Girl on the Net

Have you ever been in the middle of something super hot only to have the person who was enthusiastically moaning two minutes earlier suddenly let out a snore? Congratulations, you’re definitely not alone. Between 40-50% of people I surveyed have fallen asleep during sex.

Earlier this week, someone commented on a blog post I wrote about blow jobs, explaining that a partner had previously fallen asleep on them while being sucked off. The experience put them off blow jobs a bit, so worried were they that their technique had a soporific effect. But I enjoy reassuring people that they’re not alone when it comes to sex experiences, so I’m delighted to announce that I have also had people fall asleep on me during sex. More than once. What’s more, I’ve definitely fallen asleep during sex myself.

Let’s start with the numbers, because sometimes sheer volumes can be reassuring. Here are the Twitter polls:

Help me gauge how common this is: ever been engaged in sexiness and your partner has fallen asleep part way through?

— Girl on the Net (@girlonthenet) January 2, 2017

Additional poll: have YOU ever fallen asleep part way through doing sexy things?

— Girl on the Net (@girlonthenet) January 2, 2017

While it’s well worth noting that a Twitter poll is far from a rigorous scientific study, it’s also worth noting that the kind of people who follow me on Twitter are likely to be at the ‘slightly hornier’ end of the spectrum. After all, they put up with my excessive tweeting about dick, and they retweet some of the filthier blog posts I write here. In short: these are not people who find sex boring or soporific.

Yet over 40% of them have had a partner fall asleep during sexytimes, and even more have fallen asleep themselves.

The most soporific hand job

Let me paint you a picture. It’s late on a Thursday night. And by ‘late’ I mean ‘witching hour’ – four or five in the morning, long after human people have gone to bed but just before birds wake up. Dawn is threatening to break, and my over-stimulated brain is beginning to hum with those first waves of panic that I’ve ruined tomorrow by overindulging tonight. But I don’t want to sleep yet, because I’m horny.

After a night of enthusiastic, drink-and-experiment-fuelled fucking, my partner is pretty sleepy. We tumble into bed and he pulls me into a sweaty hug that smells like cunt and come. He rests a hand around my shoulders and I can feel it still sticky with lube. Lazily, I wrap one of my hands round his cock. I’m not tired yet, and his dick twitches hard as he whispers that he’s still horny.

Eager to continue what we’ve been doing, and reluctant to let dawn put an end to an otherwise excellent night, I start whispering a sexy story. It’s pretty good, even if I do say so myself. We’re the stars of the show, but there’s a large cast. The women who take it in turns to suck him, the men who bend me over and fuck me while I watch what’s happening to him. The spit and jizz and lube and… oh, everything. It’s a good story. As I whisper it to him, I stroke his dick. I build pace and rhythm to go with what I’m saying. Hot words in his ear, my warm hand around his solid cock. He moans slightly to encourage me to continue, and I get faster and more vigorous as my erotic tale progresses to a butter-lubed, orgastic climax.

And then he lets out a snore.

At that moment I could be really annoyed. Humiliated, even, that my incredible tale has had the opposite of the desired affect. Alternatively, I could remind myself that this incident is an almost direct copy of something else that happened six months ago. I remove my hand from his dick, have a quick, frustrated wank of my own, then settle down to try and fall asleep.

Why would you fall asleep during sex?

In this case, he was tired because we’d been up late doing filthy things. Personally, I’ve fallen asleep during sex for similar reasons, or on occasion because I was drunk. The 40-50% of people who have done similar may have other reasons. Drugs, I understand, can make you a little sleepier or more likely to pass out than you’d normally be if you were sober. There are other factors too – if you’ve just run a marathon you might be keen on a blow job but unable to keep your eyes open long enough to truly enjoy it. I imagine if I’d run a marathon I might just never want to move my body again, and the resultant statuesque stillness might mean I’d close my eyes at the drop of a hat.

If someone falls asleep on you, it’s most likely not your fault – and it’s certainly nothing to beat yourself up over. If you’re drinking and shagging, or doing drugs and shagging, then of course you need to be extra sure that your intoxicated partner is definitely up for doing stuff – better people than me have explained body language, communication and consent. And of course if someone does fall asleep, then when you realise they have you need to either stop what you’re doing or tap them on the shoulder if you think they’d appreciate being woken up to continue.

But you don’t need to torture yourself with worries that your sexual skills are abnormally narcotic – on the contrary, falling asleep during sex is a fairly common thing. And if your sadness about the incident is purely because you’re embarrassed about the situation, let me see if I can tell you a story that might take the sting out for you.

Bags of fun

It’s at least 10 years ago now, I think. I’m shagging a guy who is so hot that no matter how tired I am, I cannot resist his raised eyebrow and offer of a quick fuck. We’re at a party, but we’ve bagged a room – one of the hosts is away, or shagging one of their housemates. I can’t remember which, but I’m grateful. Hot Guy and I tumble excitedly onto the bed, rip off each other’s clothes, and with a fervent enthusiasm that matched our first ever time, we pulled and frotted and rubbed and licked and … fell deeply and comfortably asleep.

When I woke in the morning, I was lying naked on the bed with my feet planted on the floor. He – also butt-naked – was asleep in a bizarre kneeling position, head resting on my stomach and arms trapped beneath my spreadeagled thighs. I had about two minutes in which to lie there peacefully, wondering how we managed to both fall asleep at the same time, before my phone went off. It was one of my friends.

“So sorry,” she began. “I needed to get my bag last night to get home. You looked so peaceful I didn’t want to wake you up.”

Apparently she’d knocked at the door and got no answer. So after agonising over what to do, she decided not to wake us. On careful tiptoe, she’d traversed the cluttered bedroom, stepped over the tangle of naked limbs, picked up her bag and left as quickly as possible.

Normally episodes like this end with ‘we never spoke of it again’, but that would be a lie. Both she, and the guy I was with, dined out on that story for years.

Now I’ve had my money’s worth from it too.