Girl on the Net

I’ve written about the Zumio before, and it’s rare that I cover a sex toy more than once (unless it’s a sex machine or is made by Doxy or is something I’ve lovingly customised like the Fleshlight Launch… oh OK I guess I do cover lots of sex toys more than once) but this is one of the best sex toys I have ever owned, and it just came down in price – from $140 to $98, and I have three stories about the lengths I will go to if I am deprived of Zumio action which I’ve been itching to publish for a while. It’s a fun, fuckable, now slightly-more-affordable sex toy, and I am powerfully in lust with it, so let’s get stuck in: three reasons why you should buy a Zumio.

Before we start, let’s cover the basics – Zumio is a clitoral stimulator that is light, waterproof, intense, and looks like an electric toothbrush.

There used to be two Zumio models: the Zumio S and the Zumio X. I have both. Yeah, both. It’s quite weird, even for me, to own two versions of a pricey sex toy, but the reasons for this are covered in story 1 below. The new model is called the Zumio E and apparently works via elliptical movements that you can direct however you like around your clit. I do not know how this feels, but if it’s anything like the other models it’ll be fucking spectacular, and I’ll probably buy one of these as well when I have the cash.

Links in this post are affiliate links, so if you buy through them you’re supporting my site.

Buy a Zumio: story 1

My partner and I were enjoying ourselves in the way we normally would on a Friday night (trousers down, touching each other’s junk while we watched one of our favourite adult films), and my other half was bringing me to an especially excellent, powerful climax with the help of a dildo and the Zumio S.

Then the Zumio S broke, because I was flailing far too eagerly against it. Reader, I am not ashamed to tell you that I wept. I tried to fix it myself, and when I failed I begged my partner to have a go himself, offering everything from the ‘world’s best blow job’ (I’ve been practicing) to on-demand cheese toasties for a month if he could make it work.

While he was working on fixing it, I bought a Zumio X just to tide me over.

I’m a sex blogger, so I get given free sex toys all the time (the Zumio S was given to me by the kind people at Zumio themselves, during Eroticon a few years ago), so it’s very very rare that I would shell out cash to actually buy something myself. If I had been willing to wait, without a Zumio, for a week or so, I could have got someone to send me one out for free in exchange for an eager write-up here on the blog. But I did not want to wait. I would rather pay $140 NOW than $0 LATER just to save myself from having to survive a single week without my Zumio.

And now that $140 has just come down to $98. Still pricey, of course, but it’s a really incredible toy.

Story 2: it’s not a holiday if I cannot have a wank

Just before Christmas last year, I went on holiday on my own. I brought the Zumio S (which my partner had, by that point, fixed – and yes of course I made good on my blow job promise). Unfortunately, during the fix he’d cocked up something to do with the power button, and I struggled to get the sex toy out of ‘travel lock’ mode. Normally you just hold the button down for 5 seconds to bring it out of travel lock, but for some reason I couldn’t do it.

With any ordinary sex toy – any other sex toy – I’d have just mourned the fact that I couldn’t use it, and moved on to more manual methods. But this was my Zumio, goddammit! Deliverer of the most intense and wriggle-worthy orgasms! If I’m completely honest with myself, one of the primary reasons for going away alone was to spend more quality time with it in the first place.

As a very lazy wanker, I would generally never spend more than thirty seconds preparing for some self-love. So imagine my surprise when I found myself lying on the bed in my holiday cottage for a full twenty three minutes trying to switch the damn thing on. Twenty. Three. Minutes. I started timing it after five minutes, so shocked was I at the effort I appeared to be willing to put in. My average wank lasts about two minutes, so this is a significant time investment. I managed to get it out of travel lock eventually, and it was 100% worth it.

And I know, I know, it’s strange for me to tell you to buy a Zumio off the back of stories about my own Zumio giving up the ghost, but let me reiterate: it was us who broke it. We broke it with enthusiasm. And before we’d destroyed it, it had a very good innings. Over 18 months of daily use, at a cost of $140 for the toy, works out at around 25 cents per orgasm.

At the new price, around 17 cents.

Story 3: eternal and unending 

I should probably talk about features in here, but to be honest as long as something is easily rechargeable (tick!) and waterproof (tick!), I don’t pay much attention to the extras. One thing does really stand out about Zumio though: battery life. I remember thinking ‘why is it I only have to charge this thing once a month or so? I use it EVERY DAY!’ and dismissing my thoughts as forgetfulness. Maybe I was just automatically putting it on charge? A toy this decent couldn’t possibly have more playtime than an hour or so.

Then one day I decided to test it out.

After a quick-and-exceptional wank, I got dressed to head out to the pub, leaving my Zumio S vibrating away because (as I may have mentioned) we’d fucked the power button up and sometimes it was tricky to turn it off. I chucked it on the bed in the spare room, closed the door and went out to meet my mates. Team, it was still going when I returned! Three hours later! It lasted another couple of hours while my partner and I settled our drunk arses down to watch some Friday night telly. Five hours!

Why am I bothering to tell you this? Because I think there are so many amazing sex toys on the market it can be tricky to decide which one to buy, especially now that the futuristic tech (seriously, I have no idea how Zumio works and I am tempted – as with the Hot Octopuss AMO – to tell you it’s probably witchcraft) means you’re paying $100 for a good one. If you’re spending a lot of cash on a sex toy, you want to make sure it’ll get you off consistently, powerfully, and in ways that make you go ‘seriously if I can’t use this on holiday then is this even a holiday?’ Zumio is one of those toys. Both the S and the X are intense, powerful, quiet, easy-to-use, and deliver a totally unique thrumming sensation directly to the most sensitive spots of your clit.

You can use it in circular motions to edge yourself gently, press it hard against the part of your clit that responds best to vibration, or hold it against you during other kinds of sex to add a fantastic extra element of deep-resonating vibrations which – despite its small size – resonate all the way through your crotch. Zumio S has a softer tip, and I slightly prefer it, but the Zumio X – with a hard, more pinpoint tip – has a rock-solid place in my heart too. I use mine every single day. Every. Single. Day.

• Buy Zumio S for $98
• Buy Zumio X for $98
• Buy Zumio E for $98 (I haven’t tried this one but if you have I’d love to know what you think in comments!)

Prices are in $ and [UPDATE 22nd May 2020] if you’re looking to buy from the UK/EU, hang fire for a short while – there are some slight difficulties with shipping to these places direct from Zumio at the moment. I’ll update this blog post as soon as I know you can buy direct from these countries too. 

I get a small cut of the cash if you buy Zumio through my affiliate links, but other than that they didn’t pay me to write this. I just need you all to know that this sex toy is amazing, and I would jump through an almost infinite number of hoops in order to use mine. If someone stole it from me, I would hunt them down and enact terrible revenge. When I die, please bury me with my arms crossed over my chest – a Doxy in one hand and Zumio clasped tight in the other. Not out of sentimentality, but because I have a genuine fear of being buried alive. Even in that dark place six feet below the earth, which my anxious brain has feared for many years, I reckon I could get through it if I had a toys on hand – delivering gold-plated, top-shelf orgasms while I wait in the dark for someone to come to the rescue.