Girl on the Net

A lovely woman set me up on a blind date. Yes, my life is like a film now and I’m very grateful for that. How do you reckon the blind date went? For context, I can tell you that I had met this lady precisely once in my life, and during that meeting we’d spoken for less than two hours. She’s a very warm, open person though so our conversation went to fun places really quickly. We commiserated with each other about the terrible state of The Apps these days, and I told her about my dating challenges: why I’m trying to meet men in real life rather than repeatedly bang my head against the brick walls of Feeld and OKC. Three days later, this woman I barely knew texted me: I have a potential date option for you. (Yes I work fast). This magic dating fairy then went on to tell me that the guy in question was funny, sweet, asked questions and that a mutual friend of ours had approved the match. She wanted to know if I was still up for trying out the whole ‘blind date’ idea. I said what you’d expect me to say: Omg seriously?! I am SO IN. Predictions: what do you think?

The first thing to note is that although I didn’t know this badass matchmaking witch very well, and I knew almost nothing about the guy she had selected, I was naturally going to be inclined towards him because he’s willing to say ‘yes’ to something weird. How many of us could truly, hand-on-heart, say we’d agree to a blind date with a random woman who a friend of ours has only spoken to for a couple of hours? I mean, I would, obviously. But I am the random woman. Others might be a little more circumspect.

I know next-to-nothing about this guy. None of the stats you usually get on dating sites (straight/bi, monogamous/polyam, kinky/not kinky, cats/dogs etc). I don’t know where he lives or what he enjoys or what he does for a living. I know fuck-all about the details of his life. But whoever else he turns out to be, this is someone who – when asked if he wants to date someone his friend has only just met – says ‘yes’. So obviously this is a man I want to meet.

The miraculous dating angel made arrangements. She told us almost nothing about each other: just coordinated days, times and locations, gave us each other’s first names, and made sure she was on hand at the start of the night to swap identifiable clothing pictures so we could recognise each other when we walked into the pub.

How well do you think this went? How well, really, could something like this possibly ever go? I’m going to give you a list of things I noticed about this guy, in the order in which I noticed them. See if you can guess, as I go through the list, whether I wanted to escape out the bathroom window or immediately beg this man to finger me beneath the table in the pub.

The blind date

1. He is EARLY for the date. Sitting in a very prominent place, so I don’t have to spend time scouting round to locate him, he’s already there when I arrive. I’m a very anxious person and by nature I am always a minimum of 5 minutes early, taking on the brunt of the stress so that the men I meet don’t have to think about it. But this guy arrived even before I did. I reckon The Guyliner might enjoy this fact.

2. This man is punk. The way he dresses, the way he looks, even his posture is that of a slightly sulky punk teenager. He looks like the kind of boy for whom I would have torn my own heart out and hurled it into the mosh pit at the Reading Festival circa 2002. He has the vibe of a dude who might be willing to throw me onto the bed during the opening bars of NOFX’s ‘Bottles to the Ground’ – an activity that remains lamentably unticked off my sex bucket list (SO FAR).

3. He has a very cool job. It’s something creative and fun like mine, so for the purpose of this blog henceforth just assume he’s a writer. He has given up his day job to pursue a career that is poorly paid and very challenging, but creative and fun and therefore infinitely better than having money and being miserable. Like I did! We can spend time congratulating each other on our weird bullshit beautiful rewarding fabulous fuckwit jobs ❤️

What’s more, the way he told me about his work led me to deduce that he (like me) has a certain amount of pride in it, so I asked him outright: “are you good?” His response was a direct, confident, absolutely knicker-gushing: “oh yeah.”

4. He has loads of tattoos, and that is objectively very beautiful and fuck-it-I’ll-do-what-I-want [HEART EYES EMOJI].

5. [REDACTED] something else extremely hot about his appearance which I’m deeply and instinctively thirsty for, but which I shan’t tell you because I try not to give too much physical description of the men that I fuck. Trust me on this though: it makes me want to lick him.

6. He’s lefty. Actual lefty, as in he seems like he gives a shit rather than just saying the words to be impressive.

7. We have a lot of bands in common. The start of our chat naturally got round to what we’re into – I told him about a festival I had tickets for so we swapped music and there was much nodding and ‘yes, and’-ing. He even knew a relatively obscure musician with whom I am friends (and about whom I wrote this horny blog post). Shared musical taste has never really been a thing for me because I’ve dated a lot of men who have Big Opinions about it, so I always just assume my own taste is bad or wrong somehow, but it was a hot and delightful revelation to share a bit of each other’s taste.

8. Tattoos. Yes, they are going on the list twice. No, I will not apologise for that. He has tattoos. ThEY eMPHasISe hIs fOReArMs.

9. LIVES WITHIN CYCLING DISTANCE OF ME. Absolutely astonishing. Remember, the enchanted Cilla Black who set us up had only ever met me once. She did not know where I lived. Yet she managed to find me a man who is geographically convenient, a feat of which Feeld proved incapable despite knowing my exact fucking location.

10. Funny. OBVIOUSLY. By which I mean ‘compatible sense of humour’ (for those who’ve been paying attention to my dating tips). He laughs at my jokes as well as making me laugh in return. He’s funny.

[BONUS EXTRA INCREDIBLE THING THAT’S GETTING ITS OWN HEADING]

He is not afraid of feelings. He talks about having them, and he enjoys music which features them. He is emotionally articulate in a way that many men I have known have not been, and he has some pretty clear boundaries which he’s more than happy to outline. I enjoy this greatly. It’s reassuring to understand where his ‘no’s might be.

11. Has an extremely nerdy hobby.

12. Asks! Me! Questions!

13. On our second date (yeah we’ve had one of those, honestly if you’ve made it this far through the list you have surely deduced that I’m already unrealistically into this guy and therefore thoroughly on track for a serious emotional pasting later down the line), he messaged me beforehand asking if I had any snack preferences (considerate) and then brought mini pork pies (has excellent taste).

14. Isn’t pushy about trying to shag me really soon. At the end of our initial blind date I told him I try not to fuck on the first date at the moment and he looked at me with genuine surprise and said ‘I wouldn’t expect you to!’ – it made me want to fuck him even more than I already did.

On our second date we discussed him coming back to mine. I said that although I was definitely sound enough of mind that I could consent to a fuck, I was probably a bit too pissed to fuck well, so I would prefer to wait and do it later when I could give it a proper go. He was very respectful of that, and made noises about going home, but when I suggested he come to mine anyway and just make out with me on the sofa, his enthusiasm was palpable. And he was so respectful about it. He responded to me, but never pushed. Allowed me to just go to town on him. It was stunning.

15. Kisses at the speed of consent.

16. I know this doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t, but he’s got a really fabulous cock. Just exquisite. There was a moment as we were making out on the sofa when I was pretty sure we weren’t going to fuck, but then I sat on his lap and ground myself against him… I was extremely sure I wasn’t going to be my best sexual self and therefore so so determined we shouldn’t shag just yet, because I desperately wanted to impress him. But… we made out so beautifully, and I squished my cunt against him and he was really hard… so I rubbed some more and… his cock just felt really satisfying and I was like… hmm OK yeah please can we move this upstairs? I would like to spend some proper time getting acquainted with this.

16a. (Like, LOTS of time. It was as if physics stopped working for a minute and time created a slow motion pre-fuck-montage, just for us.)

17. When I asked him to put on some tunes to accompany our make outs he fired up a band we’d discussed earlier that day, who he knew I enjoyed, and whose music is emotional and intense and absolutely perfect for getting horny to.

18. And I rode his dick.

19. I came multiple times extremely hard. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you so much honestly oh my god yeah.

20. And I know it doesn’t matter but he’s got a great cock.

21. And did I mention his tAtToOs.