In case you hadn’t seen it from literally every sex toy company you follow on social media (what do you mean you don’t follow sex toy companies on social media? Go follow some of my sponsor companies, immediately!) May is Masturbation Month. For wankers like me, that means it’s the same as any other month, only we have to write content to hit the specific keyword ‘Masturbation Month’ or we’ll get beaten in Google searches by terrible magazine articles that offer wanking tips you already knew. ANYWAY. In my quest for Masturbation Month material, I thought I’d write you a list of some of my favourite kinds of wank.

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Remember a few months ago when I turned my Fleshlight Launch into a spunk-milking machine? Well, I decided I needed a new project, so I got stuck in to some more kinky DIY: turning my coffee table into a customised spanking bench. I’ve wanted something like this for a while, but buying nice, heavy, padded furniture to get thoroughly fucked on can seriously bugger your wallet. A proper bondage horse can set you back over $1,000 (about £740) and even just a flat, padded BDSM board that you could put on a table somewhere costs nearly $300 (£220) So I wanted to see if I could do it cheaper myself.

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There’s a particular porn scene my partner and I watch over and over and over. I’m not going to tell you exactly what it is, because for some reason a little piece of my brain blushes at the thought of you watching it and judging me. But it contains a dynamic that I find incredibly hot: the bored fuck. Ideally with an incredibly eager dude (or a line-up of them) and a really bored-looking woman. Her expression says ‘I’m bored of you fucking me’ or perhaps even ‘get on with it’, and his desperation paired with her ambivalence makes me a soaking-wet-and-shaking kind of horny.

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I can barely contain my excitement today because not only do I have the amazing @JoannesReviews as a guest, she’s written a post on one of her expert subjects – fucking machines! If you’re not yet familiar with Joanne’s work, please go and check out her amazing blog where she reviews all manner of sex toys including e-stim, fucking machines and more. Today she’s sharing a sexy real-life story about topping sub ‘r’, and guiding her on her first fucking machine experience…

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I often joke that I’m ‘lazy in bed’, but I’ve never really considered what I mean by that. Someone asked me recently to explain it, so I thought I’d have a go. And like many of the assumptions we make about sex, sometimes examining the belief reveals a truth that’s far more interesting.

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