Girl on the Net

Two things this week, to power you through Monday with a combination of fun and frustration. This week we’re looking at relationship listicles, and why they’re about as helpful for your relationship as those quizzes they used to print in Just Seventeen magazine, and then some excellent news about virtual reality porn.

The bad: Relationship listicles

I spotted this relationship listicle a couple of weeks ago, so I’m cheating a bit by including it on this week’s run. But it was frustrating enough that I couldn’t let it slide. Bustle (which sometimes has great stuff, FYI) published a list of 45 little ways to know that your relationship is toxic.

Some of them I’d agree with. For instance:

2. They don’t want you to have friends.

That is pretty toxic. I’ve known plenty of people in the past who’ve fallen in with someone who has gradually eroded their friendship groups, and it’s not a good thing. Friendships are incredibly important, and a partner who persuades or coerces you into ditching your friends when you need them? Blergh.

However, the word ‘toxic’ is a really strong one, and it’s something I’d rarely use about someone else’s relationship unless there was a big red flag warning. It’s hard to know other people’s contexts, and what they’re like behind closed doors.

So here are some things on the list of ‘toxic’ behaviours that I think are actually ‘standard things many humans do when they are sad/insecure/making mistakes/vulnerable/have mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression/insert your own reason here.

9. They take jabs at what you wear

Any kind of ridicule is really toxic.

I can, perhaps, give them a pass on this one because it’s an American list, and I know that across the pond you’re often (though not always) more sincere about things than we are. I’ve certainly had friends from the States who are baffled at the seemingly horrible ways my partner and I talk to each other.

But in all seriousness if I and my partner couldn’t occasionally gently ridicule each other, joke about a particularly inappropriate outfit, or exchange insults (“You’re a dickhead.” “No, YOU’RE a dickhead.” “Well in our survey of 100 people, 78% of them said you have a dick on your head.”) then I would be miserable as fuck.

16. They forget things that are important to you

We all do this. ALL OF US. Humans aren’t perfect. The point after this says ‘they ignore things that are important to you’, and that’s far more of a marker of selfishness, I think, than simply being a human with a rubbish human brain that sometimes fails to remember stuff.

23. You dream about being with someone else a lot

What counts as ‘a lot’? Like, more or less than twenty times a day?

It’s cool, though, he has similar dreams and we’re comfortable accepting that both of us like boning people, and neither of us went through a ‘fantasies about other people detox’ when we fell in love with each other.

This one is massively open to interpretation:

7. You can’t get a hold of them when you need them.

Sure, if you can’t get hold of them for something important that they promised they’d help with, that’s shit. But insisting that you should be able to get hold of your partner whenever you want, regardless of what they’re doing? I think that’s pretty toxic itself.

And then there are these points…

6. You feel on edge all the time

8. You’re not sleeping well

25. You constantly feel guilty

36. You brew, rather than speak

38. You are always stressed

41. You’re getting sick a lot

42. People who love you are concerned

I’m dealing with these as a bundle, because they could easily double as ‘things I have been asked to tick boxes for during therapy.’ I feel all of these things, and have all of these things, on an almost permanent basis. It’s got nothing to do with my partner and everything to do with my mental health.

So here’s where I get to the conclusion: there is lots of great stuff online that can help you examine your own relationship. Articles that encourage you to ask questions and consider how you feel. I think listicles are far and away the wrong format in which to do this. I understand that they make great clickbait, but – like the tickbox quizzes in Just Seventeen magazine (“Is your best friend in love with you? Answer these seven questions to find the answer!”) the format requires you to strip out all nuance and context in favour of brief, emotional commands. Do this. Remember that. Never put up with the other.

Relationship listicles are like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. And – worse – that nut might not even have needed cracking. For much better relationship advice, articles such as this one on power dynamics within relationships are far more helpful. Rather than comparing yourself to a tickbox list of what could be problems for someone else, they encourage you to think about how your relationship is affecting you.

The good: virtual reality porn searches up 10,000%

Percentage increases must always be taken with a little pinch of salt – after all, it’s easy to achieve a 10,000% rise on a relatively low number. But lots of sources today are reporting that Google searches for virtual reality porn are increasing at a staggering rate. This definitely counts as good news to me – as a massive fan of sex tech, I’m personally really keen for everyone to try virtual reality porn, because I think it has huge potential.

I’d like to see virtual reality porn come down in price – not just for consumers (although it’s pretty low already – you can pick up a VR headset for less than £20 and just slot your phone into it) but also for porn producers. At the moment VR porn is mostly dominated by the mainstream porn industry, but with a tech that has so much potential in terms of putting the user right at the heart of the action, I’m excited to see what indie producers can do with it.

Oh, and I’d also like someone to make my virtual reality porn room fantasy come true, please.