Girl on the Net

When it comes to making broad, ridiculous generalisations about relationships, you can’t beat a good bit of clickbait. Recently I gave some brilliant advice on things men do in bed that women hate, and I imagine since then that all men have stopped doing these things and everyone in a straight relationship has breathed a sigh of relief. So because I’m a fan of equality here’s the opposite: 10 things women do in bed that men hate.

Naturally all men have identical sexual tastes, which I have discerned via magic, so the best way for you to cater to your partner’s sexual tastes is to take advice from me, even though you have never met me and cannot be entirely sure I’m not making the whole thing up. Still, you can tell that my advice is sound because I have numbered my tips from 1-10, and that is how facts work.

10 things women do in bed that men hate

10. The crossword.

9. Eating spicy food.

8. Humming ‘gotta get down on Friday’ while she sucks your cock.

7. NOT humming ‘I have confidence in sunshine’ from the Sound of Music when she rims you.

6. Taking your request to bring ‘toys’ into the bedroom too literally, and setting up a Scalextric underneath the bed. Then when you try to get in the mood she just shouts ‘NEEEE-YOWW’ and carries on playing.

5. Being sick on the pillows.

4. Reciting old episodes of Doctor Who, but getting Tom Baker’s voice wrong.

3. Planning an intricate coup to topple Jeremy Corbyn from the labour leadership.

2. Insisting on backups at 5 minute intervals to prevent loss of data.

1. Shouting ‘MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN’ at the point of climax.

If you genuinely are struggling for fantastic things that are GUARANTEED to blow someone’s mind in bed, no matter what their gender, then try this one weird trick.