So this guy and I broke up, and I’m sad that we won’t get to play the bracelet game any more. Does that make me an arsehole? That upon breaking up with a good, kind man the thought which burns brightest in my mind isn’t guilt or soppiness but horny nostalgia? I don’t know. But as he said to me at the end, with characteristic grace: at least we were honest with each other. We were. I honestly wanted to shag him and get drunk and play Magic: the Gathering, he honestly wanted something more. I am, honestly, a bit of an arsehole right now.

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Note: this post includes a sexy role-play scenario which touches on somnophilia (fucking someone while they sleep) and is only ever hot with someone I trust absolutely, with whom I’ve discussed this kink in the past, who knows how I can withdraw consent if I want to. It is not – and should never be – a ‘how to’ guide on fucking. Don’t do this unless you have the express consent of the person with whom you’re doing it. 

Please try not to judge me when I tell you that sometimes I like guys to fuck me while I’m pretending to be asleep. I like the idea that they’re so horny they just want to slip it inside and grunt their frustration out on me, spitting cum inside me without bothering to wake me up first. Something about it ticks the same boxes as the idea of being a fly-on-the-wall for someone else’s wank. That intensely private, pleasure-hunting-at-all-costs urgency that someone leans into when they allow themselves to let go, with a side-order of actual dick in me. Yum.

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It’s time for another epic sex toy adventure, courtesy of my site sponsors Hot Octopuss. As regular readers will remember, they offered to send out some samples of their awesome sex toys to bring people joy during lockdown, and give them the chance to share their experiences here as guest blogs. Today I’m delighted to welcome Air (@boybecomesfree) who tried out the Hot Octopuss JETT with his partner, S. The JETT is a unique penis vibe that consists of two bullet vibrators and a silicone case to hold them against the head of your cock. The bullets vibrate at different frequencies – ‘treble’ giving high-frequency vibrations, and ‘bass’ giving lower-frequency, deep and rumbly vibes. This makes for some exceptional orgasms (as I can attest from my recent adventures with the Hot Octopuss Kurve, which uses the same tech), and what’s more the fact that the toy can be strapped to a dick also allows for some really fun orgasm control and edging scenarios. As Air found out, when S decided he could be tied down and edged with the Hot Octopuss JETT…

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I like squeezing my cunt muscles while I’m fucking someone. There’s this glorious moment, just on the in-thrust when they’re plunging inside, where if I time it right I can get the muscles to clench just where the head of their dick is. It adds resistance, making them shove it harder. And tightness, so I can better feel how hard their cock is. If they have a particularly prominent head, I can feel the edge of it rubbing past the ridge on one of the internal walls of my vagina. And if they’re expressive (which they should be, oh God I really really want them to be), sometimes I can make them let out a little grunt. Of pleasure? Maybe. Of surprise? Perhaps. I also like to imagine it’s one of effort. They’ve been expecting a certain amount of resistance, but by squeezing my cunt I can ramp it up a little – giving them more to push against and encouraging that gorgeous unngh noise in the back of their throat as they realise they have to fuck harder. If this sounds hot to you (it is, oh God it really super is), here are a few times when it’s fun to squeeze your cunt.

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Hand on heart, I am not a huge fan of condoms. I think they play a vital role in keeping me safe if I’m fucking around, of course, but if I’m in a long term monogamous relationship I’d prefer to rely on my trusty IUD, and let the spunk fall where it may. So I’m not their greatest fan, but if I’m in a situation where it’s sensible to use condoms I’ll always use them, and try to focus on what makes condoms sexy rather than listening to the greedy slag who lives in the back of my brain thirsting, constantly, for jizz. If you’re with someone who doesn’t like condoms and is reluctant to use them, I figured I can give you a little advice in the form of the one question you should ask them. Or if you have a dick and it’s you who doesn’t like them, a question to ponder for yourself: which different condoms have you tried?

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