Welcome readers, I like to imagine you’re on the edge of your seats, eagerly anticipating the climax of my efficient dating experience with a man who kindly fulfilled my last-minute request for a date, then came with me to a Travelodge to make out on one of the beds. Quite a few people replied excitedly to part one expecting porn in part two, thus falling into my cunning and evil trap. I wanted to raise your hopes nice and high because that’s the energy I brought with me on this date – it’s the energy I bring on every date. I wasn’t expecting anything, but naturally it would have been a welcome joy to have a sexy dude put it nice and hard inside me. The resulting disappointment will give you a true taste of my dating life because brace yourselves: this man well and truly talked himself out of a fuck.

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I have rarely felt so seen by a guest blog as I do by this one on fucking your ex. Not that I’m going to fuck any of my exes, you understand. Nuh-uh. I probably shouldn’t. Love is an addiction and fucking your ex is like having just a bit of your favourite, favourite thing: like picking up just one cigarette when you’ve quit for three years, then buying a whole pack then another and another… Christ, I felt this blog post resonate in my skin. Please welcome the absolutely brilliant LM, whose last guest post was a searingly gorgeous BDSM love story (and she’s also written about sex supplements and feeling small and cute – check those out too!). Today she is here to talk about fucking your ex. Why you probably shouldn’t… and why she did anyway.

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Check out part one of this story, about the man on the internet who gets off on giving me money. This is part 2, in which I get him to bankroll something bucket list that I could never have done on my own. Note that this piece contains a decision that is morally questionable at best.

It’s been a while since I spoke to my Paypig – sometimes when you’re in a relationship you have to give less energy to your sidequest sexual hobbies. He disappears for periods of time, and it’s been a few months since I asked him for any cash. He’s still there in a few shining bubbles of my memory, and an unfinished blog draft, but we haven’t really been in touch. However, as Julie Andrews wisely notes at the start of The Sound of Music: when the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. And one of the many windows that’s opened for me since I broke up with my boyfriend is the opportunity to chat to my Paypig once more, and see what mischief he might help me make.

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It took twelve journeys in the end. I only got fined on three of them, but still – three hundred quid is a pretty hefty blow. Worth it though, to find the guy. The one train guard who’d let me off a fare in exchange for a grope of my tits and a sloppy face-fuck.

This one’s erotic fiction, obviously. I wrote it while I was on a train, which is why that train line gets a mention, but I assure you the guard was incredibly polite and I slammed my laptop shut at light-speed when he came to check my (valid) ticket. Note that this story might contain elements of coercion, if it weren’t for the carefully-written thousand-word intro that I stuck on the front of it to make it a bit more consensual. Feel free to ignore it if you like the non-con/dub-con stuff, or revel in it if you like your stories more consensual and your heroines more gleefully slutty. 

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Occasionally readers complain when I do content notes, because they think that content notes are a way to turn people off a story – a ‘danger’ sign that tells you not to enter because here be dragons – or Beasts. This week’s incredible guest blog, by Kinky Goldfish, in which he indulges a fantasy shared with a lover about letting the primal, aggressive Beast within him drive a powerful kink scene, requires many content notes. And I promise with my whole heart that they will make today’s guest blog more popular, not less. Although content notes, on a blog like mine, sometimes function as ‘warnings’ so a few readers without those kinks can click on past, more commonly their effect is the same as a sales pitch. Like a big sign which says ‘don’t press the big red button’ tempts you to reach out and touch it. So yeah. Today’s guest blog includes vicious birching and hardcore kink. Public exposure and humiliation and aggressive anal sex. Keep out of the big scary castle. Do not read corrupting pornography. Whatever you do, don’t unleash The Beast.

This post contains public exposure, BDSM, birching, stinging nettles, degradation, humiliation, unlubed anal and piss. It is erotic fiction and you shouldn’t try any of this without having in-depth consent chats with your partner and anyone else involved in the scene (including those who will see it playing out). 

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