Girl on the Net

In drama at school we used to play a warm-up game that involved cutting a deck of cards to determine each character’s status. We’d be given a scenario, let’s say person A is a teenager who’s broken a vase during a house party while their parents were away, and B and C are the parents returning home. If you just tell people to play what they think those characters should do, the scene will run in a fairly obvious way. Parents discover the accident, interrogate their kid about how the breakage happened, the child is suitably apologetic/nervous of the consequences, etc. However, if you have each person cut the deck of cards and replay the scene, this time assuming status and power depending on which card they got, things look very different. Let’s say the kid gets a Jack or a Queen, Mum gets a 9 and Dad picks a 2. Now the kid has the most power, and might end up berating their parents for owning something so expensive in the first place. Mum is the kid’s semi-obsequious sidekick, agreeing with him while occasionally sniping at Dad for not anticipating that this might happen before he booked their weekend away. Dad grovels before both of them, frantically trying to make amends for an accident that, in his low-status role, he’s entirely reframed as his fault. See what I mean? Status isn’t inherent to each character, it’s determined by the luck of the draw. And status, power and playfulness are all at the heart of my idea for a Blackadder Threesome. Here’s one for all the horny switches.

Blackadder Threesome: how it works

Picture the scene: you’re about to hang out with two of your hottest, switchiest friends. You’re throwing around ideas for play sessions, discussing which of your toys or impact implements to bring and what sort of things you’d like to explore. Maybe more than one of you want to assume ‘submissive’ status and you can’t figure out whose turn it is, or perhaps all of you enjoy the element of surprise, so no one wants to dictate how things might go. To help solve this dilemma, alongside bringing all your fuck-kit, you also grab a standard deck of cards.

Prior to the play session, you each draw a card. The cards determine your status.

[Note that at some point, you probably want to have a consent discussion – get to know each other’s limits, preferences, needs, safewords etc. I haven’t included that in detail here because how and when you do it will be up to you. I’ve known people with whom I’d be happy to play this game after only a cursory chat, and others with whom I’d want more involved discussion. Pick what works for you all. Have a cup of coffee and a natter about stuff before you’ve chosen cards if you like, or after if you want to give more detailed instructions based on which roles you get assigned. I can see this being hot either way – the former has an element of trust/surprise, the latter has an element of anticipation as you participate in a chat with two Kings while nervously clutching a 2 and hearing them discuss all their devious plans for you.]

This, like so many of my other stone-cold-genius ideas, is best explained by example. And because it’s me, these examples are gonna get horny. Let’s introduce three characters, who’ll each be known by the name of the card they picked. Although some playing cards are gendered, these characters are deliberately written without gendered pronouns, so please feel free to imagine whoever most floats your boat. These are the kinky switches who’ll be leading us on a journey through the Blackadder Threesome. And here’s the card draw randomiser I am using to construct each scene.

King, Jack, Two: punishment by proxy

Two is cuffed to a door frame by their wrists, stripped naked and left shivering while the King and the Jack pick through the bountiful array of punishment implements they could apply. Benevolently, the King allows the Jack to make the final selection, and Jack gives a deep and grateful kiss to say thank you. They’ve picked a flogger, and the King compliments them on their choice:

“I love watching you swing that thing – your arms look so delectable when you wield it good and hard.”

That’s when the first smack lands, hard and vicious, on Two’s naked backside. Two squeals and the Jack responds with a dismissive “shut up” before swinging it once more against their back.

The King does not respond to Two – doesn’t even speak to them – acknowledging someone of such low status would offend the sensibilities of the King. It’s the King they’ve wronged, but the Jack who’ll deliver the punishment. A vicious whipping at first, followed by a fuck: the Jack preps the Two by releasing their trembling wrists from the cuffs and roughly dragging their tingling body to the bed, where they’re bent over and ordered to stay still. Spread your cheeks. Do not fucking move. The King will have their way with you first.

While the King uses Two’s body in whichever way best pleases them, the Jack is hovering nearby – grabbing and touching as they see fit, perhaps touching themselves. Maybe offering the King a little pleasure while they do it. Jack and King share deep, warm kisses which make the Two ache with longing. If they moan or ask for more, though, they’re swiftly and harshly punished.

When they’re done playing with Two, their spent plaything is ordered into a corner to stand facing the wall. “Don’t you dare fucking move,” Jack tells them, “this isn’t for your eyes.”

Then the King takes the Jack in their arms, and together they consummate the lust that has been building since they first chose the whip…

Nine, Nine, Four: nurture and teach

This one’s for the caring dominants among you. I love a good Nine/Nine collaborative fuck. Rarely have I had the opportunity, although one time I was lucky enough to enjoy a Nine/Nine/Nine/Jack/Queen type scenario. But the same-status dynamic holds a special place in my heart, because that kind of equality lends itself to very collaborative fucking.

Nine and Nine take Four to the bed, and instruct them to lie face down. Near the bed there’s a collection of different things – impact equipment, sex toys, maybe some ice or lube or other fun things for sensation and temperature play. They whisper in Four’s ear: relax, stay calm, chill out. They’ll be the guides on this journey.

Four needs to guess what they’re being touched with. If they guess correctly, the Nines dispense pleasure. Guess wrong and they’ll dish out some pain.

“An easy one first,” Nine says, and grins at their comrade. Taking a cold, wet glass dildo from the ice bucket beside the table, they press it gently against one of Four’s shoulder blades. Four jolts and wriggles, a soft giggle escaping their lips.

“Ice!” Four declares confidently, falling immediately for the trick.

“Oh bad LUCK,” says one of the Nines, and delivers a stinging smack to their backside by way of correction. The other Nine takes an ice cube and places it lightly on Four’s bum, exactly where the red handprint is already starting to bloom.

“How about now?” They ask.

“Oh yeah… THAT’s ice,” says Four. They earn themselves a ‘well done’ and a four-handed massage then a few more rounds. Sensing hemp rope (correct) then winning a fluttering string of gentle kisses on either side of their neck, delivered by the Nines in glorious synchronicity. Next they guess a metal butt plug – cool and smooth and tempting when traced down their spine. Correct again, this time they win lube – slick globs of it massaged gently into the ring of their ass. A finger or two.

“Gently,” says one Nine, “go gently.” The other nods. Continues. Holds their hand out for the butt plug.

“Next correct guess and this is going in, do you want it?”

Four nods eagerly – squirms a little and tries to push back against the plug, now held at the entrance to their aching hole. “But you have to get it right, OK?” Another nod. More squirming. One of the Nines strokes their hair and holds the plug while the other reaches for a thick leather belt. The telltale sound of leather swishing through someone’s palm gives the game away, and Four is grinning before the belt has even touched their skin.

The second it’s laid flat against the naked flesh of their back, they blurt out “belt!” in triumph. Both the Nines collapse into giggles, then confer before choosing what’s next. Thing is, their Four did guess correctly, which deserves a treat. But then they’re both a bit annoyed by how swiftly they managed it, throwing a spanner in the works of their fun game. They whisper between each other while Four trembles in anticipation of what might come next.

Something that’s both a trick and a treat, which Four will welcome because they have to: their status says they get used and played with, regardless of whether the game involves pleasure or pain.

“We’ve come to a decision,” says one of the Nines, “and this time you get both.” Spreading Four’s cheeks carefully with their hands, they slip the metal plug into their pre-lubed ass and enjoy feeling Four wriggle in delight as it pops in, snug and secure. Then they rock back on their heels and gesture for the other Nine to take over: for their ally to kneel up and move forward, taking a swing at their plaything’s bottom with the belt.

Three, Queen, Three: it’s your birthday

I’m so glad this combo came up, because it gives me the chance to say that in my opinion, the quickest and simplest way to establish a threesome dynamic is to pick one person and designate it ‘their birthday.’ Two of you are therefore tasked with pleasing that one however they like: making out for their entertainment while they masturbate to the sight of it; taking it in turns to give them head while they whisper encouragement to each of you; engaging in competitive fucking where you see which of you can get them off first; DP-ing them (with strap-ons or cocks) or spitroasting depending on their preference.

In this scenario, the Threes take orders from the Queen or – if the Queen is feeling like they don’t want the trouble of planning their own Royal Variety Performance – they compete with each other to do and suggest things that will please their monarch the most. If this were me, I would like for my Threes to do most of the above, in roughly this order: performative make-outs, directed by me, followed by some performative fucking where I tell them in which positions they should rail each other. Next, I’d like lots of kisses and touching, all over my body – I’d like for them to tell me how hot I am and how desperate they are to fuck me, then when one of them gives me enough delicious words to persuade me they’re the hottest for it, I’d allow them access to my cunt with the two-word instruction: “impress me.”

Power, status and communication

As ever, this blog post that starts off as a horny ramble is now going to flip into ‘trying to make a helpful point about sexual communication’, but don’t worry we’ll pop back to the card game before the end, where I will answer two questions you’re all no doubt thinking:

1. Why’s it called a Blackadder Threesome? and
2. Are Aces high or low?

For now: important point about sex comms! I’ve never played this game before myself – I’d love to, but right now I have no recruits. It’s been in my head for a while, though, because the key thing that gets me engaged in any particular fuck is atmosphere, which often directly translates into power and status. I could look back at almost any of my shags and use card faces as a shorthand to explain how each one went down. In this threesome I was a three, she was a Jack and he was a King. In that one I was a Nine, she was a Ten, and he was a Four. In this one she and I were both Nines while he was a Seven… you get the idea.

And where you can use this stuff as shorthand, you can also use it to open up sexual conversations that you might struggle to articulate off-hand and in detail. I’ve shagged so many people (mostly men) who find it tricky to articulate exactly what they want. They say ‘I want you to be more domme’ but can’t put their finger on why or how. They have an idea of what they mean by ‘domme’ from porn they read/watch/listen to, but I can’t read their minds. I have a bunch of tools I use to try and draw this info out of someone – asking them to share the smut they love, or encouraging them to drill down into the ‘why’ of each fantasy. And the Blackadder Threesome/status card game feels like another tool that might be useful in this context.

You don’t need to literally play this with a deck of cards to benefit from the Blackadder Threesome idea, because at the heart of it what I’m saying is that if status and power is important to you in a sex scene, sometimes it can be extremely fun to determine not just who’s ‘top’ and who’s ‘bottom’, but exactly where on the power-scale they fall. If you can’t play this game with a deck of cards, you can still use the scale to help articulate what you’d like: you want to be submissive, but are you ‘a 7 to a Jack’ submissive, or ‘a 3 to a King’? You want to be dominant, but are you aiming for a nurturing, close, almost-equal dominance like you’d get in a 9/6 scene, or the cruel, detached sadism that a Queen might deliver to a 2?

If you’re a trio of switchy fuckers and you want to play the game, be my guest (and then pitch me a guest blog!). If you’re a sex blogger looking for a writing prompt, get three (or two, or more) random cards and write an erotic story with characters playing that dynamic (seriously, please do this! Send me the link to your piece and I’ll add it in here!). If you’re a sex worker trying to get a client to be more specific in their requests, likewise please nick this idea if you like it!

But even if you aren’t any of these things, I hope that the idea of scale/contrast in power gives you some fun ideas for the future. Life isn’t a binary, and we’re rarely just dom/sub or switch: there are degrees of power and submission, and our desires evolve and change within and around these roles all the time. As with everything sexy, it’s extremely fun to fuck around the edges.

 

Why is it called a Blackadder Threesome?

If you haven’t seen Blackadder you can skip this bit, it won’t make any sense. Just assume the blog post ended at the previous paragraph. 

In my head this has always been called a Blackadder Threesome because in the awesome BBC sitcom Blackadder, they get a lot of mileage out of subtle (and not-so-subtle) shifts in power dynamics. They also completely refresh the comedy potential by changing characters’ power from season to season. Consider Season 1 (The One Which Is Least Good) – Blackadder himself is about a 4. Mid-level power, a bit rubbish, not particularly witty or clever – it’s hard to root for him because he’s just a hapless prince. His servant Baldrick seems genuinely decent by comparison. In all the other seasons, however, Blackadder is much higher status while Baldrick is the lowest of the low. Making that switch took Blackadder from ‘quite funny’ to ‘truly hilarious’, especially when you throw in an even-higher-status character in the form of Queenie who is monstrously capricious and exceedingly childlike, but nevertheless a literal Queen in the power stakes.

In season 3 you get Prince George, someone with huge authority but who is still a hapless idiot power-wise, easily manipulated by Blackadder himself, who is now as close to top of the power structure as he ever really gets. Then season 4, George keeps his ‘hapless idiot’ persona, but is now much lower in the rankings – a four to Blackadder’s nine or ten. The dynamic changes, and new possibilities open up.

As you can probably tell, I really love Blackadder (it’s dated, like all comedy, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t very good). And I think the reason it could stay fresh and interesting wasn’t just because of the changing time periods, but also because of these little switches in who had power and who didn’t – the genuine power accorded to them by rank, and the softer power that they gained by being clever and manipulative. The characters stay broadly the same, but they’re given new playing cards to work with.

Talking of playing cards, that leads me to my final – and vital – point. Before you begin playing a new card game it’s always important to state whether Ace is high or low. In the Blackadder Threesome, if you draw an Ace, are you simply a One in the ranking, abject and even an object for other people to use like a battered Fleshlight? Or are Aces high, the most powerful cards, meaning if you draw one you’ll outrank Jacks and Kings?

Neither, my friends, neither.

Because this is a Blackadder Threesome, no matter what scenario you’re playing or who you’re playing with… if you happen to draw the Ace, you are Lord Flasheart.