“You’re such a fucking weirdo,” he tells me, in that deeply affectionate tone which is the only one you can legitimately use when you’re calling someone a fucking weirdo. “You spend all your time either nostalgic for the past, or panicking about the future.”

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The best date you could take me on wouldn’t be the most expensive. In fact, the worst date I’ve ever been on was the one where the guy was most obsessed with money – buying expensive wine and ordering it loudly so that I (and everyone on the tables nearby) would hear and be impressed with how fat his wallet was. And if I were looking for the perfect partner, ideally I’d want to find one with exactly the same income as me: matched to the penny, to avoid causing fights. Because it is never ‘only money’ – it is so much more than that.

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Yesterday some poor soul wrote in to the Guardian to ask why his girlfriend masturbates after sex. His assumption was that it was because she was ‘insatiable’, and the agony aunt explained that perhaps she just fancied a second orgasm, or wanted to pleasure herself without the potential anxiety or pressure of doing it in front of him. My answer is a lot more sweary and pretty NSFW, but here goes: maybe the sex made her really, really horny.

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Sometimes something is so fucking sexy it’s tricky to find the words to describe it. But I guess if what I do counts as a ‘job’, that’s what this job is about: finding the words to describe things that are so sexy they transcend language, making me want to curl up into a tiny, horny ball and just rub myself and wail happy things forever. So I’m going to have a go at putting into words the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me: the other day my partner let me watch him wank in the shower. I am now a broken, sated mess.

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It’s that time again – Saturday’s sexy link roundup for you to peruse. Click the headings to see the full posts from the people in question, and see if you can guess which my favourite link is for this week…

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