All Posts – Page 170
All the times I definitely did not fuck in that hot tub
“Greetings friends! Welcome to this lovely rented lodge! Isn’t it gorgeous? And we got it for such a bargain! Just call me the Queen Of Booking Getaways That Just Happen To Have Hot Tubs. It’s so lovely to hang out with like-minded people, who all know there’s far more fun to be had in a house with people you love than a hotel where you could bump into a stranger at any minute. Before we kick off this mini-break by opening the prosecco, there’s just one thing I’d like to make clear: we might have arrived two hours before you did, but we definitely didn’t fuck in that hot tub.”
Can you wank for an hour without stopping?
I recently read a piece by Suzannah Weiss in Bustle in which she attempts to wank for over an hour. As a speedy and functional wanker, I thought this would be an interesting challenge to attempt. And seeing as I’d just been given a Mysteryvibe Crescendo – an almost infinitely customisable vibrator that comes with lots of different vibration patterns out of the box – I figured I had an excellent tool with which to have a go. So here goes: wanking for an hour, non-stop. Feel free to fire up your favourite porn and wank along with me.
A daydream about getting spanked with a hairbrush
He’s never really spanked me with a hairbrush. Hasn’t even picked it up from my dressing table while I’m peering into the mirror to do eyeliner, then delivered a playful, thudding whack onto my jeans-clad bum before we leave on a night out. But that doesn’t mean a girl can’t dream.
This post contains corporal punishment and elements of consensual non-consent.
Dating advice: the one drink bailout
A long time ago, when I used to date, I had a pet theory about how to make dating a little less arduous: the ‘One Drink Bailout.’ It was published as a guest blog for a fellow blogger – who, incidentally, wrote me a beautiful guest blog on crushes in return – but his blog is now offline, so the post has disappeared. It’s one of the posts I’m asked about most often, and today someone told me they were trying to find the link but couldn’t, so I said I’d repost it here. I wrote it back in 2012 so I’m not sure how it’s aged, but if you like it feel free to add it to your dating profile if you’re sick of spending long evenings on dates you know aren’t going anywhere.
I will never manage to give a ‘death grip’ hand job
The other day, when I was giving my partner a lazy hand-job in the bath, I realised that although I have watched him wank countless times, I have never fully understood one thing about his masturbation technique: how hard he squeezes. In the process of getting him to show me I learned why they call it the ‘death grip.’