Girl on the Net

I recently read a piece by Suzannah Weiss in Bustle in which she attempts to wank for over an hour. As a speedy and functional wanker, I thought this would be an interesting challenge to attempt. And seeing as I’d just been given a Mysteryvibe Crescendo – an almost infinitely customisable vibrator that comes with lots of different vibration patterns out of the box – I figured I had an excellent tool with which to have a go. So here goes: wanking for an hour, non-stop. Feel free to fire up your favourite porn and wank along with me.

Why would I even try to wank for an hour?

For a long time, I’ve been jealous of people who can do ‘edging.’ Edging is essentially the practice of repeatedly building towards orgasm, then holding back just before you tip over the ‘edge.’ You wank, build, build some more, and then just at the moment before you come you draw on a vast reserve of self-control and willpower and… stop. When your body has cooled down a little and your junk isn’t about to explode in a shower of orgasmic fireworks, you get cracking again and repeat the whole process.

Fun? Yes. Also a bit like torture? Yes.

I have very little willpower when it comes to wanking. In fact, I have little willpower when it comes to anything: I exercise only sporadically, I drink a lot, I eat absolute shite most of the time, and if you gave me a leaflet on how to moderate my hedonism I’d be less likely to read it than to roll it up and smoke the fucking thing.

This lack of willpower is what ruins edging, too. I have tried it, and only rarely managed to succeed because once I’ve started rubbing one out it feels boring and pointless to stop. My wanks are fast and furious, like Vin Diesel.

I’ve tried lots of ways to break this habit in the past, including detoxing from my favourite sex toys and trying to spend more time on wanking. I didn’t do this because there’s anything wrong with being a speedy wanker, by the way: if you’re a speedy wanker and you’re happy with that then good on you. Most of the time I’m happy with my admin wanking, it’s just that sometimes I wish I had the patience to do a bit more. The sex toy detox didn’t work, by the way, as I slipped pretty quickly back into old habits – getting frustrated with my fingers for taking too long to get me off, and wishing there were a more interesting way to extend my masturbation sessions.

I was thinking on this recently, when I read an article by Suzannah Weiss in Bustle, in which she had a go at masturbating for a full hour non-stop. It’s worth reading the article in full but to summarise, essentially she really struggled with such a change of pace from her usual routine, and although she managed a heroic four orgasms in 40 minutes, by the end of it she was knackered and sore and not keen to try the experience again.

But the challenge itself intrigued me, because it involved committing to a much longer wank, and allowing yourself orgasms within the one-hour window. Perhaps trying something like this would give me the chance to please my inner hedonist, avoid the problems I’ve had with edging (i.e. that I have absolutely no self control whatsofuckingever) while also experimenting with a longer and more mindful wank. Into the breach, dear friends. And by ‘breach’ I mean ‘my vagina.’

Which sex toys do you use to wank for an hour?

My go-to toys for the kind of everyday admin wanks that I have most often are: a dildo (either a glass dildo or this silicone on) and then either a Doxy or a Zumio. I also occasionally use my Queen Bee, in combination with another Queen Bee (I work with the company so I have both a prototype and a final product, and using one on each side of my clit is awesome – perks of the job woo!).

But for this one I wanted something that could do a bit more in terms of variety. I’m going to be here for an HOUR, after all. I’d recently been given a Crescendo from Mysteryvibe, and one of the things I was intrigued to try out was the massive array of different patterns that you can use with it, and the various ways in which you can bend and customise it to stimulate different bits of your junk.

Let’s do the intro bit here and then we’ll get on with the challenge itself: the Crescendo by Mysteryvibe is a silicone vibe with six different motors, as well as six (I think) different axes on which you can bend and shape it. So you can keep it straight if you want something straight for thrusting, you can turn it into a ‘c’ shape and insert part of it with the other part resting against your clit, or make any other shape you like. (Disclosure stuff: I was given it for free by the people at Mysteryvibe, who also sponsor my site, and also sometimes hire me for freelance work.) Out of the box Crescendo comes with a selection of pre-programmed patterns that you can scroll through using the buttons on the side of the toy. Each pattern triggers the motors to vibrate at different times/intensities, and the patterns that come with the Crescendo give you plenty of options to play with, from gentle ripples up and down the toy to more powerful thrums that focus on different spots. As well as flicking through the patterns that come pre-programmed, you can also turn the intensity up and down when it’s in use (as long as you haven’t inserted the end which has the buttons on, you eager little fuck).

All this is before you get to the main feature of Mysteryvibe’s Crescendo, which is that it’s ‘smart.’ This basically means that it is internet connected and app-enabled, so you can delve into a whole extra layer of fun: not just exploring loads more vibration patterns in Mysteryvibe’s library, but creating your own patterns too. Probably annoyingly, I’m going to entirely ignore the smart features of this sex toy for this post, for two reasons:

1. My partner and I are gleeful nerds who are ridiculously excited about most forms of sex tech. As a consequence we have spent a LOT of time talking about/planning/trying the ‘create your own pattern’ feature, and there’s definitely enough fun in it to warrant its own blog post.

2. For my wanking challenge I only used the patterns that came with Crescendo out of the box. I would like to say this is a deliberate choice: I know a lot of people are nervous about ‘smart’ vibrators, either because they’re worried about data or because they don’t feel comfortable with ‘techy’ sex toys, so doing this would have been a super-handy thing to help those people can make an informed decision about whether they’d like it anyway. In reality, I was just saving the pattern-creation fun to do as a couples’ activity with my partner because… see 1.

How do you wank for an hour straight?

I’m not going to lie: as someone who usually spends no more than two minutes on each hand shandy, sitting down to an hour-long wank gave me the same feeling I used to get at the beginning of an exam. I know I can do this, but that doesn’t mean I want to.

Usually I’ll conjure fantasies in my head to wank to, but for this I figured I needed some porn. So I lined up a few good videos, pulled my jeans down to my knees, and got stuck in. I started off using just the thicker tip of the vibe to stimulate my clit – it’s got wings added to that end for texture, and the motor that sits there feels like the most powerful one. This, alongside a video of a woman grinning gleefully and practically smacking her lips in the middle of a gang bang, managed to get me pretty quickly to the point where I had to decide whether to finish or keep going.

Normally I’d just crack straight on to the finish, but the fact that I’m sitting here with an almost-infinitely-customisable vibrator gave me the stoicism required to hold back from that first orgasm, to draw out the pleasure a bit longer. Instead of coming straight away, I gave myself a little break and spent time bending the vibe into a ‘U’ shape. From the ‘U’ shape, I then bent the thin tip in a little bit more, so that it pressed right up against my g-spot. When it’s inside like this, the thicker and most powerful end sits just above my clit, and the thinner end curls inside my cunt and presses against the front wall. It’s pretty hot. It’s also ridiculously, intensely easy to rub one out with, because when it was here all I needed to do was press my palm against the part of the toy that touched my clit, and rock it slightly back and forth. Getting closer and closer and closer until…

… I realised that I was only five minutes in to my hour.

FIVE MINUTES.

I paused briefly to reflect on how abjectly I was failing at this challenge, before turning back to the screen to reflect on just how much this lady was enjoying the gang bang…

Orgasm 1: about 6 minutes in.

Self-control levels: clearly even lower than I’d previously thought.

But the beauty of the patterns on Crescendo is that they provide a pre-programmed way to slow yourself down. Most other sex toys (at least the ones I own) have one vibration motor which turns on and off at different times and to different intensities depending on the pattern, but don’t give much variety in terms of the areas they’re stimulating, so post-orgasm sensitivity can make it tricky to power on through. Think of it like a drum: you can beat the drum hard in one rhythm, or gently, or you can change up the rhythm and get a different pattern, but you’re still ultimately hitting the same drum. The Crescendo, with six different motors, is an entire drum kit. With the vibe curved around in a ‘U’ shape, each motor stimulates a different part of you, and of course scrolling through the patterns means that you can build up the pleasure using one pattern, then switch patterns to maintain stimulation but keep you away from the orgasmic ‘edge.’

If you wank the way I normally do, you’ll probably think this sounds boring. Even I thought this sounded boring until I had a go at doing it. Why would I want to switch things up just as I’m getting to the good bit? Well, by this time I’d already had one orgasm, and with the sex toys I usually use I’d have been too sensitive to keep going for much longer. Using this pattern-switching technique, and twisting the vibe to a slightly different angle, I could give my sensitive post-orgasm clit a break while still feeling the pleasurable tingles that feel so hot when you’re horny: if you ignore the fact that I was dripping wet by this point, I could almost have passed for someone who’d only just started.

I did quite well at this stage, and there wasn’t any willpower required: I was having fun scrolling through the different patterns and trying to decide not just which one I liked best but which one best fitted the porn on the screen in terms if intensity and rhythm. As a result I managed to keep this up for a good 15 minutes or so without coming, although when I settled on the one that best ‘fit’ the video, I came pretty quickly thereafter.

Orgasm 2: 26 minutes in.

Self-control levels: still lower than average but higher than a kid in a sweet shop.

Some of you will by now be thinking ‘yeah, GOTN. You basically just discovered ‘variety’ didn’t you, you nobhead.’ And you’d be right, but on a more important level you would be mean, so shut up.

I’m still only halfway through my challenge, and to be honest this is the difficult bit. Thanks to my anxiety, if I spend more than about 20 minutes doing something that’s purely for my pleasure, I start getting antsy and wanting to stop. There is work to be done! There are bills to be paid! I watch the clock as much as I watch the porn, and my mind starts wandering towards my to-do list. But a change is as good as a rest: I switch patterns again, pick a new video, acknowledge my own irrational panicking, then remind myself that because I will soon write this post, technically this wanking counts as ‘work.’

It’s harder this time, because of the anxiety and the sensitivity. I’ve orgasmed twice already, so my clit is throbbing and sore. But perhaps more significant is the psychological barrier – because I’ve already orgasmed twice my body is alarmed and confused by the change of routine. I should be halfway through a post-wank sandwich by now!

Instead of wallowing in how weird this feels, I try to embrace the unusual nature of it, revelling in this hour-long wank like it’s a bonus day off. You know the feeling when you wake up with the flu, call in sick, then realise by lunchtime that you’re fine and are therefore going to make the most of it? I catch that feeling and hold it close as I rock the vibe back and forth, trying to immerse myself in the porn. The guy in this video is making so much more noise than porn dudes usually do, so I close my eyes to savour it better. Grunts, moans, sighs, even some actual words thrown in occasionally. I clench my cunt tight enough around the vibe that it bends it back to straight again. But there’s no time to adjust because when the guy in the scene growls at someone to ‘suck that dick’, I come.

Orgasm 3: 45 minutes in.

Self-control levels: I have lost all concept of self-control, because I realise there’s no need to hold back from having fun.

Did I actually manage to wank for an hour though?

I’d love to say I nailed this challenge – that I squeezed out another 15 minutes even just for the sake of completeness. But by this time I was a bit sore and already pretty impressed with what I’d managed: having previously thought I’d fall at the first hurdle (or orgasm), I managed to bash out three relatively long wanks, just by focusing on patterns that made me more aware, in detail, of what was happening to my cunt.

More to the point, I actually had fun. Apart from a brief panic midway through that I should be doing more productive things with my time, I literally lived up to all the wishy-washy hippy shit that people bang on about in advice columns: I was mindful of my body. I had some ‘me time’. I engaged in self-care. All of which are just euphemistic ways of saying I sat in a darkened room for 45 minutes leering at porn and rubbing myself off – the way I’d usually put it because it sounds more fun without the ‘sensual’, health-focused spin.

For someone like me, who tends to wank aggressively, quickly, and functionally, there’s a lot to be said for switching up the routine. New sex toys, weird challenges, ideas you read online or saw in porn – all these things can encourage you to think about what you’re doing rather than autopiloting through the same old wank you always have. And while it won’t be my go-to routine, because I don’t have 45 minutes every day to spend on frigging myself off, it clearly won’t just get shunted to the back of my mind either, because when orgasm 4 happened a couple of hours later, I decided to treat myself to 15 more minutes of playing and then orgasm number 5.

I may not have completed the ‘wank for an hour’ challenge, or edged like someone with self-control might have done, but for someone who’s usually only a one-shot wanker, I definitely achieved something.

 

The Crescendo vibe was given to me for free by Mysteryvibe, and you can pick up a Crescendo of your own direct from their website. This isn’t a sponsored post, but they do buy advertising from me to help keep my site running, and I also sometimes write for the Mysteryvibe blog, which is a great source for interesting sex tech news.

This isn’t a review of the Crescendo, because it only covers a tiny element of what the toy does, but if you’re interested in the more techy features of this vibrator (Customisable patterns! A massive library of other patterns you can download using their app! The ability to control the toy via your phone so someone can use it to tease/torture you with different sensations!) then keep an eye out for a post that’ll cover that stuff very soon.