When I was about nineteen years old, a boy I was madly in love with grabbed me by the wrist to flip me over in bed. I still think about that moment. It was swift and confident and perfect. Crushed up facing each other on my single student bed, we were breathing so close to each other’s mouths, with such burning lust, that we could easily have just passed pure carbon dioxide back and forth until both of us passed out. Maybe that’s why we were so high on the horn of it. At some point before I fully fainted with desire, he took action. And the way in which he acted was so fucking hot it made my cunt swell with a tortured throb. He reached down between us to where my arms were held across my chest, grabbed the wrist of the arm I was lying on, encircling it firmly in his grip, and pulled it down my body and over my waist. Using it to flip me over so that now – instead of us facing each other and there being a cold gap between us at crotch height – I was facing away, my arse pressed up tight against his aching, diamond-hard cock.

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I’m trying to be a bit kinder to myself when it comes to churning out content, so instead of trying to come up with a fun way to shoehorn a bunch of Black Friday/Cyber Monday sex toy discount codes into a vaguely horny post, like I usually do, I’m just going to publish the actual codes, and separately publish a sexy post I already have in draft. That way I can use this one just to tell you that the following amazing companies help to keep the lights on at GOTN HQ, so if you enjoy the filth I write then please do check out my sponsors and treat yourself if you are so inclined. Now is genuinely one of the best times to pick up sex toys, as far as discounts are concerned, so if you’ve been waiting for something, leap on it asap.

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I know a lot of the time I tell you what an incompetent shithead I am but recently I realised something. In terms of online dating, my ‘hit rate’ (i.e. my ratio of dates attended to men I have actually liked) since I broke up with my ex is pretty high. By which I mean I have been on a few physical dates after contact on The Apps, and broadly I’ve liked all the men (except one – he didn’t ask me any questions, and that was very annoying). I might find The Apps themselves tedious, and moan about having to go back on them when I find I have a slot on my dance card, but when you examine the raw numbers there’s no getting round it: I am fucking exceptional at dating. Today I am going to share what I think is a key aspect of my dating strategy with you, and pretend I am much cleverer than I actually am by explaining how to write the best online dating profile. Get ready to be wowed.

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I’ve had these adorable Hot Octopuss nipple pegs sitting in my slut kit for months. When they launched their range of BDSM toys, HO (who sponsor my site, so if you buy from them you’re supporting my work etc etc) kindly emailed me to see if there was anything I’d like to try out, and obviously I leapt on the opportunity to use my job perks to chat up a hot boy. I sent the link on to Bracelet Game and asked him to pick something fun. ‘Check out these kinky objects – with what do you fancy ruining me?’ A week or so later these lovely silver nipple pegs appeared in the post.

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Recently I ran a competition on Twitter with my awesome site sponsor The Pleasure Garden. We wanted to do something a bit more fun than the usual ‘retweet to win’ competition, so instead we asked people to contribute their best sex tips: what advice have you picked up during your own sexual play that you’d like to pass on to other people? The results were amazing, and although the winner is being announced over on The Pleasure Garden’s blog, I was so delighted by the fabulous suggestions that I wanted to show them all a bit of extra love here, and share some of the wisdom that people were kind enough to chip in. Here’s a selection of your best sex tips…

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