I stumble in the front door, drenched to the skin from a long and glorious cycle through central London, fighting the downpour and dodging past Boris bikes, punk tunes blasting into my left ear. Exhausted and satisfied and aching all over: my cunt hurts from getting well and truly fucked. As I walk in, I’m accosted by my conscience, who is as steaming angry as I am post-fuck happy, with the words ‘you fucked your ex’ on its lips.

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Life is hard and haunted. The world is a mess, I am a mess. But I cannot just focus on the darkness and the panic: in order to keep driving forwards through the tricky stuff, I need to fill my tank with occasional joy. So I text a guy I vaguely know and I ask him to bring me tequila. And his dick.

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Music and memories: some songs have such a powerful connection to certain memories that I cannot hear them without getting horny. Or sad. Or excited about someone I haven’t seen for years. I’ve talked before about what music can do – from putting you off shagging if a terrible track comes off on a sex playlist to making me want to use your cock just cos I did so the last time this song came on. Today, I’m delighted to welcome back an incredible guest blogger – @OxyFromSg who writes erotica with Phedre Sinclair at this blog right here. Here in my little corner of the internet, Oxy has already delighted us with tales of DIY gloryholes and weird wanks – to share some hot memories, and the music that helps bring them out.

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It’s really fucking shit, let’s start with that. Lockdown continues/escalates across the UK, to varying degrees of clusterfuck depending on where you are. One thing is certain: at some point you’ll be trapped at home, bored and miserable and longing for the Before Times. To try and ease the misery, and plug the awesome companies who support my site, here’s a quick rundown of some sexy things to keep you entertained through the oncoming horror show.

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Look look! I’ve found it! After years of sifting through terrible dating ‘systems’ and advice that amounts to ‘treat women like they’re vending machines‘, I think I’ve found the worst online dating strategy of all time. One that misses almost every conceivable mark. Are you ready? Here it is…

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