When I was young I used to get really pissed off at family events when older relatives would coo “ooh, haven’t you GROWN!”. Yes, Auntie Karen, of COURSE I’ve grown. I was a toddler last time you saw me and now I can read and write and reach the kitchen knives! But now that I’m an adult myself, I understand why grown-ups used to say this. Occasionally someone (or something) will drift out of your life, then return years later in a form so entirely different you simply have to remark upon it. Exclaim: “wow! What the fuck?! How have you changed so much when I am essentially still the same person?!” Let’s talk about the Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen.
Oscillation tech: the original Pulse
For those unfamiliar with the history of this sex toy, back in 2017 the company Hot Octopuss (who – full disclosure – sponsor my website) launched a wand called the Queen Bee, designed for people with vulvas. It was a product that I had been unashamedly thirsting for them to make ever since I first heard about their original toy – the Pulse.
The Hot Octopuss PULSE is a dick toy that uses a really unique technology to deliver oscillations rather than vibrations, and it’s built to wrap snugly round someone’s cock. The tech is adapted from a medical device that was designed to – brace yourselves, because this is COOL AS FUCK – induce ejaculation in people with severe spinal cord injuries, so that they could have children. Amazing, right? Couples who believed that an accident had put paid to their chances of having biological kids were suddenly able to have them. Seriously. If you do not understand how incredible this is, I don’t think you understand the concept. There were people who literally believed that they would never be able to cum again who – thanks to oscillation technology – could now be brought to orgasm! Even when flaccid!
And then a sex toy company went ‘umm hey! What if we made this tech cheaper, sexier, and more accessible?’
One of the reasons I love Hot Octopuss, why I worked with them for many years, and why to this day they sponsor my site… the reason I grit my teeth and bear the fact that they still use annoyingly gendered language on their website… is because of the incredible things they have done for people with disabilities, who are so often sidelined in the sex world. The Hot Octopuss PULSE is not designed purely for people with spinal cord injuries, or those who struggle with extreme erectile dysfunction, but it absolutely has helped thousands and thousands of them, and the company itself does tonnes to kick back against the bullshit idea that sex is exclusively for the young and able-bodied. I love that very much – it is no small thing.
So! Back in 2017 I was working with Hot Octopuss, running their social media and writing blog posts for them and enjoying being paid to talk about wanking on the internet, nagging and nagging and nagging them to come out with a toy that utilised this kickass new technology on people with vulvas. i.e. ME.
For so long I’d been hoping for a way to experience oscillations the way a guest blogger told me they felt for him:
“I was harder than I had been in weeks. My entire body twitching and desperate. Slowly, achingly, I felt myself get closer. For a man who is normally very quiet when wanking, it was a hell of a shock to find myself panting “Oh god” over and over again as I finally came, covering my stomach in spunk and collapsing into a heap on the bed.”
Short version: the dick vibe PULSE will shudder your shaft till you spaff. And I wanted that too, goddammit!
Enter the Queen Bee
As you can imagine, when Hot Octopuss finally launched the Queen Bee, I nearly creamed my pants on sight. I tried it, and was delighted by the genuinely new sensation provided by an oscillating plate rather than a vibrating head. I thought the toy was amazing – I had thirsted for it for so long that I felt blessed and fortunate to be one of the first who got to hump it till I came. I also worked for the company, so although this wasn’t technically my baby, I was as proud of it as you might be of the adorable toddler cousin who charms you at a family event by handing round canapés without dropping them onto the floor.
Unfortunately other sex bloggers… did not agree.
Because I ran Hot Octopuss’ social media, I got to see the reviews coming in. They were… not great.
People totally understood the potential of this toy, but they took issue with everything about it: the material (fair); how loud it was (fair); the shape (fair); the colour (OK look let’s just acknowledge that all the critique was fair, OK?)… The Queen Bee took a cool technology and put it in a product that a lot of people really didn’t like. I liked it, but I’d been wanting it for so long that perhaps I wasn’t as dispassionate as they were.
The Hot Octopuss Queen Bee was decommissioned a while ago and its name has lived on only in other people’s scathing hushed whispers, plus the odd victory lap around my own long-suffering mattress.
Gutting.
I no longer work for Hot Octopuss, but they do still sponsor my site. And they gave me a Pulse Queen for free in exchange for this post (God help them).
The Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen
I hope the waffle above has prepared you to understand my reticence when Hot Octopuss emailed me asking if I’d like to try the Pulse Queen. Although they didn’t say this directly, and they probably won’t thank me for the comparison, my immediate thought was that this would be the ‘new, improved’ iteration of the much-maligned Queen Bee. A sex toy that attempts to do for clits what the PULSE did for dicks.
But this isn’t an upgrade or a better model, gang: it’s a whole new take on that same engineering challenge.
And it delivers!!!!
It… surprises!
It had me yelling WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK as I involuntarily came all over it!!
Sorry if it’s still got bits of quim on it in this picture
I was hoping to welcome this gadget as a ‘better’ version of Queen Bee, but it’s actually almost nothing like the original. The concept has changed so much since the last iteration that we’re in ‘Ship of Theseus‘ territory. Or – if you’ll forgive the analogy – that tiny toddler cousin who you last saw in Christmas 2003 has just rocked up at a family wedding as a fully-fledged adult themselves – complete with fiancée, facial piercings, and a first class degree in mathematics.
Much like that distant relative, the only thing that seems similar is the name [WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE A QUEEN? Gender neutral sex toy names please! Also, just from a marketing perspective, the name you’ve chosen means that for at least the next 6 months when people google ‘Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen review’ they’ll turn up all the bad old Queen Bee ones! It is a silly move! I’m still available for ad-hoc consultancy! Love you!]. Everything else about the toy is different, and I cannot imagine how much work must have gone into fine-tuning every detail.
Here’s what the buttons look like or whatever.
In fact, the Pulse Queen hasn’t just grown up, it’s evolved. It is epically new and incredibly fun. The old Queen Bee took oscillating tech and did its best to wrench it into a shape that might work for people with clits. The Pulse Queen takes that unique technology and thumps it through your clit like you’re sitting, bare-cunted, on the late great Barry White’s larynx.
This toy does what I’d hoped the first one would do, and then some. Here is a video. I NEVER post videos, but I felt like it was worth it. It starts on the lowest setting, then I bumped it up a few. I’ve never taken it higher than this because I fear if I do I might come so hard I tear a hole in spacetime.
It’s a (light!) handheld wand-style toy in (body-safe!) silicone. Beautiful witchy/teal-y green in colour (yay!), with buttons on the handle. When you press the buttons, the pad oscillates in and out, to give a rapid and intense tapping motion. The head is shaped with a peak that does wondrous things when you apply it to the most sensitive part of your clit (where the last one was just a flat-ish pad, this one can be targeted) and if I’m honest there is literally only one way I use it, and I think it’s the fucking best.
The best way to use the Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen
I like internal stimulation on my g-spot as well as on my clit, so as a general rule when I wank I use either a Zumio (targeted clit-stim) in combination with a Godemiche Ambit dildo, or a Doxy (broad, thuddy clit stim) in combination with… a Godemiche Ambit. I just really fucking love my Ambit, OK? Like potato waffles or cheap white wine, it basically goes with everything.
So I normally go for clit stim plus an in-and-out motion with the Ambit. But with the Pulse Queen, I target the thuddy vibrations not just to my clit but also to the dildo. I can angle it so that the most acute, pointy … point… of that toy sits just to the left of my clitoris (the most sensitive part, fact-fans!) and the base of the oscillating plate touches the silicone cock.
KERBLAM. I come.
Sorry, did you need more build up? Well, you’re not fucking getting any – that’s how it works when I use the Pulse Queen this way. The combination of oscillations on my clit and my g-spot make me come extremely quickly. When I’m sober, they’ll do it in a heartbeat. I deliberately had a go with this when I was Extremely Not Sober – the time when I am most likely to rub myself raw before I finally get there (but I do usually get there, I’m determined like that) – and even when I was Fucked Off My Face I still made it with energy to spare when I jammed the Pulse Queen between my trusty dildo and my aching vulva.
Don’t believe me? I wrote this section while drunk! And I’m off to have another wank right now!
…
Still works. BAM.
It isn’t just me…
I don’t normally link to someone else’s sex toy write-up from my own, because – cards on the table – if you like the toy I always hope you’ll buy it through my own links, so I get credit and kudos from my sponsor, Hot Octopuss. But my opinion on the original Queen Bee went so far against the grain that I feel I should probably give you another source on this one, so you can decide for yourself.
Here’s a blogger whose work I respect hugely: Girly Juice (I LOVE YOU SO MUCH PLS HAVE ME ON YOUR PODCAST I PROMISE I’LL TRY TO BE COOL). And here’s what she said about the Pulse Queen…
I really love this toy, in a way that has made me remember why I started writing about sex toys in the first place. It makes me smile. It makes me moan. It makes me feel fired up for a future where everyone can access pleasure if they want to, regardless of their gender, anatomy, or (dis)ability level.
But most of all, it makes me come really, really hard – and given the relative scarcity of pleasure in our chaotic world right now, I appreciate that more than ever.
Don’t trust me, trust Girly Juice. She knows what she’s talking about. I’m just a horny fool who loves wanking.
Need more? Here’s another amazing review by one of my sex industry heroes – Joan Price! Not only does she rate the Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen for rumbly joy, she also rates it highly for accessibility – especially handy if you struggle with fiddly buttons on other sex toys, for instance if you have arthritis or other dexterity challenges.
The experience is exquisite. The whole vulva reverberates with sensation, and I feel it deep in my body, not just surface level. The secret is the combination of rumble and oscillation, which is more intense than simple vibration. The technology is the same as the PulsePlate Technology™ in the Pulse penis toys which have delighted many a frenulum.
See?
It retails for 99.95 – in pounds, Euros, or US dollars.
Buy the Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen using Girly Juice’s affiliate link.
Buy the Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen using Joan Price’s affiliate link.
I don’t really mind which you use, I just want you to come really hard if that’s what you’re after. If you have a dick, go get the original Hot Octopuss PULSE from here. If you also like shoving things up your arse, try the Plex because that also rocks my world. And it’s thuddy and good and oh fuck I should totally have a go at putting that inside me while I fuck my boyfriend – someone remind me to do that when I get the chance. If you like smaller vibes, go for the Amo bullet vibe – another terrible name, another of my staple favourite toys, I just don’t use it much at the moment because I lost the charger like a fucking fool. Someone remind me to get a new charger too, please.
Share this post if you like it! I hope Hot Octopuss don’t tell me off for writing it drunk! It was very important for research.