“She’s fucked so many guys, when we shag it’s like waving a stick in the Albert Hall.”
“Maybe her cunt’s normal and the problem is that toothpick you’re waving.”
Or maybe both dick and cunt are perfectly fine, and the problem is between your ears rather than in your pants. Let’s talk about bodyshaming and genitals.
I almost want to skip the first section of this article, because I think most people reading this blog will know that having sex with lots of people doesn’t stretch your vagina out to epic proportions. While sex can be emotionally transformative, the idea that your magical penis will permanently alter someone else’s body just by going in and out of it for a bit during a consensual romp is… well. It’s wrong, obviously. It’s also stupendously arrogant, but that’s by the by.
It’s a common myth that promiscuity can stretch out the vagina, and I choose the word ‘promiscuity’ carefully here. It is hardly ever implied that having sex with one penis a hundred times can stretch out the cunt. That would, of course, be ludicrous. Instead received wisdom dictates that it’s only a hundred different penises that will physically alter the structure of my delicate vaginal tissue, causing it to gape like the black hole formed in the aftermath of a collapsing star.
If you’re not sure why this might be the case, allow me to explain: it is because generally speaking it’s easier to sexually control someone with a vagina using a tool we call ‘shame’ if that person believes it’s possible for you to infer their past sexcapades via vaginal examination.
As I say, I almost wanted to skip this bit, because I assume if you’re reading this blog you know the basics of both vaginal biology and sexual shame as a means of control. But if you don’t, feel free to check out this excellent Bish article on what a vagina is, and this ham-fisted early piece of mine explaining why I am absolutely delighted to be a slut.
Bodyshaming and genital size
A few years ago I went to a late night sex-themed evening at the Science Museum. Nerds gathering in a museum to learn interesting things about their own genitals, while drinking beer? Fuck yes. You couldn’t find something more likely to appeal to me unless you planned a Magic: The Gathering themed gang-bang.
Anyway.
At one point in the evening, during a talk, one of the presenters asked the audience to put their hands up if they would like to have ‘awe-inspiring’ genitals. I can’t remember the context of this, but they are professional sciencers so I’m assuming it was relevant. They asked us, by gender, to express whether we would like ‘awe-inspiring’ genitals. Nearly all the men put their hands up, only two women – my friend and I – raised ours.
Now. Not all men have dicks and not all women have vaginas, but it’s fair to say that most do. So it’s also fair to say that I was wildly disappointed with how few women in the audience would have leapt at the chance to have ‘awe-inspiring’ genitals. I suspect this was because, when the men were asked, they all imagined towering, gargantuan cocks. The kind of cocks you can’t see without drawing in a deep breath and then exhaling on a long ‘ooooh.’ But if you offer women the chance to have an ‘awe-inspiring’ vagina, only two of them will put up their hands. Why? At the time we theorised that ‘awe-inspiring’ was simply too ‘stand-out.’ If you have a vagina, you are supposed to aspire to neatness and tightness. Inside our vaginas, like everywhere else in life, women are expected to aspire to be smaller and less noticeable. Never awe-inspiring.
It is woefully depressing that not only do we have to fight this ‘your vagina is baggy lol’ myth on a factual front, we have to fight it on an emotional front too. As a card-carrying slag, I will be accused of protesting too much if I point out that my vag hasn’t permanently stretched out just because I’ve used it quite a lot. But if I do then – ha ha – I would say that, wouldn’t I? I’ve fucked so many guys that I can only now be pleasured by something the size of a Crossrail train.
How should we tackle this problem? As ever, I think the answer is too boring to sum up in a snappy sentence or two: it comes down to education, culture, challenging dodgy myths where we see them, and encouraging people to embrace their (and other people’s) bodies without pouring on shame. The answer definitely isn’t ‘give them a taste of their own medicine!’
My cunt’s not big, your dick is tiny
If someone with a dick makes reference to the myth that your cunt gets baggy if you fuck too many people, it can be helpful to enquire whether their penis gets worn down by too much sex. Or wanking, for that matter. Naturally, it doesn’t, so it’s a helpful analogy. Cunts don’t permanently stretch due to fucking any more than your cock gets worn down like an overused crayon. Simple!
Unfortunately, some people want to take this a little further and append an extra ‘lol, maybe your dick is just so small it barely touches the sides! It’s not so much waving a stick in the Albert Hall as dropping a cocktail sausage into a sock.’
Bear with me a second, I think my sides have split.
There’s nothing wrong with having a small penis. In fact, the vagina in repose is a fairly small place to put a penis. Even if you’re tiny, you’ll probably still touch the sides. Even if you’re tiny, you’re still going to be able to enjoy sex – whether penetrative, manual, oral, kinky, or any other kind of sex you can imagine. When it comes to the bedroom, the limiting factors usually lie in your head rather than your pants, and having a ‘can-do’ and ‘holy fuck yeah I really want to do’ attitude is far more important than packing something with which you could fight off a bear.
You can’t fight bodyshaming with bodyshaming. It’s lazy and boring – the kind of tit for tat meanness that drove boys at school to respond to cruel rejections with ‘I didn’t want to fuck you anyway, you ugly cow!’
Just as it’s important to challenge myths like ‘your vagina stretches if you fuck too many people’, it’s equally important to reject messages like ‘you’re a worthless shag if you have a small dick.’ Neither of these things are true, they both make people feel like shit, and when people feel like shit they are less likely to be horny.
That means they’re less likely to want to fuck me, and as I mentioned: I’m a slag. So fuck off with the tit for tat bodyshaming, and leave everyone else’s genitals in peace.
13 Comments
I fully agree, and along the same lines, I see too often that toxic masculinity and other incel-level internet misogyny is counter-attacked with remarks about not getting laid or penis size. Totally counterproductive.
Slightly off-topic but I have a theory as to why the myth seems to endure, and there might be a bit of truth in it, albeit ironic, as you will see.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I understand that the more aroused the vagina-haver, the more open and lubricated said vagina will be. Conversely, the less aroused, the tighter the experience will feel for both parties (with mixed enjoyment ratings).
Ergo, the ‘madonna’ who’s only ever been with the sexist douchebag believing the aforementioned myth may very well have ceased to be aroused by him ages ago, while the ‘slut’ he is cheating on her with may have met him sufficiently recently to be blissfully unaware of (and thus not be completely turned off by) how much of a jerk he is. QED
Totally support the message of this post, but sadly I do think there is a bit of truth behind the myth. Part of it is presumably just that there are different size vaginas, just like there are different size dicks – that’s important to recognise, and might be why some inexperienced men think they have encountered some that are tighter/looser than others.
But the comparison with ‘wearing down’ a cock just doesn’t hold water, because they’re completely different bits of the body. A better comparison is with the anal sphincter, and I can tell you that they definitely get looser the more they’re penetrated. That’s just a fact. They can tighten again, sure, but the key point is that it will subsequently be easier for them to loosen. They’ll loosen more quickly than they did before. So why shouldn’t it be the same for a vagina?
I can tell you that having a baby will definitely stretch it out, for obvious reasons. (It’s not that it’s permanently stretched, just that it opens further more easily.) And I suspect very regular (i.e. at least daily) sex probably has this effect too – I’ve recently been dating a sex worker who’s ‘looser’ than anyone I’ve ever slept with (who hadn’t had a kid), and I can only think that that’s why. It’s not because she fancies me more than all the other people I’ve slept with.
The problem here is when it’s used as a stick to beat women (or men) with. There shouldn’t be any moral judgement, and that’s the important point to make. But to completely deny that there is a touch of truth to the myth just isn’t plausible.
So, let’s do these one at a time. Firstly, you’re right that there are different size vaginas, just as there are different size dicks, although the variation in ‘resting’ size isn’t as great as the variation you find in the cock world (now THERE’S an idea for a theme park). A lot of the perception of ‘loose/tight’ comes from this – with many dick-havers being unaware of just how much vaginas can vary from person to person. But there’s also a fairly significant role played by arousal too: the more aroused someone is (broadly speaking) the ‘looser’ their vagina will be, because the vagina stretches and swells when the person is aroused. It also self-lubricates, and (although this can be affected by e.g. stress, menopause, oestrogen levels, certain medications etc etc) as a general rule the more aroused someone is the wetter their vagina will be and therefore the looser they will feel. I suspect a fair bit of the myth comes from here too: if you have had more sex you may find it easier to relax into it/enjoy it/give directions on how best to turn you on and therefore… voila! Your cunt will feel looser/wetter/more aroused.
Yes, childbirth can have an impact: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/vagina-changes-after-childbirth/ although often this is temporary and/or due to the fact that childbirth can cause trauma to the vaginal tissues such as tearing, or when the vagina is deliberately cut during childbirth (episiotomy). And there are other things that can cause permanent damage to the vaginal tissue – such as violent or repeated assaults, which I won’t go into detail on. But while you’re right about different vaginal sizes/childbirth etc, it’s a bit of a shame that alongside that you’ve just restated the myth – “I suspect very regular (i.e. at least daily) sex probably has this effect too” – with nothing more than an anecdote based on the same old assumptions to try and back it up. I assure you, vaginas can and do stretch, and as long as you do not damage one, it will return to its usual shape with no bother. That is one of many things that makes vaginas *very very very* different from anuses (although again, if you do anal with plenty of lube, not deliberately trying to stretch or shove in massive toys, you’re unlikely to cause any permanent changes to that either). They aren’t a good comparison at all, although if you’re looking for something that may be a better comparison in terms of elasticity, the mouth is probably slightly closer: you can open your mouth wide, stick lots of marshmallows in your cheeks like a hamster, and it still returns to its normal shape afterwards.
“to completely deny that there is a touch of truth to the myth just isn’t plausible.” Thing is, it *is* true. So if it’s implausible to you, it may be worth asking why you find it so tricky to believe. There’s a lot more info that might help over at Scarleteen – check out the links at the bottom of this piece as well as the article itself: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/how_can_vaginas_not_vary_much_in_size_for_real
This might be the best thing I’ve read all year. Thank you ❤️
‘Ham-fisted’? I am surprised! Also, I am pleased by your use of the hyphen. I have been told that the hyphen is falling from common-usage and there-for it should be slipped in wherever it might fit. Save-the-hyphen!!!
I have a question concerning ‘Ham-fisted’. Over here (what is English-English for over-here?’) as one doesn’t hear ‘Ham-fisted’ in the context of ‘Wanking’. In fact ‘Wanking’ is very seldom heard ‘Over-here’. Perhaps it is time to bring it all together in order that we may find mutual understanding. ‘HAM-FISTED-WANKER.’! Looks good and it helps to save the hyphen!
I really want a print of that cartoon. It’s so amazing and cute. ❤
Isn’t it though?! It’s glorious!
Your writing genuinely makes me smile and occasionally (proper) laugh.
Great stuff, as ever.
Interesting as always. Went back and read your much earlier blog about the reset button on a vagina. Can we reclaim the word slut as sex positive? I know many find it offensive but there does not seems to be any other word as powerful to describe woman who may like sex. A co-worker and I used to joke to each other when we saw a woman we found attractive that had a certain look-“that she looked slutty” immediately followed by the comment from each of us- “I like that!” Absolutely intended as a positive comment intending to convey that the woman in question looked like someone that would be fun to have sex with and who would enjoy herself. No other word like “she’s hot” seems to convey the same meaning. To be clear- I love sluts, i married a slut, all free thinking men who love empowered woman should love sluts. When my s/o does something particularily exciting nothing conveys my admiration as much as saying “your such a slut”. Now when it comes to bodyshaming, nothing is so difficult for a man than coming to accept his penis size. We use our penises to fuck our partners and no matter how much your partner may enjoy whatever size you happen to have very few men would turn down being larger.
“Right, because one thing we know about muscles is they get weaker over time if you work them a lot.”
I’m happy to be a slut. Even a slag or a tart, I suppose. At some point I realized that I could no longer call someone a “pussy” because I think pussy is awesome. And I don’t find it demeaning to be “treated like a girl” (insert female/woman/etc as needed). And Cunt is one of my most favorite words, I’d rather save it for those wonderful cunts that I adore. And I don’t say “you’ve got steel balls” to a female, though once or twice I have said “She has massive steel ovaries, don’t piss her off”. And because I believe that in most of american culture that a “bitch” is a woman doing her job competently, I had to give that up too. In short, where and when I can identify that a word is being used to link the feminine with a derogatory reference, I no longer believe it’s appropriate. Mostly because to all intents and purposes i appear as an older white privileged cis male, and I’m trying to not contribute to the patriarchy any more than I do by existing.
The only time I’ve inspired awe is when a boy had his entire hand inside me and excitedly called his boyfriend over to “have a look at this”.
Thank you for writing this as it speaks well for all. I am a very small male who has been made fun of by both women and peers, but am currently finding that the more i forget those comments and listen to people like you the better I feel.