newbie, but I’ve had mine since 2018 and use it most days, so I’m something of a connoisseur. The battery on my Zumio very rarely runs out completely, and it comes with a handy charging cup that you can put it in next to your bed after every use, if you want to keep it topped up to max. I always deliberately let it run down, though, because my best orgasms come from the wanks I have when its struggling to give me the sort of power that would usually have me coming in under 60 seconds. This kind of wank is essentially enforced edging, and it is the BEST.

In terms of actual technique, the key thing with a Zumio is to start right at the base of the clit (always over the clitoral hood – direct clit stim, unless extremely wet and gentle, is usually outright painful) and focused more on the left side of the clit than the right. Many people with clits have a dominant side, one which tends to be more sensitive than the other (most, not all: every body is different) so if you’re shagging someone with a clit and you don’t know whether they have a dominant side (or if so, which it is), asking them could help you to instantly level up your hand-job/oral game. You’re fucking welcome.

As the wank goes on, the parts of my clit which are too sensitive at the start suddenly start clamouring for attention, and pressure, so I’d go from moving the Zumio in small circles or strokes left-and-right over the base of my clit to more targeted strokes down the left hand side of it, between the… shaft?… of my clit. Yeah, let’s go with that… Between the shaft of my clit and the inner labia. Crucially, the Zumio itself is a really pinpoint toy – that’s why I tend to go for the broader rumbles of the Hot Octopuss Amo or the Doxy bullet if I’m placing the toy in the hands of someone else, to use upon me while I ride them. Broader rumbles mean that I can grab your hand and show you roughly the right place to target the vibe, but the sensations travel far enough across and below the skin that it isn’t the end of the world if you’re half a centimetre out. We still have the usual problem that is me flailing and twitching like a fresh-caught salmon if I’m getting banged hard enough, of course, but that’s part of the fun of it. Keeping the Doxy bullet in place is a challenge, but a plausible one.

Not so with the Zumio.

The clit-targeting accuracy required to handle a Zumio perfectly means in order to do it right you have to live in my head. It’s not a skill that any other person can learn, and certainly not one that they’ll be able to pick up by instinct and guesswork alone. I honestly don’t think it’s possible for someone to make me come ‘harder than I ever have before’ unless and until science invents brain-swap (or brain projection) technology. But for what its worth, there you go: base first, for warm-up, then moving down to focus on the left hand side of the clit, eventually ending up by changing the angle at which the Zumio is held so the pinpoint sensations from the tip are usurped by the deeper rumbling of the ‘shoulder’ section on the body of the toy, jammed as tight into the fold between clit and inner labia as its possible to get without snapping the fucking thing.

Got that? OK, good. Let’s move on to what the other hand is doing.

Dildo technique

A good sex blogger would use this as an opportunity to tell you to use lube. If you’re putting toys inside yourself, you should definitely use lube. I don’t though, because I’m lazy and because nothing ruins a good wank for me like having to wipe my fucking hand on something because it’s all slimy. When I was with my ex we used to have a stash of flannels in the bedside drawer, for eco-friendly, super-simple, easy-access clean up of any lube and spaff that might occur during a fuck. Now I’m on my own, though, I don’t bother with lube unless I’m entertaining a gentleman who enjoys the odd hand shandy. When I wank, though, I mostly use spit. Sue me.

The initial slide of a dildo is very important, and needs to come at just the right point in the fantasy I’m conjuring: just after the dominant character has finished beating whoever is functioning as a proxy for me, and become so hard and hungry for a fuck that he holds her down and slides his dick inside. We’ll get to that though. The important thing to note is that I couldn’t just slam a dildo in while I was still in foreplay mode: the warm-up is done with nipple play and the clit vibe. By the time the dildo goes in, that’s when I’m building to the grand finale.

The reason I’m describing these techniques in detail, by the way, is because I want to show just how ludicrous it is for someone to believe that they could make any stranger come harder than they ever have before. Even men who know me – and these techniques – intimately are never able to apply them exactly the way I do: so much of this detail I learned through trial, error and instinct. If you wanted to try and make me come really hard, though, at this point you’d need to slide the dildo in really slowly and firmly before adjusting the angle by pressing down on the base of it (assuming I’m lying on my back, so ‘down’ means ‘towards the bed’ – angling the base towards the mattress so the tip of the dildo is pressed solidly against the front internal wall of my cunt). Once it’s in place, making sure to keep the clit vibe in the right spot at all times, you’d then need to go about gently tugging the dildo into and against my g-spot.

Don’t understand what I mean by this? Don’t worry! Despite being a pretty enthusiastic and prolific wanker ever since I discovered a Sex Book at my Dad’s house as a teen, I didn’t even get to grips with this g-spot technique until I was in my late twenties. Having focused purely on clit stim for most of my life, a friend of mine introduced me to the joys of g-spot stim, then Godemiche gave me an Ambit, and my wanking technique took a noticeable turn for the better. At a party that began as drinks then turned into something sexier, one of my friends was getting wanked off in the middle of the living room with one of my favourite dildos, and as I joined in to have a go she was kind enough to give detailed feedback on the specific technique that might help her make it to orgasm. That ‘pull against the g-spot’ thing is what stuck in my mind, and I’ve been applying it to myself ever since. Also to other vaginas, when I occasionally get the chance to have a go on them.

So if you want me to come ‘harder than I ever have before’, while you’re doing all that clit stuff with the Zumio you also need to be gently tugging the dildo against my g-spot, then increasing the pressure and speed at which you do it, all while pretending to be completely invisible because, as mentioned, with you in the room I simply cannot let go all my insecurities and fears for long enough to allow the purest of orgasms to wash over me.

Fantasy technique

It has to be depraved, it has to be intense, it has to be brutal and humiliating and kinda shameful to remember in the cold light of day. There must be a hot line (or, ideally, a few lines) uttered by the dominant character which utterly humiliate and disrespect whichever submissive character is acting as a proxy for me. The first few of these lines will serve to kick the wank up a gear, nudging me closer to the plateau which exists right at the edge of these enforced-edging Zumio wanks – the plateau that is maddeningly, frustratingly long, but which I love dwelling on regardless.

Above all though, ohhhh above all: it has to feature a borderline inhuman quantity of jizz. Not a comically inhuman quantity, you understand: a firehose of spaff would fail to do the trick, because it’s too cartoonish to actually come to. But there definitely needs to be far more jizz than you get in the average human interaction. The closest I have ever come to the kind of jizz quantity that I really want in fantasies was right at the end of No Nut November when my toyboy managed to spunk with such copious volume that it almost filled me up and then gushed out the sides.

About three times as much as that is perfect.

Why am I telling you how to make me come really hard?

Realistically, you’re never going to be able to do any of this: that’s the point of this blog post. I need men (in fact, anyone who wishes to fuck me) to understand that if you’re trying to conjure an orgasm more powerful than any I’ve had before, you’re on a hiding to nothing. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just a fact. Like the sun will rise tomorrow, and I will never be able to give you a hand job as functionally perfect as the one you can give yourself. I can’t see inside your head, I’m attacking your cock from a different angle to the one you usually use, and I haven’t I built up the muscle memory that you’ve honed over decades of practice.

From this, you can take one of two things away:

1. You will never ever succeed in living up to a promise like ‘I’ll make you come harder than you ever have before’, and therefore you should give up on sex forever and go live in a hole, steeped in shame and misery, reading tweets by Andrew Tate and growing increasingly bitter about women.
2. You will never ever succeed in living up to that kind of promise, so you should stop trying to conjure someone’s ‘most powerful’ orgasm and focus on other things that make sex awesome instead: connection, fun, playfulness, power-play, novelty, surprise, sharing ideas with someone, that feeling you get from knowing there’s another human who thinks your arse looks fantastic… God, so much stuff. So much!

As you know, apart from this one genuinely guaranteed trick to wow your partner in bed, I don’t think there are universal rules on how to please a partner. So there is no way you can ever know if you’re able to make someone come before you’ve met them. Yet for some reason, there are people who still believe that they have magic hands, or a magic tongue, and their technique itself is so good that it will bypass all the things I mention above and somehow introduce a brand new partner to a whole new world of sensation. It’s weird, right? And it doesn’t make for especially good sex. Because all the while you’re fiddling around expecting me to have an orgasm because you’re doing what you used to do to Sandra to make her squirt, you’re ignoring the things that actually matter in this moment: my noises, faces, instructions, movements, and all the things that I’m doing for and with you right now.

When we’re fucking, you’re not invisible, you are in the room. And sure, you won’t be able to make me come as hard as I do when my Zumio’s almost at the end of its battery and I’m imagining getting gang-banged by a team of rugby players all angry and frustrated because they just lost a match but hey! If that’s what I wanted, that’s what I’d do!