Picture the scene: it’s late December in the year 1998. You’re a thirteen year old girl. You wear glasses and have extremely greasy hair, you wear your school uniform exactly as dictated by the rules, and you’re good at Maths and Science. Ergo: you fucking suck. Everyone hates you and no boy will ever snog you, no matter how much Impulse body spray you cover yourself in. Against this backdrop, you are in love with your very best friend – a boy who has the voice of a genuine angel. It’s the school Christmas Talent Show, and this boy – the one you think about to make your crotch give you those New Special Feelings – takes the stage. He stands at the microphone and clears his throat. The first few chords of a song you recognise start blaring through the assembly-hall speakers, and your soul soars in anticipation. Then he opens his perfect perfect mouth, this sexy boy, and with a breath that carries straight into the depths of your miserable, bullied soul, he sings the following words…

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Is there such a thing as the perfect butt plug? Finding the right one for you is a hell of a fun quest to embark upon, and I always love hearing about people’s sex-nerdy adventures down the sex toy rabbit hole, hunting for exactly the item that’s perfect for them. Today’s guest blogger is back after an incredible opening post about what prostate orgasms feel like, to share some tips and advice on how to choose the perfect butt plug for you. Hopefully it’ll get you thinking not only about what you want from the perfect sex toy, but also pondering (as I now am)… what exactly is the collective noun for butt plugs?

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When I was about nineteen years old, a boy I was madly in love with grabbed me by the wrist to flip me over in bed. I still think about that moment. It was swift and confident and perfect. Crushed up facing each other on my single student bed, we were breathing so close to each other’s mouths, with such burning lust, that we could easily have just passed pure carbon dioxide back and forth until both of us passed out. Maybe that’s why we were so high on the horn of it. At some point before I fully fainted with desire, he took action. And the way in which he acted was so fucking hot it made my cunt swell with a tortured throb. He reached down between us to where my arms were held across my chest, grabbed the wrist of the arm I was lying on, encircling it firmly in his grip, and pulled it down my body and over my waist. Using it to flip me over so that now – instead of us facing each other and there being a cold gap between us at crotch height – I was facing away, my arse pressed up tight against his aching, diamond-hard cock.

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I’m trying to be a bit kinder to myself when it comes to churning out content, so instead of trying to come up with a fun way to shoehorn a bunch of Black Friday/Cyber Monday sex toy discount codes into a vaguely horny post, like I usually do, I’m just going to publish the actual codes, and separately publish a sexy post I already have in draft. That way I can use this one just to tell you that the following amazing companies help to keep the lights on at GOTN HQ, so if you enjoy the filth I write then please do check out my sponsors and treat yourself if you are so inclined. Now is genuinely one of the best times to pick up sex toys, as far as discounts are concerned, so if you’ve been waiting for something, leap on it asap.

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I know a lot of the time I tell you what an incompetent shithead I am but recently I realised something. In terms of online dating, my ‘hit rate’ (i.e. my ratio of dates attended to men I have actually liked) since I broke up with my ex is pretty high. By which I mean I have been on a few physical dates after contact on The Apps, and broadly I’ve liked all the men (except one – he didn’t ask me any questions, and that was very annoying). I might find The Apps themselves tedious, and moan about having to go back on them when I find I have a slot on my dance card, but when you examine the raw numbers there’s no getting round it: I am fucking exceptional at dating. Today I am going to share what I think is a key aspect of my dating strategy with you, and pretend I am much cleverer than I actually am by explaining how to write the best online dating profile. Get ready to be wowed.

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