Please welcome back sex toy correspondent Luke aka @Beardynoise! He dropped by in May to give you the run-down on his favourite ever masturbator – the Tenga Flip Hole – and now I’ve asked him back to offer up some more sex toy recommendations, alongside giving a run-down of different ways to masturbate. Today: the business wank, the danger wank, and procrasturbation… 

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This erotic fiction is the next in the emotional fucks series and OH MY GOD did I enjoy writing it. Previous fucks have included the pity fuck, spite fuck and rebound fuck – today we’re embarking on a hate fuck.

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Today’s guest blog comes in the form of some sad and beautiful heartbroken poems. Huge thanks to SN, who dropped me an email last week with these. I hope you find them as touching as I did.

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I have two questions for you. First one: if there was a dodgy step on the staircase in your house, how long would it take you to fix it? Let’s say that the step itself is mostly irritating, but occasionally dangerous. You have to remember to jump over it every time you go up or down stairs, but sometimes you forget and your foot just plunges straight through, causing you to twist your ankle, or worse. When close friends and lovers come round to visit you, they often get trapped by your dodgy step, then extract themselves and help you patch it up. Most of them recommend you call a carpenter. So, first question is: how long would it take you to get it fixed? Question two: how’s your mental health lately?

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Are you on the verge of falling in love? Is there someone you look at who makes you feel dizzy, like you’ve suddenly taken a deep lungful of air at the top of a mountain and you have to look around for a bench or a rock to sit down on in case you topple off? Yeah, don’t fall in love with them. Run the fuck away.

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