Now listen up: I’ve used the phrase ‘semen volume’ in my intro and titles for this incredible guest blog, because Google Keyword Planner tells me it’s searched for more often than the any of the phrases I would naturally use to describe what we’re talking about here. But whether you’re keen to get a massive cum load, a spunk volcano, or a powerful spaff cannon, make no mistake that what we’re talking about here is jizz. Big, thick, sticky shots of it. Mmmmmmmmmm. As a curious and horny person who’s extremely obsessed with spunk, I recently asked on Twitter if anyone with a dick might be up for describing what it feels like to spunk with one. The first person willing to volunteer their experience is Jocket, who wrote this beautiful piece about skin hunger a while back. To answer my thirsty question, he’s offering a perspective on ejaculate that made me positively drool for it, namely: going on a quest to increase semen volume and achieve more intense orgasms.

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I understand why the bottom is the go-to place to spank. It’s deliciously wobbly, satisfying to stroke and touch, and it frames the cunt so nicely. If someone’s going to lay into me, I get why they want to start off with my arse. But I reckon there’s another hot place for punishment that doesn’t involve me removing any of my clothes. Hands out, palms upwards, strapped with a belt or a tawse. Unngh.

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The hottest thing about you – and please make sure you hear me all the way out, because at first glance it might sound dismissive – is that you want to fuck me. That’s it. The best fucking thing. The red-hot fire in the gusset of my knickers right now: I just know that you definitely would.

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I tiptoe into the flat through the door she’s left unlocked, because I don’t want to wake her when I get in. On the pillow in the spare bedroom, she’s left a fresh towel and two chocolates, and seeing them makes my heart burst with love. I spy from the hallway that the light is on in her room, so I can’t resist asking: “psst – you up?” I could wait till tomorrow to talk to her, but I’m brimming with eagerness now. I can spill all the details over ham and cheese croissants at breakfast, but she is awake right now, so she says “yes! Come in! Report back! Did you get alllllll the spunk?”

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You’ve met today’s guest blogger before – Elena Bennet dropped by a few months ago with this gloriously horny post about the sex surge during menopause, bringing everyone a thrill of delight by sharing her sex Renaissance with us all. Today is your opportunity to repay that lovely favour, because she has an important question on which she’d like your advice. If you have too many sex toys and it starts getting tricky to hide them from prying eyes, how the hell do you store them? Take it away Elena – everyone else, do chip in with your tips below.

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