Many of my friends are people I’ve never met. That’s weird, isn’t it? It is genuinely a very different world to the one I grew up in, where friendship meant ‘the people whose doors you’ll knock on if you want to hang out at the weekend.’ Now, though, friendship usually comes with an @ and an avatar.

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What, dear friends, is the point of the male orgasm? That moment when spunk shoots out the end of someone’s cock is surely a thing that could happen without pleasure? Could evolution not have given penis-havers a simple urge to ejaculate that was not in any way based on physical sensations of joy?

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Most of the ones that got away did so because of timing.

Paul (not his real name, but he looked like a Paul. Or a Peter. Or a Stephen – with a ‘ph’ not a ‘v’) will never know just how perfectly wrong his timing was.

I met Paul in a beer garden. Again, most of the ones that got away escaped from beer gardens. Or pub lounges, if the weather was shitty. Metaphorically slipping out of the window when I was busy fucking someone else in the toilet.

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Two things this week contains something REALLY AWESOME in the form of Woodhull SFS16 and something truly terrible in the form of Channel 4 show ‘Naked Attraction.’ Let’s do the fun bit first…

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Today I’m thinking about butter. Which is, I know, not the ideal lube. Especially if you’re vegan.

But today I’m thinking about butter for lube.

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