This story was written based on a suggestion from someone over on Patreon. Come support me there if you’d like to make suggestions for other blog posts, and massive thanks to the person who suggested this topic. The ‘bottomless’ look is very popular in my house, although here we call it ‘top no bottoms’. Or rather, my partner excitedly yells ‘top no bottoms!!’ if I walk into a room wearing a t-shirt and no knickers, and plonk my naked arse onto the sofa. That’s why this one’s written with love as well as horn. Hope you like it.

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Inevitably, as a writer I am a big fan of telling people to ‘write it down’ – their problems, their worries, their hopes and above all their filthy fantasies. So imagine my grin of delight when this week’s guest blogger – Jamie Beckenstein – got in touch to offer a post about the joy of writing sexy letters. Yeah, letters. Not emails or texts or WhatsApps: letters. As well as offering trans sensitivity training for erotic writers (get in touch if you’d like to Jamie’s help figuring out the world of trans sex cultures and mis/conceptions about hormones!), they also run the Rail Mail instagram account, where you can get in touch to buy sexy letters of your own. Handwritten, filthy, ink-on-page smut. Swoon. Why sexy letters though? What special magic do words on a physical page have? That’s what this week’s guest blog is all about…

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It’s Masturbation Month! You know what that means? It means that I get to spend a very pleasant afternoon cooking up dirty stories with which to entertain and inspire you to wank (if you want to), while simultaneously showing a bit of well-deserved love to the excellent companies that sponsor my site and support my work. Regular readers will know that a similar hot wank fantasies exercise last year turned out to be one of the most popular posts of 2019, perhaps because all the stories are short flash fiction so I can let my inner pervert run wild. I thought I’d do the same thing this year, with a few stories that have a lockdown-lust flavour.

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I know it’s irrational, I know it sounds silly. I know there is no ultimate benchmark of behaviour whereby one could draw a line that divides people into conclusive ‘good’ or ‘bad’ categories. I know that it’s needlessly patronising – infantilising, even – and that by accepting the label I put myself in a position that’s wildly at odds with the feminist principles that guide the rest of my life. But still: I want you to tell me I’m a very good girl.

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Today’s guest blogger is Carolyn Busa – a writer/comedian who grabbed my attention with her previous incredible piece ‘I want to be fucked like latte art.’ Go check it out, because it’s fabulous, and then pop back here to read today’s funny Sex Toy Story, written from the perspective of a magic wand. I’m especially delighted to bring you wank-focused stories because it’s Masturbation Month at the moment. So read this excellent guest blog, follow Carolyn on Twitter or Instagram, and if you’re Pixar, please don’t sue.

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