I’m so delighted to welcome this guest blogger back – he wrote a fabulous post towards the end of last year about sex and disability, and the value of focusing more on a sexual journey than the destination. It’s a gorgeous piece, please do check it out. Today he’s back with a recommendation – an idea for a playful use of sex tech that could help some people defeat that pernicious inner voice that whispers about inadequacy. Because sometimes sex toys really are ‘toys’ – they help us understand that sex is supposed to be fun. And while we’re having fun, that inner voice sometimes goes quiet…
Can sex tech help defeat feelings of inadequacy?
I have always been fascinated with technology. One of my favourite characters in Star Trek: The Next Generation is Mr Data, the android who yearns for human emotions, played by Brent Spiner.
I could not function without technology to assist me in my day-to-day living, whether via my electric wheelchair or my ceiling tracking hoist which transfers me from my bed to my electric wheelchair and from my electric wheelchair to the toilet and vice versa.
I remember a couple of years ago, I paid to spend some time with a professional companion, but as her visit approached I struggled to feel empowered about the upcoming visit. These feelings are individual to me, there is no right or wrong way to feel. I can only speak about my experience, but I felt a little… off.
I decided to become an explorer of my inner emotional architecture. Asked myself: why did I not feel that frisson of anticipation?
After sitting with this feeling, desperate to put a label on it, an old friend whispered in my ear… “you know my name, it’s me, your old friend inadequacy. I am a friend to every human being during their lifetime.”
Society’s view on sexuality gives everyone inadequacy, an inexhaustible source of energy that means we will never be rid of inadequacy. And I believe I felt it then more than most.
How could I, with my disability, give my companion a nice time? It is always my intention to try and make sure my companion is having a nice time, but with my limited physical movement this can be nigh on impossible.
“Sexuality can be difficult to articulate, and we have to be patient and compassionate.”
– Tan France
Can sex tech help?
I wondered whether technology could come to the rescue. After a while of searching, I settled on a possible solution: a Lovense smart vibrator that can connect to a mobile phone via Bluetooth.
The mobile phone owner can control the intensity of the vibrations, and you can even create your own patterns of vibrations just by using your finger on the touch screen of your phone.
I quickly made contact with my companion to see if that was OK with her, and I bought the expensive lube to go with it: as someone who has a suprapubic catheter I know the value of an expensive lube.
I felt like it was an authentic two-way communication process: I used my phone, we both laughed and we both experienced pleasure. I felt part of the pleasure feedback circle! The technology enabled me to feel connected to the experience in an entirely new way. I wasn’t just observing, I was participating.
I haven’t used the app for a few years – I let my companion keep it.
One thing that I keep thinking about though… you used to be able to link your Spotify account to the app. I don’t know whether this is still possible. The toy would vibrate to the corresponding beats of your chosen song or your curated playlist.
I was tempted to play the song Ace of Spades by Motorhead. At the time I thought this would be unfair, but wouldn’t it be fun?
Huge thanks to this guest blogger for the advice. This isn’t a sponsored post but if you’re interested in trying something similar, here are a few products from my sponsor companies that have smart features, allowing you to control the vibrations via an app…
Wearable panty vibrator (£90.99 RRP, use code GOTN10 for 10% off)
Insertable smart vibrator (suitable, I think, for both prostate and vaginal play – £106.99 RRP, use code GOTN10)
Smart cock ring ($63.53)
Smart rabbit vibrator (tested by me)
Lovense smart sex toys (a whole range, of which this guest blogger chose one!)
For news and info on the latest in the world of sex tech, Sex Tech Guide is an absolute treasure-trove of info!
There are plenty of options depending on the kind of stimulation you’re after and the budget you’ve got to play with! Buying from these links helps keep this site running.