There seems to be a fashion these days for guys to shave their bollocks. The first time I ever touched shaved bollocks I was utterly fascinated – mainly by the weird plasticine-y feel of them, but also partly by the motivation.

Why the living fuck would a guy want to shave his bollocks? What earthly good could it possibly do him? Does it make him swim faster, bang harder or achieve greater recognition for his successes in the workplace? Does it make him good at science or gain him entry into exclusive private members’ clubs? Is the warmth generated from having all the extra pubic hair rendering his sperm so relaxed and sluggish that he is incapable of impregnating a lady friend?

Baffling.

I’ve since met more guys who do it, and have discussed with them the reasons why they might be tempted, on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, to take a razor to their genitals.

Girls like it

I’m informed that some girls like naked balls. It apparently makes it more pleasant when you’re running your tongue from the base of his cock down to his perineum if you don’t end up with the odd hair in your mouth while doing it.

Fair enough – if a girl’s giving you head she doesn’t want all that icky hair getting in the way. It’s just not natural – having body hair that naturally grows from your natural body.

It feels nice

This one is a divider – some guys think it feels lovely, and they like the feeling of clean pants rubbing against a freshly balded sack. But I’ve met others who hate the extra stickiness generated, and think the feeling is somewhat akin to having bollocks made of silly putty.

It makes your cock look bigger

Why on earth would you want to make it look bigger? The best thing about having a big cock is that when you put it in me I can feel it stretching me and filling me up and banging hard against my cervix. No amount of shaving will make any difference to this and, in fact, if your cock looks big and feels smaller, the only reaction you’ll get is one of initial delight followed by mild disappointment.

Body hair: the right answer

By ‘the right answer’ I, as ever, mean ‘what I think.’ Body hair is completely natural and normal, and as such it is yet another of those genuinely delightful things about naked boys. I would prefer it if you didn’t shave it all off.

Obviously some body hair is nicer than others – that line running from your crotch to your belly button is so sexy that I’m not sure I can write on it in detail without going for a lie-down. Likewise, the fuzz of hair that collects in the crook of your back is delightful and beautiful and almost worthy of a blog of its very own. So hair is good.

That’s not to say smoothness feels bad – on the contrary it can feel really nice sometimes. But shaved bollocks in particular feel odd and clinical. What’s more they grow back stubbly, and then they scratch.

But the look and feel of them isn’t the main thing that gets me. By all means shave the fuck out of your body if you genuinely want to, or if you enjoy cupping your nuts when you’ve had at them with a razor, but I’ll still think you’re a bit odd for wanting to because it just seems like a lot of unnecessary effort.

Shaved things have to be reshaved regularly, which takes time as well as effort. Time and effort that could much better be spent doing something fun – forcing me to bury my face in your hirsute crotch and suck your dick nice and hard, letting me grip it until you moan a little and ask me to stop squeezing, then making me sit on the coffee table touching myself while you stand over me and shoot jizz all over my face. For example.

WARNING: I am about to mention the patriarchy

Ever since man first dragged woman out of the cave by her hair, women have been giving a massive shit about their hair. It’s not my job to question why, only to lament the fact that, as a woman, I spend far more time than is sensible either removing unwanted hair or explaining to people in stampy feminist tones why actually no, I don’t have the fucking time to wax myself bald from the waist down. I am usually too busy having a career, or seeing friends, or fucking guys, or enjoying a life that does not revolve around beautifying myself to achieve the validation of shallow people.

This shit is a pain in the arse for women. Men – you’re lucky enough to be in the 50% of the human race that isn’t currently burdened with expectations about the removal of your body hair. Don’t fuck it up for yourselves.

Society doesn’t – at the moment – expect you to shave your balls. Be wary of turning it into a majority activity. I’m not telling you not to shave them – do what the actual fuck you want to do with your own body – but please keep reminding yourself that you never ever have to.

I dread living in a world where men have their back, sack and crack waxed because they think it’s normal. It is not ‘normal’ to remove your body hair. It’s onerous, boring and unnecessary, and you probably have better things to do. Like me.

Tits don’t make ‘honk honk’ noises when you squeeze them. You don’t hang towels off a rock-hard cock. That noise someone’s cunt makes that sounds like a fart? Happens so often that if it was a joke you’d accuse the writer of plagiarism.

The most important thing in any guy is a good sense of humour, the most important thing in one of my guys is that he leaves that sense of humour at the bedroom door. I’m not saying you shouldn’t joke around, or be playful, but what I am saying – no, shouting loudly from the rooftops into the deaf ears of a broken society – is that sex is not funny.

I’ve rarely known a great shag to stop halfway through and giggle at the noises. This doesn’t mean that nothing funny has ever happened – loads of funny stuff happens during sex, which is why stand-ups get so much wear out of shagging stories. But if you’re in the mood and the moment, things that sound funny when your mate jokes about them become things that further fuel your lust.

That slurping sound is hilarious when done as an embellishment of a blow job story in the pub, but when you’re getting an actual blow job suddenly it becomes hot. It demonstrates from the girl a detachment and a willingness and a desperate need to have your cock in her mouth that, for most guys, prevents the chuckle-synapse from firing.

And don’t get me started on looks. People look weird naked – they look different. Their bodies are all unique and interesting and have different bits, and shapes, and hair in different places. While these might be funny on Youtube, they’re not funny in my bedroom. They’re exciting, sexy, new things to play with and learn about, new things to press my face into and smell and lick and have wrapped around me.

I will be less willing to bury my face in your ass-crack if you’ve just done a comedy striptease to hide your sexual self-doubt.

To make things good you both have to be confident. And that means not just being comfortable naked with the lights on, but comfortable knowing that if you give him your special move he’s not going to guffaw when it makes a squirting noise.

If you watch comedy sex on TV it can be funny. Jokes about sex can be funny. But I think the point I’m making is that if you’re in the right mindset – if you’re horny and hot and desperate to come, things suddenly seem very serious. Just as I’d never chuckle at Schindler’s List, I’d find it impossible to laugh with someone’s cock inside me.

Which is a shame, because apparently it does something quite clever to the pelvic floor muscles.