Girl on the Net

I like running unusual competitions, especially if they produce cool results – like the competition from last year where people drew visual representations of their own orgasm and came up with some awesome imagery. Or the competition the year before where people described their orgasm, and there were some beautiful stories.

We’ve done pictures, we’ve done words, this competition is about sounds.

When I first experienced the awesomeness of the Doxy massager, I recorded the weird and varied sex noises that I made with it, then published them in a blog post. So, given my love of weird competitions, I thought I’d see if I could collect some examples of the funnest, hottest sex noises. Grunts, sighs, moans, screams of delight, words you shout when you reach the point of climax: whatever floats your specific boat.

To enter this competition, all you have to do is record your best sex noise. Hot, funny, unusual: any sex noise you like. It doesn’t have to be real (and ideally it isn’t) – just channel your best Meg Ryan and have at it.

Check out the Ts and Cs below, then call one of these numbers:

The competition is closed now – thank you to everyone who entered! You can see all the finalists here

If you’d rather record on your computer/phone and send me an MP3 file, that’s OK, but your recording must be less than 30 seconds long, and when you email it you must include a username that you’re happy to be identified by (i.e. a screen name/pseudonym). TBH it’s easier for me if you do the phone thing, and also more fun because I wrote a script for the robot voice.

Whoever wins the public vote will get one of each of these sex toys:

• The Doxy massager (love of my life)
• The Doxy Skittle (brand new, and awesome as fuck)
• The Pulse (innovative cock toy, which someone once described as ‘like something Batman would wank with’)

And, because the people from Hot Octopuss and Doxy are lovely, they’re offering some runners-up prizes too. So the winner will get one of each, and two runners-up (as decided in the vote) will also win sex toys – they get to choose one of the three toys listed above, depending on what takes their fancy.

If you don’t want to join in the comp, but you want the toys, pick them up from my sponsor SexToys.co.uk and you can get 10% off if you use the code GOTN10.

How to enter the sex noises competition

Call the number – you’ll hear a message, then it will prompt you to record your awesome sex noise. When you’ve finished recording, you’ll get a text which will send you to a form so you can fill out your details and claim your entry, so you need to ring from a phone that can receive SMS – i.e. a mobile or one of those fancy land lines that gets texts too. You don’t need to be identifiable (unless you happen to shout your full name and address at the point of orgasm) so if you would like to pick a pseudonym or alias that is totally cool. But please make sure you claim your entry – you’ll get one reminder text before the end of the comp if you forget, but if you don’t claim it by the 27th your entry won’t count (because I won’t know how to contact you!). Equally you have the option to include a link/Twitter handle if you’d like to be showered with glory, or if you have a website/book/film to promote and you’d like me to link to it. If you’d rather send an MP3 file, that’s OK too but your entry will only be counted if you include a username too.

The comp will close at midnight on the 27th October (UK time), or (because it costs money to take the recordings and keep the phone line up) when I’ve received 100 calls – whichever comes sooner. So if you’re wavering, enter now to make sure you get a chance.

I’ll pick ten finalists, then open those up to public vote. Voting will be open for a week, and whoever gets the most votes gets all three toys. Two runners up will get to pick one of the three. Terms and conditions are below, but the most important thing is: please only call the number if you are over 18 and you are happy for me to publish your noise.

Weird? Yes. Fun? I think so. Will anyone enter? I have no idea, but let’s find out.

Call me:

The competition is closed now – thank you to everyone who entered! You can see all the finalists here

Terms and conditions

1. Competition is open to entrants over the age of 18, in the UK and United States.

2. Competition opens on 12 October and closes at midnight on 27 October or once 100 calls have been recorded (whichever comes first). Finalists will be announced on 3rd November and voting closes at midnight on 9 November (UK time). Winners will be notified by email within 1 week of the competition closing.

3. Prize for the winner is one Doxy massager, one Doxy Skittle and one Pulse (Duo or Solo). Two runners up may select either a Doxy massager, a Doxy skittle or a Pulse (Duo or Solo). No cash alternative.

4. Finalists will be selected by Girl on the Net, and winners will be chosen based on the finalist with the highest number of eligible votes.

5. By entering you confirm that you are over 18 and are willing to have your entry published on girlonthenet.com alongside the name or pseudonym you have put on the entry form.

6. Your contact details will not be published, but by entering you consent to your details being used by third parties for the purposes of administering the competition and delivering prizes if you win.

7. To enter, call one of the published numbers or email an MP3 file (less than 30 seconds long) to hellogirlonthenet [at] gmail [dot] com. Phone entrants must claim their entry by filling out the form sent to them by SMS. Email entrants must provide a username by which they’re happy for their noise to be identified.

8. Any entries which contain abuse/threats will be disqualified.

Possible questions about the sex noises competition

How long does the sex noise have to be?

You get thirty seconds – use as many or as few as you need.

Is the comp open in my country?

It’s only open to people in the UK and the US, I’m afraid. There are loads of reasons for this, including the fact that the phone numbers cost money and time to set up so doing one for each country would take ages/cost a mint. Every time I run a comp I’m sad when I can’t open it to everyone, but I’m a one-woman band, and although I do my best I can’t open to everyone this time. I picked the US and the UK because they’re the two biggest countries in terms of traffic to my blog, and I’m really sorry to disappoint if you’re outside those countries.

Why the phone numbers?

It’s the easiest way to collect entries all in one place, automate the ‘thank you’ messages, limit length of the recordings, and make it so that people can enter without having to faff around with audio programs. I’d prefer you to enter this way but as the phone calls cost money (or free minutes if you have them) obviously there’s a free entry route too. It’s up to you – I’m not going to go ringing you up or anything, and I will delete your details as soon as the comp is over.

Can I enter more than once?

I’d rather you didn’t, but realistically if your noises sound different enough and they come from two different numbers/email addresses I won’t be able to tell.

Does it have to be a real sex noise, like do I have to actually be having sex while I record it?

No! And in fact I’d rather it wasn’t because that potentially makes this crowd-sourced porn, rather than just a fun thing to do to mark the days until death. So feel free to act. Imagine. Embellish. Whatever you like. Having said that, I obviously won’t know what you’re doing at the time, so you could just be recording the noise you make while you’re pooing, or your delighted shriek when you find a pound down the back of the sofa. That’s half the fun.

Isn’t this a bit weird?

Yes. I like competitions that are fun to enter. In the past I’ve asked for descriptions of orgasms and pictures of orgasms: asking for the sound of orgasm feels like a logical next step.

Finally…

As a general rule running competitions is a huge pain in the arse, and every time I run one I end up cocking something up. Competitions are hard, and I’m always terrified that I’ll do them wrong or people won’t like them or what have you. Basically what I’m saying is I really hope you like this. If any aspect of entering doesn’t work for you, please do let me know at hellogirlonthenet at gmail dot com.