Sorry if you were hoping to start 2017 off on a positive note, but I have the worst blow job tips ever to share with you. They are called – brace yourself – “7 Ways To Make Giving A Blow Job Go Faster.” CAN YOU IMAGINE. I can think of two acceptable ways to ‘make giving a blow job go faster’ if you want it to stop soon: either you say ‘let’s switch to something else’ or you say ‘let’s have a break and a sandwich.’

Spoiler: neither of these are on the list of tips.

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Yearly round up take two! Yesterday I did the top sexy blog posts I’ve written here, as measured by Google Analytics. Today it’s time for the guest blogs. I’m constantly amazed and delighted that so many incredible people are willing to share their sex stories and ideas here, and intrigued to see which ones you click on most frequently.

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During that down-time between Christmas and new year, we’re meant to take stock of things which went well over the last 12 months. So although 2016 has basically been an absolute shitshow of a year, there are some lovely highlights which I’m going to wrap round me like a cosy blanket to try and keep the hellish nightmares out. Tomorrow I’ll be doing a round-up of the most popular guest blogs of 2016, but for now here’s a list of the most popular sexy blog posts from me, as measured by Google Analytics. Get stuck in, share if you like them, and feel free to tell me in the comments if there are particular things you’d like to see more of as we welcome 2017.

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This year, for the first time in a long time, I am not going to visit family. I’ll miss them, because my family are amazing. But there are up-sides: I won’t spend hundreds of pounds on train fares lugging a backpack full of presents all around the country. I won’t have to have the super-quiet sex on put-up beds in people’s lounges. I won’t have to smile politely at racist elderly aunts, and I can say ‘fuck’ if I want without scaring the children.

So here’s a Christmas poem for grown-ups.

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Right now, in this actual universe, there exists a robot that writes porn. That is a real thing, not just a dream I had. There’ll be more to this blogpost than that simple fact, but I wanted to put it first because it pleases every single aspect of my nerdy, sex-curious, erotica-loving brain. Last weekend, Goldsmiths University hosted a sex tech hack: they got a group of clever, imaginative people together and gave them a bunch of sex toy hardware to play with, then asked them to create things around the themes of intimacy, companionship and sexuality. One of the many incredible things that came out of this was a robot that writes porn.

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