This week an article did the rounds on Twitter titled ’10 Things Men Do In Bed That Women Hate.’ It was So. Fucking. Awful (and mostly copied word for word from this old, awful listicle from more than a year ago) that I thought I’d write an alternative.
10 Things Men Do In Bed That Women Hate
10. Doing too little foreplay. Or too much foreplay. Or such a perfect amount of foreplay that you just know they’ve been revising beforehand, which kills the romance.
9. Forgetting to raise their pinky finger when they squeeze out the lube. Did your mothers teach you no manners?
8. Bringing a leopard. Guys, we get it – you have a leopard. Leave it outside while we’re getting it on, yeah?
7. Singing the first verse of God Save The Queen but getting half the words wrong.
6. Forgetting to use the right hashtag when they’re livetweeting it.
5. Stopping halfway through foreplay to contemplate which way they’ll vote in the EU referendum.
4. Stealing the duvet, then selling it on eBay while you sleep.
3. Shouting ‘Houston, we have lift off!’ at the point of climax.
2. Insisting on a game of Mornington Crescent, then starting with Clapham Junction which everyone knows is an illegal move during a two-player game.
1. Writing clickbait listicles in the afterglow.
22 Comments
Technically starting with Clapham Junction can be valid in two-player play, but only if you’re using the Feltzberg Variation. And I know that’s a hard limit for a lot of people, because of the way it encourages reverse entry at Seven Sisters, but it can be worth considering if only for the way it allows you to save tokens by building momentum looping round the Heathrow terminals…
You’re technically right, but surely the Feltzberg variation is only playable when the game itself is occurring outside zone 6 (such as, for instance, the championships that will be held in Brussels later this year). In the context of this post it’s not applicable, though, as 90% of my sex happens in London, well before the zone 6 boundary. We do play the Feltzberg Variation on holiday though – it’s quite refreshing to be able to counter a Northern Start without having to worry about junction hopping!
Living in the Midlands as I do, I have to say that playing Feltzberg is so much a norm for us that we forget its a variation. Think about it – for most of the ‘outside zone 6’ world this is the standard; sex inside zone 6 means a hotel stay or a dog doo check in one of the parks.
As for reverse entry at Seven Sisters.. What about vaulting the barrier (or Oyster shucking as we call it) at Uckfield ?
Oh my God, it’s been a long time since I used the Oyster shucking move, but thanks for reminding me of it! And you’re right – I am far too London-centric when it comes to Mornington variations. Occasionally get caught out when I visit my parents and we have an after-dinner game – last time I ended up playing Green Park on a diagonal run. My Mum was horrified.
You’ll have to be careful with that kind of tactic this time around, as diagonal runs are considered bad form when you’re in spoon. Have you tried marathon-level Mornington Crescent, with Replacement Bus Service rules?
Also, if you have a leopard, you take it with you everywhere. Standard.
I love your very essence, GOTN, I wanted you to know that.
Why does it seem just as fun to imagine us and a bunch of mates pissing ourselves laughing in a good pub as it does imagining doing some of the more sticky, slidey, stretchy stuff you write about?
Keep it up….x
Haha, it’s possibly because I reckon in total I’ve spent waaaaay more time in the pub than I ever have in bed! Also – THANK YOU! You’ve made my day. x
Note to self: find a leopard-sitter D:
Also, “eating crackers” isn’t on there? Really?
I actually find that really hot. The crunchier the better, imho.
Contemplating which way you’ll vote in the EU referendum IS foreplay!
OK you got me! I’m guilty of all of these. Though I only did No.4 because I saw it depicted on the cover of a Mills & Boon novel. Stop giving me mixed messages, ladies!
While we’re sharing vital gender sex secrets, here are 5 things women do in bed that make men ANGRY:
1. Measuring for curtains
2. Asking what happened to Brendan Fraser
3. Clutching an old tyre
4. Tugging on our legs and feet
5. Providing canapés
I think that depends on what kind of canape it is. If it’s one of those mushroom vol-au-vents I think its acceptable, anything else is just wrong, especially if its one of those frozen canape selections from Iceland
Mushroom vol au vents are a hard limit for me.
Canapés are just wrong. Buttery crumpets are best
Thank you so much, I’ve been warned.
Loved it one of best I’ve read even if I had no idea what you meant on number 2. Sorry live on other side of planet never heard of that game, thought it was some monopoly move at first.
Ah yeah sorry – it’s quite an obscure British game. Great fun when you get into it – if you have any UK-based pals ask them to talk you through the rules sometime!
I know all three verses of God Save the Queen,word perfect. But then I also know half a dozen lashings, plenty of good knots, and how to apply bandages to a willing patient. Spot the ex-Cub!
I have really mixed views on the issue of men being bad at sex. If that is what this listicle is attempting to highlight.
On one hand, I had read Cynthia Heimel’s Sex Tips for Girls by age 14, and studied up on how to give a blow job. It wasn’t all I needed to know, but it was a start. Ditto how other things worked. And Cosmo filled in the gaps too. Then there was Good Vibrations in the US and finally, The Interneeeet. Education.
Conversely, when I was 14, an (arsehole) boy asked me and a friend if we ‘frigged ourselves’, I didn’t at that point feel up to explaining the mechanics of female masturbation to the assembled group. Sigh. Or when the first guy I slept with asked me where I liked to be touched, and I said, well, HERE, indicating my clit, he was puzzled, and said, ‘that’s a funny place!’ Sigh. Where was Heimel’s Sex Tips for Boys?
However, a year or so ago, there was a Twitter thread for women to offload about all the horrible things men had done to them, and snigger and eyeroll the night away. I felt a bit uncomfortable with it – on one hand, sure, men not knowing things, the fact that the whole ‘the clit is impossible to find’ thing is even still a thing, it’s shit. On the other hand, it felt … ach. I don’t know. Bitchy, mean spirited, somehow embarrassing. When I pointed out that I *loved* one of the things that one woman was echhing and wretching about and sneering at, I got blocked from the thread. So obviously, it was not the time to challenge the onslaught of mocking. Imagine being on the other end of that, a group of guys laughing at your ineptitude? Makes me shudder, a bit.
Hey Vida – I totally see what you’re saying – this blog is a pisstake of exactly those kinds of things.
Mornington Crescent is my new fave euphemism for morning wood